Thursday, December 19, 2013

a truth

Sometimes we are forced to face our demons. Sometimes our hearts are stuck in swirling eddies of hate and despair and darkness. And sometimes we feel vengeful, striking out against those things and persons which give us pain.

I came home, in an already worn state, to reminders of the broken fragments of good relationships I once held with people. Guilt and agony wracked my thoughts at the painful words of people I once did and honestly still do care deeply about.

I am so sorry that I hurt people trying to get what I thought was the right thing for everyone. I am most sorry because even when I did care before, it was at an immature and unjust level that I can only understand now with some wisdom and growth in my faith and capacity for love. I was so selfish, and am still so selfish, and I am very saddened by that. But God has a purpose for this. I have grown a lot, I am just at this juncture very unsure of what to do with the some wisdom I have gained. My heart is in darkness, and all I want is light.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

love where love is deserved

Hello everyone. It is Finals Week here, and I am enjoying myself a nice Reading Day before my three finals this week. I just wanted to take this time to love on a few special people in my life who really deserve it and have been loving on me so graciously lately.

On Thursday or so I came down with a severe virus that honestly could have crushed me if it wanted to. On Friday I was kind of sick, on Saturday I broke down, and on Sunday I spent honestly and earnestly praying to God that He would take my pain, just crying. I was a miserable shell of myself, and I should not have been, but the way I could neither breathe nor swallow nor eat but still vomit was horrific, and I do not wish it on anyone else, thus I quarantined myself off pretty well into tomorrow so that no one I love gets it.

In this horrid last few days, a few people have spent their time really loving on me. First up to the plate was my boyfriend Travis, who did actually not see me at my total worst but I was sick and he still said he loved me, so I have that going for me. He also brought me pudding and helped me type a French essay. Sometimes the ways he does things are a little bit chaotic to me, but I like him and it makes things exciting. He is so sweet.

Next up was my best friend Dirk, who although did not see me too much he still brought me a thermometer. It is funny, because last year I was there when he vomited during the Final Four matches, and this year he was there for me when I vomited, just by chance.

On third is my Mom, who is like the greatest superhero of my life. I was really upset at first by her distance that she had because she could not come and see me because I am at school and the weather was bad. I was so frustrated with my helplessness towards going to the doctor and getting medicine and food and even not having my blanket. On Monday, the day after the worst day, she drove here and brought me to the doctor and also brought me homemade food and soup, sweet tea, my blanket, and some other goodies that honestly brought joyful tears to my eyes. I missed my Mom so much during those last few days, and I was just so grateful for her to come because I think she very much contributed to the reason I can walk and talk today.

Finally, on home plate, is God. You have to understand that on Sunday I was petrified by my condition. After I had vomited on Sunday that meant that I had not eaten in two almost three days, I was feel dehydrated, I could barely swallow, and I was afraid that if I fell asleep on my face I could suffocate and die. Mostly I was petrified because every day it had gotten worse, and if there was a worse day than Sunday I did not think I had the strength to handle it. But alas, this was a virus- God made my body already able to fight this disease off without antibiotics (but I was not strong enough to go without Tylenol because I am a wimp, haha), and I can walk around and boast (tomorrow- I am still considered possibly contagious today haha) God's glory with so much renewed hope and enthusiasm. I am actually enthusiastic about doing these exams. I am enthusiastic about having a good weekend afterwards with my friends, then going home and enjoying the holidays with my family. God healed me  and even now He continues to heal my heart of what I ultimately wish to be healed of.

Those are my thanksgivings for you, I love you all, goodnight and good luck on your finals.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

love, searching

a cord of three,
that is we.

let me weave of this a tale for you-
it may last as long as two lifetimes.
but much like an episode,
a boy and girl crossed paths
crossed stars,
crossed borders and dreams,
and met at a station under the cross 
but still, searching.

the boy, with features so striking,
thought they were his beautiful faults.
oh, but the girl:
she saw no features of herself,
only a humility that came from shame.
they wore their issues on their arms,
their hearts scarred
but still, searching.

the boy saw her first,
but the girl was looking too
(in her heart).
they kissed under a bow-
a gift of God, love truly is.
they played the parts of
Adam and Eve, today,
stumbling slowly
but still, searching.

the girl caught on quick:
this was the only love story she wanted,
wearing a big heart and long embrace.
as long as they loved,
they would be a butterfly circus 
of glory, amazing grace-
but still, searching.

a cord of three,
that is we.

*Sorry you guys, just playing around with poetry again.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I was waiting on the mail, but it never came.

I am so sorry dear, but it never came.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

a grand introduction

I have so many things to write. Some amazing unexplainable things have been happening in my life and happening so fast, but I am going to try to explain them without a doubt.

I am not still with that boyfriend I had through a large chunk of this blog's lifespan, but I am choosing not to feel guilt or remorse for any longer. I am content with my decision because I know that it is what God wanted for me and for my life and for that boy's life also, even if it does feel broken and sad and hollow when thought about for too long. We had a beautiful relationship and friendship, but it was unhealthy in a way I did not know how to fix, and I do not think it was meant to be fixed then, or possibly ever, that we would have to be reborn and fixed independently of one another with Christ first.

That being said, I feel like my falling apart and breaking of several ties brought me closer to God and finally to the right kind of love that for a long time I didn't feel as though I deserved, as though I could obtain, and as though I would ever have. It helped me understand the truth, and it helped enlighten me and move towards who I am and what I want to become in Christ. It excites me, really, thinking of my potential and seeing it lived out in some few but shining people in my life.

Anyways, also, in this short but amazing period of time, another guy has become pretty significant to my life (behind Jesus, of course). His name is Travis, and from what I understand God's been shoving us towards each other for a long time now. He honestly painted this masterpiece of a story of how he had fancied me for a long time and it was just recently in these past few weeks that he had gotten the courage and felt God's strength work in his heart to begin this friendship first, but now it is this beautiful relationship that feels good and pure and just like everything I had hoped a relationship would be (not without faults, but with an undeniable enthusiasm and base in Christ). I am so thankful to God for this journey so amazing in retrospect and so miraculous to have been nearly impossible at all other times but now. I will most likely write in some detail about this new love story and my even greater overarching love story, but these things will come in good time. Until then, I have many presentations and papers and tests that are to be done, but I shall be around here and there.

P.S. I cut my hair short again and have (accidentally) lost a few pounds. Things are definitely always, always looking up.


Saturday, October 19, 2013

when it rains, it pours

I have a very peculiar way of coping with things. See, today I am fasting and walking around campus, finding some small strange comfort in the few amount of people walking around too on a Saturday afternoon. I did something excruciating today- I ripped out some beautiful and ugly parts that were mangled in my heart (yet they still sit on my thoughts like birds on a wire, waiting, watching)- and I am untangling them on my own (or just with God). It's something I have not been in a really long time- on my own- but it is exactly what I need, I guess, I hope.

I may write more this week, I may not write at all. Currently I just feel a numbness that if I think about it too much at all it becomes painful and aching. I feel impulsive which scares me a lot, because if I know anything of my nature my impulses are nothing to trust. But I am thinking of cutting my hair. And 

I hope it rains this week. I hope it's cold, but not cold enough to dismay me from walking around campus, trying to see something in someone else that feels the same or knows. I hope I can find some peace and maybe even happiness in my friends, in sitting on that bench, in my taffy, and in the small amounts of smiles I find myself cracking, even today, on a particularly dark day.


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

this dream..

I had a poetic, beautiful kind of dream last night. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I need to write it down because the images have been creeping into my head all day.

There was kind of a flashback to my Fall Retreat, but several things were different. My parents and for some reason a former teacher of mine were there for a minute of my time. The cost of this retreat was $5000, and I felt so distressed knowing that I could not pay it, but my parents said that they would pay the price for me. A group of my friends from Cru were all going into a church to worship. I went in another door though- I could see once I got in that everyone was on the other side of the church, so I went down a slide from the ceiling to get to the other side. I felt like I broke some kind of rule going down that slide, like the people running the church would not want people sliding and rappelling from the ceiling, but I was happy to be with my friends and I did not care.

I do not remember actually worshipping, but suddenly I was in the cabin and it was just as gross and bug-filled as the one at Fall Retreat. I walked out of the building and toured around and saw a bright, glowing light coming from around the corner. I peered in at the source from outside into a lounge full with people- my roommate, one of my friends, several other familiar faces- and they were simply lounging under this beautiful and giant chandelier shaped like the sun. I did not want to enter the room though- I just wished to gaze at the brightness of the chandelier. I gathered that they were bored.

I walked a little more and found myself a bench much like the one I actually sat on two days ago. I was sitting there with a boy petting a dog who was orange-red colored. Our hands touched and it was the most magical moment I have experienced because it truly did feel as though it was real. Of course someone sat in between us following that, but it was still a touching little moment that I cannot stop thinking about.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

tired mumblings

Hi there. Sorry to everyone that thinks I went off the deep end yesterday- I somewhat have, but it is all in the nature of good things happening for good reasons in my heart.

It was a terribly exhausting week, and I write this as my eyes are slowly fluttering open and closed. The car ride here, after being comically terrible, was peace. The sky did a very interesting thing before my eyes- as the sun was setting, it went from dark to light colors dancing towards the horizon, but after the sun fell, the darkness rested along the horizon and light sprung slightly up through the sky with a few stars peeking out at the top. Maybe it always does this, but I had been peeking around skyscrapers for so long I had forgotten.

When we arrived at my grandparent's small house, the sky was peace. It was a starry night that reminded me of the nights I used to spend with my fifth-grade crush playing basketball outside in the middle of February.

I have been feeling highly sentimental lately, swimming in old memories that have been transcending their years to reach me here now. It is bizarre and not uncomfortable, but rather the opposite. I like collecting these little moments and sewing them into a kind of quilt that I bear around myself to keep away the chill of emptiness and the occasional feeling of not knowing who I am. If anyone were genuinely interested in who I am, I would just let them have this quilt to look at and they would see a story alike to the Illustrated Man, to Paul, to the middle of a "choose-your-own-adventure" book. But just the quilt isn't enough, no- if I were genuinely interested in letting them see who I am, I would want to show them. I would want to show them all of the things, and where they come from, and why I chose them. I would show them the big hill while the sun is setting, and the town I feel so drawn to, and the little house I grew up in, and Corn Day with all of its corny traditions, and that freedom I feel when zip-lining, and I would show them Orion and the story of Thunder Cake and the big tire swing. And I just hope and pray that they would want to put these things on their quilts also.


Friday, October 11, 2013

I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I need to get out of this town. Man, the only thing I can think of is to run, and it's all because that's all I've ever known.


Friday, October 4, 2013

You guys, a lot of stuff has been going on in my heart. I am so, so, utterly happy and joyful and spirited. I have never felt God as strongly in my heart, and I love every second of it. I will try to tell you all all about it soon, but for right now I am headed home to the heart of the country that I know so well.


Sunday, September 15, 2013

This is probably going to end up as just a collection of my thoughts these past few weeks since school has started. I am taking my first college-level English course this semester- it tests me and tries me, it truly does. Walt Whitman's poem "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry" has really been on my heart lately- I have spent my days wandering around campus hoping to form some of those same connections, trying to look people in the eyes and just see. I wish I could tell them how much I care, how much I feel too and experience the same kinds of experiences. But few look back, or even see me- they just walk on (that is life, I suppose).

I have also begun to notice how much I romanticize the men (am I old enough to say that?) I have ever fallen for, and even some of the beautiful people in my life that I sometimes confuse for being better than anyone else. I still check occasionally into the delusions of my "autumn" and "ocean" boys haha- they were important to the development of my self-esteem and romantic view of life at those points, but they are essentially removed from my life. I never actually got close enough to see if those kinds of lovely expectations are even possible (and I am almost positive that they are not). Sadly, I cannot say I have totally moved on from this stage, but I do not think I will ever stop being hopeful and mesmerized by nice-seeming people.

I have had some long car rides this weekend, and a lot of time to reflect and think. I feel like there's something just on the horizon- an opportunity, a new person of importance, an idea, a really good ice cream- there is something there that is calling to me and I feel like it is going to permanently change my life. Needless to say, I am pretty pumped.

P.S. thank you so much for making my blog at 5,000 views since it's little baby conception (although I am pretty sure a large number of those were from spam sites haha). My blog has definitely come a long way since sophomore me started it, and I hope to carry it with me wherever I go (which might be France for a little while, but I will talk about that later).

Have a good week,

Sunday, September 8, 2013

hey guys: I have thoughts, but not enough time to properly have them and flesh them out. maybe tomorrow- hopefully this week sometime.


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I have been heavily expanding on the question I have asked myself obsessively over months now: "What am I going to do for the rest of my life?" So, like I usually do, I have made a list.

some things I would like to do for the rest of my life:
disciple some college kids / high school students (be someone's Paul, so to speak)
volunteer at elementary schools / children's hospitals
edit applications (mostly for high school / college students)
be an interior decorator fanatic
avidly love and rescue dogs on the side of the road
help at vacation bible school
write / blog (often)
photograph at an amateur level
be a wife (if God thinks that fits into the picture)
be a cool (or totally not) mom
internationally travel (but probably just on this side of the globe)
own a zoom-y motor scooter
colorfully, eclectically landscape
bake sweets
collect earrings / scarves
be totally in love with my geek
have mad skills at dancing in the kitchen
have beautiful hair
amateur artist / crafter
live near a delicious ice cream shop. and café. and an IKEA.

*All of these things are on top of having a job. Some job that I think is going to involve French, Business, English, and God haha, but I am still working on figuring out what that is. :)

Have a wonderful glorious day,

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I do not really understand what is going on with me right now. Something is shifting in my heart, and all I feel I can do is hold faith in it. What I understand so far is that I did not want to go to that party tonight where that cute frat boy and drunken people would be, all of which probably wouldn't have cared if I made a fool of myself or not. No, all I wanted was to spend my night sitting in the student activities center and listening to that boy with no companions play the piano like an angel. The music seemed clear in what all feels like living in a shadow.

I will let you guys know what happens.


I am listening to a song that one of my very good friends from a few years ago recorded. The first time I heard this song, I was sitting in an audience of 350 teenagers who had no damn idea what was going on in their lives. We were all at a crossroads with ourselves, and I very much was (and, sometimes, I think I always will be). When she started playing, the entire room went completely silent, and I remember everything in my body stopping in shock. Her music reminds me of a breath of fresh air in the wilderness- I hope it makes you feel the same way. I pray its clarity totally fills you, and I hope it helps you know that every person is at a crossroads.

It is called Mother Mary, and is performed by Jeri Katherine Howell for her new album Collage. It is on Spotify, and iTunes, so please listen to it.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

ne me quittez pas

I am so enamored with my life. I have spent the last few days relishing in the sunny moments that God has paved on my road of life. My feet lately have seen many adventures, and, even better, my heart is filled with an adventurous and peaceful spirit that has not and cannot be discouraged, broken, or completely stopped.

I am turning nineteen soon. That is a weird thing, but if life just continues in the easy kind of fashion it has the last few days, I will be entirely content with that.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


My mind really is not in a place to explore, to explain. I am weary and forlorn from early mornings and late nights and a lack of an impressive vocabulary lately. So, I just have some little things I would like to share.

I am going to be nineteen soon (7 days). I imagine the only change would be feeling more secure in my eighteen-ness.

Ryan's mom told me through some tears the other day that he may just cherish our cuddling and watching TV more than any other activity because he used to do the same with his beloved grandmother before she died. We cuddle a lot more now.

I am starting to delve deeper into the popular question of "What am I going to do for the rest of my life?" Some things jumping out to me lately have been family ministry, discipleship, volunteer coordinator, application helper, creator of gifts, dog lover, part-time lover, and full-time friend. Nothing that would pay me well or get me a million-dollar home (however, I still have a lot of thinking to do on just how important that is anymore).

I hope everybody is enjoying their summer / breaks/ sun!


Monday, July 8, 2013

think about it

Have you ever met someone who seemed so kind and gentle to you and to others, for absolutely no damn reason at all? These people exist, and you might even be that person to someone: I mean, they might not be that way to everyone, but if you think about it, I believe (and dearly hope) that everyone has at least one person like that in their life. Because even if they are only a minuscule part of it, they are some of the most beautiful people and provide some of the most precious, human experiences you can have in your life.

Reflecting on some of these kinds of people in my life (I have had a number I am very grateful for), I remembered a boy from my high school whose moment I captured in this post. You really do not know how much you can affect people with the smallest acts of kindness (or maybe I am just the only weirdo who pays attention to these things, but I highly doubt it is that).

There is more to this thought, but that is all for tonight.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

sweaty tourist logs

When I stay in my grandparent's town, I am really staying in a firefly kind of town. It is where nothing is brand new without feeling out of place, where the air isn't cloudy and your mind can breathe and run and enjoy itself. It is bicycles at night down the Main Street drag where the streetlights act like angels. You can look up after the sun goes down and see the stars without the whole world spinning, and when the sun comes up the doors to the shops are always swung open just a bit, like the shop owners' faces cracking a genial, welcoming grin. It is that lit-up Dairy Queen sign that looks somewhat different from year to year, but the retired seniors cannot tell (their eyes don't let them see the differences, anyways).

There is something about their small town that I cannot seem to escape- something in their eyes that tells me that they are not kept busy thinking life should be simpler, or that they need to achieve something greater than what they are in their souls. No; this small town is comfortable, it is lemonade, and it will forever try to stay that way.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

vacation, all i've ever wanted

why I love(d) my week at the beach:

Makeup is optional- I already have a healthy sunburn/tan going on, and my skin has never looked better (okay well now after I am back, my face has started to break out).
No one can judge anyone else for wet/gnarly beach hair.
There is salt/sand everywhere. Having little on you is impossible, and having a lot is not too "gross," just natural.
Ryan can actually smell things because of the saltwater! I love that. :)
The houses here are absolutely gorgeous.
The weather was almost always spectacular for enjoying the beach. The only day it was not superb was the day a tropical storm came through haha.
Hello? Swimsuits, all the time!
I love the smell of sunscreen (which is very serendipitous, as I had to apply it all the time).
I can actually boogie-board.
I felt like a badass (and a terrified meal) going into the ocean, with a warning of sharks, while on my period.
It ain't even expensive!
With lots of families, it is a happy place (if you can get past the children and the occasional screaming).
Running is so much more fun on the beach than anywhere else.
I love seeing my footprints in the sand.

what I love(d)/learned concerning my week with my boyfriend's family/friends:

I learned that I could spend a week straight just fine with my boyfriend and his family (I think I could even go a while longer haha). ;)
Kids kind of stress me out. Especially when there are four of them. EIYA.
I love my boyfriend. Like I feel like a good number of people question our relationship (and sometimes I honestly do too) because it is not conventional, but there are just these little moments that hit me and I am just reduced to damn, this is how it's supposed to be.
I learned that to correct Ryan's thundercloud phase all he needs is a good sweet tea and/or a tickling.
His family is not as crazy as I had thought haha. Like I remember in the beginning of our relationship thinking man, I will never fit in, and suddenly I feel like I am actually a part of this family- all of this in a deeper, more fateful sense than I had thought before. It is amazing, and I love it.
I need to be healthier. It is a lot more fun and I feel so much better.
I found out that I/things in general have changed a LOT since last year. I was so much a high-school, dramatic, shy, insecure girl when I came to Myrtle Beach last April, and now I am a "lady" (I dislike the word woman) who can stand fairly strong in her security and loves people. I am so much happier now.
I miss the mountains too! I know that that is a weird realization to have following a week at the beach, but driving back home through the mountains made me miss Gatlinburg and my family's trips there.
I need to go zip-lining, and soon-ish. I did not have the chance to go this trip, so maybe I will for my birthday or something. :)

And, possibly my most important realization: there will be more adventures in store for me- this summer, this year, and beyond! True, I have some growing up to do, too, but I can honestly say that I feel everything is how it is supposed to be at this point in my life.

Monday, May 27, 2013

I am

I am happy.
I am free.
I am colorful.
I am gentle.
I am sentiments.
I am the cracks around my smile.
I am the skin between my toes.
I am my goofy ears.
I am the marks on my bum.
I am my skinned knee.
I am small M&Ms.
I am sweet tea on sunny days.
I am the piano that creeps out of my door.
I am the bird singing outside my window.
I am my dog and his loud snore.
I am my dad's sweaty hugs.
I am that piece of dust under the couch.
I am the vine creeping up the mailbox.
I am the stars in the sky.
I am His.
I am the veins I was given to bleed.

I just Am.

have heart

Happy Memorial Day, everybody! I am very blessed to say that no one in my family has been lost to combat. I do remember, however, a story my grandfather told me when I was young that really touched my heart when I remembered it yesterday.

It was during World War II, and my grandpa was touring around with the Navy in Japan and other neighboring regions. I did not ask if he saw battle, but I am sure he saw the tolls. He had some friends from back home who were on other boats, and at one point, they had news that my grandpa's ship, the SS Lucitania (or something like that) had been attacked. The friends did see my grandpa again (he was not on the boat at that time, or possibly it was a false news article), but I could not even imagine their sadness when seeing that news, assuming the death of their friend. I mean, my grandpa could have been dead, and I am sure for other fathers and brothers and sons and uncles they might truly have died. I think that's part of what this holiday is meant to commemorate. I could also imagine the joy in their hearts when they did see one another, though, & that is what I am thankful for today. In today, there is pain from war and loss, but the joy from people and those other veterans, and freedom.

On another note, happy "first" day of summer! Really, I have been out of school for almost a month now, and I will not lie, I have not done much. But I do have two fighting dogmas on my heart.

I am going to ask you all the same question: would you be happier being thankful and relaxing for the summer, or would you choose to get enjoyment from doing work for something greater than yourself?

Personally, I am siding with #2, but I just cannot find a way to work in that way for others. I guess this is a start. :)


Monday, May 20, 2013

i love you

three notes, a steady beat,
lost in a symphony of cacophony.
many crescendos and decrescendos,
timbres, rhythms, times, volume.

what you cannot see 
of this contained world is
they are all different instruments,
yet they play the same tune, 
just a different variation
of those three notes.

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Ummm, so this is kind of terrifying but freeing at the same time. I am entirely, totally, and inexplicably finished with my first year as a university student! It was definitely a roller coaster, a merry-go-round, and that ride where you spin and spin until your head is light and you begin to see stars.

The reality of goodbye hit me hardest when my family and best friend began to move all of my stuff out of my dorm room. Now that the room was becoming empty (my roommate had moved out days before), it began to look like no one had even moved in at all, and that painted me a kind of blue I could not hide.

Yet, honestly, I could not linger on this sadness for long. I have this really strange feeling that my experiences and memories are just going to grow and improve as my years at school pass by. It was a great year for the most part, but I just sense something greater over the horizon.

The weird part about me being home is the constant need to clean everything. I cleaned my entire room (next is the bathroom dating to pre-puberty years). I think I am just dealing (productively, but awfully) with boredom and all of my friends not being out of school just yet. My best friend is even going to another country (Ireland, anyone?) in a few days! I am so very excited for him, but I will miss him and having adventures with him for the next few weeks while he is gone.

I am not sure what is in the future for my summer or for this blog the next few months. I am sure I will keep you all updated, but just know this: I am in good company and am very content to be back home. :)


Sunday, April 21, 2013

what do I honestly want out of this summer?

Go to Coney Island occasionally.
Spend a rainy day watching old movies.
Write a story.
Get my full driver's license.
Make RC floats/s'mores often.
Learn how to make Ryan's sweet tea.
Throw a party (birthday or no-occassion).
Buy a pet fish and name him something like Magellan.
Collect more earrings and ankle bracelets and bracelets.
Join a bible study for the summer.
Read a few books (Redeeming Love is one).
Get Ryan to buy me flowers.
Get Ryan to make me a list himself.
Make art.
Read in the library with friends.
Get a bunch of balloons!
Take more (funny/artistic/random) pictures.
Go to the Mexican restaurant in town.
Visit in Illinois, and stop by New Harmony.
Pet a bunny.
Pray, and often.
Go outside and experience the beauty God has put in the world.
Get over my fear (a little bit) of singing in front of other people.
Quit worrying so much.
Make an elaborate and yummy meal one morning/evening.
Get a hairstyle I like (and get the color out).

Once again, it's flexible, it's lovable, and it's mine.


Thursday, April 18, 2013

mushy gushy heart stuff

Today is National Boyfriend Day. Thus, I have decided to write you all a little post, in his honor, of the fifteen things I love most about my boyfriend. I had to count them, but we have been together for almost fifteen months now, although we have also been acquaintances/friends for almost eight years, and that is some beautiful stuff.

If you all do not remember, my boyfriend's name is Ryan. This is the same boy that I have had an on-and-off crush on since, umm, two years and some months ago- I believe that fits the time frame. I used to blog about him (and some other boys) throughout my entire high school career. So, to all you girls crushing on that one boy: my story says it can work out, with patience but also when knowing the time is right. Anyways, the protagonist of this list is the boy that did that kind deed of giving money to a man at a Cracker Barrel. I wrote about the whole incident here. And actually me going back and reading that post just made me tear up a bit about how this whole miracle (I cannot call it anything less) unfolded.

So, here it goes.

1. His humor and love brightens not only my life, but everyone's lives around him. He is just like this radiator of warmth and happiness, and I cannot stop myself from being around him as much as possible.
2. I love love LOVE his beard, with its appropriate thickness and brilliant specks of gold and red in it. And his sparkling blue eyes. And his big strong arms. I know this is a very shallow point, but I had to make known those physical attributes at least once.
3. Like the sheep in the Bible's verse, he once wandered from God for a while. But it was amazing- I like to think he wandered from the flock to come and get me, lost, and bring us both closer to Him. He took a chance on me, and although it was not good in the beginning, it is becoming what is good. And that is a kind of gift that I can never express enough gratitude for.
4. I love when he sings in the car, and when he tears up a little bit every single time he sings Amazing Grace. He makes me feel comfortable enough to sing around him, even though I do not do it too often.
5. He always, always, always has hope.
6. It is so fun, how we can go from making out to hanging out in seconds flat. I mean, we are definitely trying to cut down on the making out and do more of the just hanging out (and we do not really have arguments too much at all), but it is all on a way towards good, balanced love.
7. When he messes up, he really tries very hard to make it up. It is so cute.
8. Probably how well he gets along with my dog. My dog loves him- like Bacon gets excited and wants to play as soon as he comes through the door. It is so precious.
9. Ryan calls me Button, and I just think that that is the cutest nickname ever. :D
10. He takes me on adventures, and we make some beautiful moments together (a lot of which I have written about here, or are just plainly stamped into the most commonly-used synapses of my brain).
11. His family loves me! I know this is kind of a weird one, but although his family is often loud and much more different than my family, they are so loving and give me the same love.
12. He gives heavenly massages that I miss quite often when I am away.
13. He shares his bacon with me. That is the most romantic thing haha. ;)
14. He has never in our relationship made a promise to me that he did not follow through on (okay, maybe one).
15. He loves me. Like so much. In an awkward, but painfully beautiful kind of way. And this equally awkward and painfully beautiful girl is perfectly content with that for her life. And I would not (nor advise anyone else) to settle for anything less than that.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

it's a love story

I do not like those people that say that without God, they are nothing. That is really inaccurate, seeing as there are many people on this Earth who live without believing or caring about God, and some in the most remote of areas live without ever even hearing of God. Saying that they are nothing says that their lives are meaningless, are value-less, are nothing, and I just feel that that is offensive and not true.

I think it would be much easier to say that with God, I am something beyond what I could have ever hoped. With God, I can accomplish many things (but because I love him so much, they should glorify Him, rather than myself), and He gives me strength to do these things. I find more purpose, more meaning to my small life walking in Jesus' footsteps, than I could have possibly found before. It's feeling full in life, it's a calling- a hope- that I can actually chase and never be let down because my shortcomings are not important, but just that I keep chasing and that what I am chasing is so important. It is a hope and joy that seems to pour into my thoughts and my writing, as it is below.


For a very long time, I thought no one could love me. My heart yearned for love, but it seemed to be guarded by the "evil stepmother" of my bushy eyebrows, my fat chin, and my shapeless hair. Within the jungle of my body sat a heart that ached in the depth of loneliness. I looked through every nook and cranny of every place I went (and I even went to different countries), but found nothing even close to what I was looking for. I thought I found love in the form of a nice boy who was green and red at the same time, but only found myself carrying his same burden on my own shoulders, dealing with it on my own late in the hours of the night, every night.

But then, I finally let Him in. We have been seeing each other, "talking," you know, for a little under a year now, and I have found that a relationship with Him is the most beautiful, perfect kind of love I could hope to find anywhere. And no, it was never on Earth- I just never even considered to look up. I still find myself falling more and more in love with Him and what He has done and continues to do in my life and in the lives of others.

P.S. I feel like more people are beginning to fall in love with me. I feel new friendships forming, old ones becoming refreshed, and a happiness and hope that cannot be matched. But I just wish I could tell them all that when they are falling in love with me, they are falling in love with what God is doing in my life and in my heart. Times are a-changing, and I am choosing to follow the clouds and the sky with all my heart. I just hope that my trials, experiences, and successes can glorify Him and allow people to open up their hearts with a crack just big enough for God to squeeze in.

Monday, April 15, 2013

letter to an old friend

Last night, while I was trying to settle down the frantic musings in my mind, I was skating through an anonymous secret app, and I thought I saw a secret from you. It was from our university, and with our same situation. I stayed up until 1 o'clock in the morning, shaking and sending messages with this girl who shared the same hopes for healing a broken friendship, hoping to everything I believe in that it was you on the other screen. (I have not told anyone else this, either. It just felt too much like a dream.)

Her name was Lauren, too, and that was pretty incredible. But it wasn't the girl I used to watch Pretty Little Liars with and go shopping with and dance crazily with and dream up ideas with. And that hurt worse than anything.

I have no idea if you read these anymore, but I do miss you. At the point we last talked, I honestly was very lost. I did not know how to love you correctly or, honestly, anybody else in my life. I was just realizing that the way that I was living was wrong, and I felt like one of those people that wake up one day and feel like they have to restart their entire lives because they have little pieces of who they are, but cannot seem to form a concrete idea of their identity when they look in the mirror. A lot has changed- I am still learning, but things are much more clear to me now. I am learning to love justly and understand people more fully.

This sounds really strange to put in an apology letter, but I also wanted to thank you. Thank you for not tolerating me when I started becoming selfish, becoming bitchy, becoming angry. The truth of what happened is, the aloofness of our friendship I think pushed me in the right direction, towards getting better (that doesn't mean I stopped missing you, though- I believe I just needed to grow up before I could finally come to terms with it).

I may have not been too up-front about all this before, but it is mostly for fear of you not wanting the same things, or not missing my friendship in return. So, if you ever want to make not like Taylor Swift and get back together, please know that I am always on that side.


Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Right before I fall asleep, I think of different dates
to go on in the different states
of the country, hoping to find love
between the very enforced-borders of
our cloudy states of mind.


A couple of things I really miss right now include the sweet timbre my boyfriend gets when he sings Amazing Grace and he tears up a bit. I miss the walk I took alone, very slowly, through the fields the above the D-Day beaches of Normandy. I miss that Parisian strawberry juice from a Chinese restaurant that was the greatest drink to ever grace my lips. I miss Canadian winters and those little kids playing a bizarre version of foosball. I like to think of myself as traveled and cultured, and yes I know the universal Truth, but not of the whole universe.
Can I tell you a secret? Once upon a time (less than a year ago, seriously), I was just like you. I was broken, I was hurting, I was burdened, and I was lost. And exactly when I felt like I had lost and was losing everything that was happy, that was satisfying, that the world wanted me to have- that is when I found Jesus. It was cool, because it was like a meeting I felt too late to, but He was just so happy that I had finally showed up.

Since then, God has changed/worked/transformed a lot in my life. My heart is new- I am learning and beginning to understand how to love everyone rightly. My doubts are slowly falling away, and this once terribly insecure girl is finally gaining courage and strength in her core. I see myself now as full, and I just want to share this feeling with everyone. It is a fire that is just so wonderful I just want to be swept away with God and doing what is good and loving and just and right.

Anyways, if you want to know this feeling too, I am always here.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

I cannot wait for the trees to remember that they still have roots, and that they have not died yet. They can then begin to feel beauty and life again.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I would tell you a secret,
but you would not want that-
you might just catch something
like the world crumbling away at my words.

(for you would pick out pieces,
exactly the pieces you did not want to hear-
or even let me explain-
making me out as a hateful shroud
when all I love is love.
It breaks my heart.)

you would not want
the everlasting river in my heart
flowing the same through yours,
bursting the dams of that hardened idea
to a purpose, a reason, a hope.

(feeling knocks down "facts," dear.
I lived that.)

you would not want
to know that Creator
you are not sure if you care if you were created
(you were, by He)
is just Good, is just Love.
it is not fair to judge good parents
by their rebel children,
yet I understand your frustration
with hateful children who cannot hope to hold
the unconditional love of their Father.
as if we were all so great,
children would too be Creators.

(Amen, that it is not case.)

you would not want
to stop doing those things you chase:
that girl or boy, those grades, your own glory,
because they make you feel satisfied.

(I chased those same roads
and found temporary happiness,
as there was only sadness at the seams.)

please accept my hug,
even if you choose, you want
to push away my words,
to build up your dam,
to judge the Creator of the world by my sins,
and to keep chasing the world.

please just accept my hug,
and welcome love,
just as your words and heart
preach and sing together.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

What I would wish out of today:

1. You to show up in front of my dorm with your new blue shirt on and to walk with me around campus and to Home Run Burgers.
2. That pregnancy test in my dorm's bathroom to be negative (I did not want to look at the results, either, for that girl's sake).
3. To be able to fall asleep at reasonable times again.
4. Cold Stone Ice Cream, and that desire may never be off of this list at any time, honestly.
5. My brother to keep sending me pictures of my dog every day, because they make me smile to no end.
6. It to be Friday (but at least it gets closer every day).
7. To not have so much fear in my heart.
8. A back massage, and a new backpack that does not literally scar me.
9. One of my friends to experience the same freeing happiness I feel and hope to share.
10. To be thankful for all that I have and am, despite hoping for these (some trivial, some heartfelt) things that I would like to have or experience. :)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

acid rain

Why do we repeat our mistakes,
falling for the same things-
the same people-
like rain in a cycle?

Friday, March 22, 2013


a playlist by mackenzie rich, with feelings written by mackenzie rich.

1. Stubborn Love- The Lumineers
I sing this when I am walking around campus alone and the wind is blowing in my face, and also when I am alone in my dorm. I honestly think this is the only song I can sing well. But the day anyone hears me singing this will be a life-changing day.

2. Someone Like You- 1997 musical "Jekyll & Hyde"
I always remember a beautiful friend from a few years ago singing this song at a talent show. Our friendship was kind of serendipitous, and although we are not too close these days, that time period was probably the most inspiring (creatively) time in my life thus far.

3. Home is Not Places- The Apache Relay
Definitely one of my new favorites! It gives me such a whiplash of wanderlust.

4. Skinny Love- Bon Iver
This song will forever be my favorite, because it is just so universal to me. It fits in every season, every night, and every place I have ever experienced. It is a yearning for more love.

5. Lizstomania- Phoenix
Spring does not have to be all rain and heartbreak, you know. :)

6. Come on My Soul- Rend Collective Experiment
Spring is the season of growing, where everything is reborn or growing in some shape or way. I am just choosing to grow my spirit.

7. On the Radio- Regina Spektor
I could have put almost any of Regina Spektor's songs here, but this one has been my favorite as of late.

8. Marry Me- Train
All I can think of when I listen to this song is a hill I used to hike when I was younger. It was always windy up there, and you could see very far into the horizon over the hills and farms.

9. I Will Wait- Mumford & Sons
Isn't this just a perfect dancing song? Or a song that you sing with all of the air in your lungs?

10. Melody- Kate Earl
I have this tradition of deeming the first song I listen to on my birthday my "year's" song. This was this year's song, and it has been surprisingly true. It is also quite peppy.

11. She Came Around- Holiday Parade
I would really like to be a girl like this, for a boy to write a song like this about me. That is not who I am now, though.

12. Let it Be- The Beatles
This song is hope. And peace. And a strong beat. And a classic at that, so I feel that it belongs here.

13. Lover of the Light- Mumford & Sons
I could not help myself but to post another Mumford & Sons song. This one is not quite as fun as the first one, but I love the messages of their songs so much.

14. Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson
And this song is brought to you by my rampant impulses in the spring to be infatuated with every single person who has good qualities (the more good qualities, the deeper the infatuation, sadly). I would not choose to love less, though- I just wish I could understand and manipulate all of this love in my heart. Hopefully I will learn that with God's hand, though.

15. Gracie- Ben Folds
Another love song, but this one is from a father to his daughter. My relationship with my Dad is by no means perfect, but I know he loves me.

16. Spare-Ohs- Andrew Bird
This song gives me chills- ahhhh. I love the video on Youtube where he is walking through the streets of Montmartre, singing this song and strumming his guitar and whistling as beautifully and naturally as a bird. This man can serenade me so easily with his lips.

17. Comme des enfants- Coeur de Pirate
This song goes back to when I was first beginning to love the French language. I also really like her sweet, syrupy voice.

18. Re: stacks- Bon Iver
I could not go without picking out another song by Bon Iver! ... That is about the only reason though haha.

19. Dreamer- My Favorite Highway
I would have stopped at eighteen, but needed to add this song. My friend & I used to listen to this song and band a lot before we, well, stopped being friends. And the band also broke up a couple of years ago. It is still kind of a pretty fresh wound, but I do still really love this song.

I do challenge you all to either listen to these and tell me what you think, or to please make your own!


I finally had a chance to go back to the place that started it all. It was never simply an hotel. No, it was two towers with winding hallways that stretched the length of blocks and blocks. It is how I came to know the rainy city I go to school now- how I came to know where I belong, what truly matters, and why things have to change and hurt and grow in this world. I realize I am a different person than the girl that was me when I frequented the hotel every year in the old springs. Was that girl even named MacKenzie? She was sad and trying to live for herself. But the late nights, the games that went on behind and between open suite doors, and the familiar smell of the carpet (which is the same, by the way, even years later) all shaped me into the girl that writes and still stares out the window today. I am simply a happier, more grown-up version of that girl, but so much more free, I feel. The one thing I cannot decide, however, is whether keeping on to these things is holding me back from even more freedom...

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I can laugh at myself

I am laughing rigorously at the moment. I found a story I had written my freshman year of high school. It is 22 whopping pages and is called "Muffin Child" (the girl's family owns a bakery). It involves a girl, her best friend, and his family going on a trip to Tennessee for two weeks with the family of her crush's best friend. I had not gotten very far (first day into the story), but WOW, was I something, and that something was sadly not a writer. It is so shallow, yet so comical and light (but there is also sarcasm), that it does not even look like my writing or even my voice.

I might publish parts of it if I can on here: I am going to enjoy it for a while, though- selfishly chuckling at my own little jokes. :)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

For some reason I do not have the strength to say all the things weighing on my mind tonight. Maybe I will try tomorrow.

Sleeping Sickness- City & Colour

Sunday, March 10, 2013

on my heart: wanderlust, bliss, love

I had it again. That dream where we meet up in the middle somewhere on a Tuesday or something, and together we drive until we reach the coast. It gives me goosebumps when we both run into the water, mostly because it's freezing, but also because it's a great thrill. There's warmness in the backseat of the car, and we both drift away in a peaceful sleep, onwards to our next adventure. Maybe it is on the other coast- maybe it is leagues away, or maybe it is into the future- but it is always home with you.


collection of some younger thoughts of a younger me

August 12th, 2010
I am a turtle, still seeking shelter in my shell. I want to come out of it [oh, I wrote "come out"... dear me, how naive I was]. I am a deer, running away from danger, but I still get caught up in the lights of it all. I am a sloth, tired from the same routine. Little energy keeps me from changing it. I am an ant, marching behind everyone else. I'm going to break off, soon. I am a raccoon, my eyes encased in black. At night is when I feel alive. I am a lightning bug, glittering when I wish- my light the same as others, but sometimes we glow at different times. I am a person, with my own set of problems. Even though I am all of these things, I still try to be myself.

January 12th, 2010
The greatest tragedy a single person can have is the one that emotionally cripples them. I personally see it in one girl every single day. She has no idea how important she truly is to others, and what a great person she is. Because she doesn't know this, I still believe she hurts herself- I've seen the scratches on her wrists. I hope that someday she'll realize, and if not, I plan to tell her. I think about it more than I should- I see it, and feel horrible. I've always secretly looked up to her. I've never thought much of my own life- I don't think it's awful, or unbearable, or tragic. It's a life.

January 28th, 2010
Ohhh, that swing. I never thought a huge tree, a long rope, and a circular wooden board would could ever give one person so much fun, so many memories. I swung on it for hours, and up until I reached high above the shed we had. It was like flying, but sitting down. It occupied my dreams for a long time, where I'd be sitting down and the swing would fall [from under me], and I'd just be flying in the air, floating weightlessly for awhile.

February 1st, 2010
A lot of people write autobiographies of themselves for a living, earning millions of dollars from their words. But they aren't really selling their words- they're selling their lives, their memories, and their thoughts. So, I don't really have a life to sell, because I haven't made one for myself yet. I'm too young- I haven't had enough time, or enough experience to even start... Life for the most part [right now] is boring, and not something of mine that people would want to hear about...

February 12th, 2010
Valentine's Day, to me, is just as meaningful as Canadian Boxing Day. I've never been really given a chance to experience the shallow meaning and effect of the holiday. It's a lot deeper than roses and chocolates and cute little teddy bears that sing songs. It's all about how much you truly care about [usually] one person in your life. But why only one? Why doesn't everybody celebrate the love and caring of everyone? Why don't we all still give out little cards that make everyone feel special? I miss those days. I'm now one of those kids that might rarely have a "one special person" on Valentine's Day. I celebrate everyone, kind of like it's an anniversary of our friendships, and through it flows memories [and nostalgia]. :)

February 24th, 2010
I kind of have found out that there are certain words that sound better than others. Like nightlight. It just sounds cool- the way it rolls off of my tongue with ease. Memento. There's another great word.

February 24th, 2010 [AGAIN]
I really dislike when people say "keep your fingers crossed," mostly because I have a hard time physically doing it. It seems as though the space between my fingers is too small for them to overlap. I don't understand why I'm built this way, but it's of some symbolic point, I'm sure. Because I don't always necessarily have the power to hold a great amount of hope? Or maybe it's the fact that the hope is so strong inside of me, I can't convey it externally. :)

March 4th, 2010
My dreams are short & adventurous. Some have great settings still, but most do not. The last dream I recall is that I was staring at flesh [not a chest at all, mostly because I never dream of "inappropriate parts"- they're all just plain, like the skin of an arm], above the heart of a person. In the dream, I thought it was myself. The heart was circular, but kept beating. Then I woke up.
I came up with my own list of things I want to do this semester. They are just little things, but good. Yes- good.

1. Make a homemade pizza with friends one night. (Because Papa John's pizza is kind of flat.)
2. Go to a Louisville park. (I hear they are awesome.)
3. Plant flowers!
4. Ride the bus (I am still afraid to).
5. Take more pictures.
6. Play music out the window in the morning.
7. Throw a "I'm fabulous" party (I feel like some people I know would like this).
8. Get a boy on campus to give me a ride on his bike.
9. Submit something for the literary magazine.
10. If there is a starry night ever over campus, teach some people about star-tipping.
11. Come up with a really great idea about my future.
12. Go to Cru on Thursdays more often (or maybe not).
13. Try to buy less junk food.
14. Surprise people (even myself).
15. Cut my hair real short.
16. Make some art.
17. Draw a cross on my wrist more often.
18. Learn to open up; learn to love from the good examples I have in my life.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

feedback if at all possible, please

Dear Mom and Dad (& by default, everyone who reads this),

This letter will not quite be like those little notes I always leave on the kitchen counter when I get home late at night- the ones you find in the morning long before I wake up. At GSP, my summer program almost two whole years ago, I remember sending a text saying that I wanted to grow up and change the world. I saw a while back that you had saved that text all this time.

I think you believe and would like to see all of us- me and the other two- change the world someday. I guess that is one of those weird desires parents have that their kids can feel if they truly are loved: to see their kids off and accomplishing great things. Like birds, all of us kids are finally starting to grow up and leave the nest, one at time, yet very quickly.

I have to tell you something that is very difficult, Mom. I know you and Dad have encouraged me so much about college- about getting a degree and working hard. And I truly appreciate that so much, as it has gotten me so far. I am here at a great university on a grand scholarship- I am taking college classes and making friends and attempting to grow up and be independent, one little piece at a time. But there is something else you have been pushing too- some things that I have not appreciated so much. These things include accounting, radiology (despite my disgust concerning the human body), law school (that was mostly Dad), and more.

I know you want the best for me, and I know that you just want to see me succeed, but it makes it so much more difficult to decide on a major or degree that I can truly feel passionate about when I feel like it will not gain enough- like I will not be enough with that. It is actually terrifying to think my passion as in dying trades. I cannot imagine you doing this same thing with my sister, who is so passionate about graphic design, or my brother, who although does not care as much about academics, has specific athletic and academic interests that he does pursue. I have interests too, Mom, but they sadly lie in none of those things that will earn me a lot of money.

I think you (hopefully) know some of the truths that will make us both happy. Maybe you do not always see them, but I think the thoughts are there, even if you do not want to acknowledge them. I do not believe my major limits my capabilities for my life. I do not believe that me picking two majors and having a minor or two is going to hurt me, no matter what they are in. Honestly, I think my future career is not in something that is a set in stone, major-to-degree-to-office kind of job: it is a wild and beautiful love affair that does not even come from a specific major, but lies in a combination of the things I love: music, God, French, writing, charity, traveling, eclectic things.

So, after reading these things, I hope you feel a lot more open when I say I did not enjoy accounting (even though I did try it), and that I am probably going to major in something like English or French (because I enjoy/am good at those things), and minor in Business (because I do know it is important, and I like math still, but I do not overly enjoy it). You want big things out of my life, and I certainly still want them, too. They do not, however, fit the most luxurious, easiest possibility of my future. I am just asking for your support, because I am going to change the world, Mom. Your children are world-changers: that is how you brought us up to be. With your & Dad's love, we learned to love and chase what we love, and that is all I am trying to do now.

Always your little bird,

Monday, March 4, 2013

What sets you on fire? What has settled in your bones?

It feels like the only things I can find in my tiniest crevices lately are God, writing, music, and staring out the window.


Monday, February 25, 2013

realization of a confession

I found it out. It all makes sense. It is a dripping understanding of your heart and its struggles and your thoughts with their gray clouds that rain on my parades quite so often.

It came down to one of those secrets that you cannot even begin to tell anyone else about- a whisper on a night you were not exactly ready for. It was one of those hidden secrets that shatter glass opinions sitting on glass tables that you once knew were stable, but now know better. Sure, everything is clearer now- now I can see why you act the way you do. But when you truly get to know someone, that is where the deepest of things crawl out of the darkness and into the warmness of the fire of your relationship, for better or for worse.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

happy freedom

I cannot focus. I cannot study for my tests. My soul is on fire- a beautiful fire that feels like it is rapidly spreading outwards. It crawls under my skin, it fills me with the Sun without ever being parched.

I do not even know what is going on, but all I can do is just feel. This fire seems to die when I have to think, but when I just feel... it takes over, and I willingly let it.

Monday, February 18, 2013

small thoughts

We all make promises to our hearts, equally as we do to other people. We give ourselves a song, a person, a fleeting feeling. Hope hikes the mountains in the winter, just as we do, but also knows and lives in the cozy valleys below.


I cannot imagine the world not being lit up. Even if there were not lights, there would be fires. And if there were somehow no fires, then there would still remain the stirring and passion that lies in peoples' hearts. Sure, not everyone has that fire in themselves, but some would light the way, and, like fire, this kind of light catches on and truly shines across the world.


I am not sure what position my heart is in currently. I do trust God with whatever he has planned for my life. I am just not sure what it looks like here to me (and that truthfully scares me very deeply). I was convinced I was so in love with a boy, and suddenly it just does not seem to work like what it did in the last few months. We seem to be going in different directions. But I have also let people poison my heart and mind lately.


I have found another boy like the boy that reminded me of autumn from many years ago. Something about him also makes him blue, though, like the gentle waves of the ocean hitting the thin sand. My best friend is summer (for obvious reasons), but I still love him the same. And my best friend from back home is spring, and it so refreshing to be with her. My boyfriend... I do not know what he is. Lately, he has been winter, and that scares me to no end also.


All my thoughts have been melting with anxiety once the week starts up, and then these thoughts die throughout days. It is a vicious cycle. But I like where and when I end up at the top, so all seems okay for now.


Until next time,

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

ups and downs

I love when you find something beautiful, or even broken, in another individual. They feel the light of God, they are not happy, they write poetry that could send the most intellectual people into awe, they have been scared by struggles they have kept to themselves. We hide some of our rawest (most human) qualities deep within, waiting for the day when someone else stumbles upon them. And on those days of discovery, we as a people can come together, and finally we can be free.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Here is a little list I wrote of things that make me different (and happy). I wrote these things firstly in a dark time during my first semester, but I feel so good now that that time is over. These things ring fairly true though for me.

*I give people (nice) nicknames in my phone as middle names. Sweet, Cool, Super, Lovely, Beautiful, Best Friend, & some more light up my little screen quite often.

*On days I feel sad, I dress up more than usual. Why not wear a dress and act super confident in your physical appearance, even if you don't feel that way in your head?

*My favorite pet name is Button. :3

*Sometimes I like to get up and listen to "Footloose" & dance around in my dorm room all by myself. I am a hideaway, happy weirdo. :)

*I am a sucker for watching old kid TV shows when I am sick (or even occasionally when I'm not). Lately I have been watching Disney movies.

*When I hiccup, I sound like a baby bird.

*I am very much attracted to facial hair. I would love having a conversation about/over some beautiful beardage.

*Anytime I sing Christian music, I can't help but smile. Sing about someone you love, and you really can't help but smile.

*BUT I do not really sing in front of people. That is one of those weird childhood-rooted fears that I have not yet totally recovered from. I do love singing, just mostly by myself.

*If I could be anywhere right now, it would be at home with my dog. Or in Québec, for the Winter Carnaval up there. I went like three years ago, and it is still my favorite traveling experience. Or maybe in Tennessee, for a Rend Collective Experiment concert coming up.

*I pull "Jim faces" from The Office quite often. I love that show, and miss Michael Scott.

That surely paints a pretty nice picture of me. God, people, and just life in general have made my life worth more than it should be lately.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

It always snows for the girl no one knows.
She sits in the trees while the wind starts to blow.
She loves the reaping but hates to sow.
This is the girl that I have come to know.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


(Dear Reader,
This is the story of a time I fell in love with a person from the inside in, in between their fingers, and even within the borders of our shared scars.)

Dear You,

You fell out of the ocean. I remember it like one of those moments that bears a deep weight, despite its small significance in a day, that month. I saw in your eyes something bigger than the waves.

You took a walk with me in a place I grew up. Pine trees were there but did not cover up that blue sky. We danced on the path while the sunshine hit your face and your smile lit the way.

There was a tornado warning, so we went down into the basement. Your brother was there, upset because his young love was out of reach. But we were together. You wrapped your arms around me in a blanket, and worried about my family with me, while we waited the storm out.

You wanted me to know the God you loved so much and who I had never known (but secretly always wanted to). You helped me there, to here.

You gave me a song that you said reminded you of me. It was a dark rock song, but it gave me hope, when I didn't know you cared, that someday you would.

You admitted you struggled with some issues in the beginning, but you gave them up. For me. 

You made me fall in love with the little moments, and those are the ones that counted.

To many more,
"It's rained a lot since you left."

"Yeah, it rains back home too."

Don't get it stuck in your mind that I am in love with him. No, I just love him. When he is there, he is my best friend. And when he is not, I feel somewhat lost wherever I am.


when tomorrow comes!

I am now a few weeks into my second semester of college. Surprisingly, even to myself, I am somehow already academically considered a second-semester sophomore (yet I still have the heart of a scared, timid freshman). I am still adjusting, but it is a process.

My 2012 was actually a very eventful, triumphant, and challenging, but overall blissful year. In this post, I plan on describing 12 things I learned from 2012, and also 13 things I will teach 2013.

So, in no particular order:

1. I learned the value of things that aren't for sale. Last year, some of my resolutions were to "buy less useless shit" and "eat less junky shit" (at age 17, I thought it was cool and poetic to use curse words). I do however feel like I accomplished those goals, though in different ways. I still bought and used my fair share of non-essential items, yet I do feel stronger the weight of things such as time with family, determination, responsibility, patience, and homemade meals. I cherish those things (and many more) deeply since going off to college and being forced to grow up a bit. Also, although I certainly have not eaten healthier this year, I did learn my resolution concerning junky food the hard way. In fact, I earned myself ten pounds, in just one semester! That is not a terrific feat but very much an eye-opener to a previously quite thin girl. It is safe to say that I will be appreciating carrots and apples for a long while now.

2. I also learned probably the most valuable thing a person can learn under the Christian faith- who Jesus is, and what he sacrificed for all of us. I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior in August of this year, without much prior experience in church at all. It was a miracle, really! But beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ has really helped me handle things going on this last year, and that relationship makes me feel so much more confident about where my future is headed.

3. I learned that I will NOT be pursuing Accounting as a major, haha. Although I am now (upon the completion of last semester) a college sophomore, it is safe to say a business major is not the thing for me! I am still very much stuck on not only what I want to major in but also finding an overlap between what I enjoy/am good at and what I can make money from.

4. I learned that if you want something, you have to prepare for it. You absolutely cannot procrastinate- it leaves you in the same place you were before, but with probably a stronger desire now for that something that has passed. That is the story of how I did not submit to my school's literary magazine, how I did not get tickets to a concert, and many other things.

5. I learned that music and self-reflection still soothe. Ahh, I cannot describe to you how much Bon Iver and Mumford & Sons saved my late nights and gloomy city days at college.

6. I learned that where my home lies is where I love most honestly and dearly. Prior to this year, it felt as though it was just in Illinois, my birth state that I visit maybe a few weeks in a year. But this year it has transcended, finally to include Kentucky, even with its rural aspect and bumpy country roads. This also relates to people, in that I have been keeping up a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (... and my family... and all my friends that stayed home for college) since I went off to school. It has been hard, but it just feels so much stronger and hopeful when I return home.

7. I learned that good luck happens to good people! What I said about Accounting? I was really struggling in that class to get a good grade, despite hours of studying. I tried to be fair- not cheating like some other students did. I got a C on almost every single exam we took (which was about 12 or so). As a straight-A student in high school, I was literally the worst student in the class. But guess what? Somehow, I made it just enough to get an A. Either way, I am thankful and happy, and that teacher really did teach me a lot more than just Accounting.

8. I learned that sometimes you just need to give it up and ask for help. It is so so so much easier. This is related to Accounting mostly, but also a hard lesson I learned as a stubborn-as-can-be teenager, and a new devoted servant to God.

9. I learned that friends are great. It isn't a powerful revelation, but my older best friend (who goes to school with me now) literally helped me greatly with getting adjusted to college. He helped me despite my weirdness and lack of understanding, and even an awkward time I farted. I am so thankful that he was there to help me.

10. I learned that doing something for others is one of the most meaningful things you can do. I have not been too thrilled with my volunteering experience during college (as shown on my other blog), but I do see the bright side of volunteering in that it makes me feel better knowing I am working to make someone be or feel better. I hopefully will find a new site to love in this big ol' city, though.

11. I learned that sometimes you just have to love yourself. This was probably the hardest thing for me to learn, being away from home/my comfort zone in so many senses. I lost a friend in the process of learning to love myself, somewhere, somehow. But despite this sad loss, I can see that somewhere down the road this is going to allow me to be happier.

12. Finally, I learned that I had to return to this blog. I started a new personal blog, but man, that just did not work. I will not be that same person I was in prior years (although I have returned to feeling like a scared, shy freshman again). I refuse to let that happen. But you absolutely cannot shake off your roots. And although there are days (especially at 8AM) where I just do not want to put on makeup or get out of bed, I do it anyway, because I refuse to let myself do otherwise.

Now that those are over, here come my resolutions for 2013!

1. To obtain my full license. (I still desperately need to fulfill this one, being eighteen and not able to drive without a guardian. I will get it by May.)
2. To save up money (I will not spend it on every little thing I see, especially while at school.)
3. To not be afraid to go on an adventure. (I really, really, need to work on developing courage. I also really want to go to Quebec in the next year or so.)
4. To organize, and prioritize. (I will not make or leave my room as messy when I come home from school. I will choose between things more efficiently.)
5. To learn to make things. (I have always really wanted to know how to make things- pizza, baked goods, tables, knick-knacks. I will make stuff, but over the summer, when I have time.)
6. To get more comfortable with college. (I will make new friends, and try to not be shy.)
7. To worry less. (I have literally agonized myself, made myself sick, from anxiety and sadness wreaking its havoc on my body and spirit. No more.)
8. To eat healthier. (Every Monday, I will try not to eat meat, and to munch on more carrots and salads. I will eat a small breakfast every day.)
9. To spend less useless time online (less TV, but more learning, and getting myself out there.)
10. To develop my relationship with God. (I will go to Cru at college and church as much as I can, also meet with Kari, my discipleship mentor, as much as possible)
11. To take my dog on longer walks. (I will do so when I am home.)
12. To see Bon Iver in concert! Or even Mumford & Sons! (I have wanted to do this for a long time. I also hope to find another person who likes them as much as I do, though.)
13. To be more happier with me. (It's not a given of who I am, but I will be happy with what turns out. I also really need to find out what I am doing here in college, but I am letting God be my compass at this point, because I am quite clueless.)

So, happy New Year! May your goals be accomplished!


P.S. I have lately become obsessed with the Les Miserables soundtrack. Do You Hear the People Sing seems to rip the courage out of the depths of my heart, and suddenly I feel full of hope. I also feel much more "triumphant" while doing homework/reading.