Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dear You,

I've written you 567 letters etched on the inside of the prison walls of my head, all composed of unnecessary guilt and burden. I am working on letting you go. I am working on forgiving myself. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Wow, I have not posted in a very long time. I hope you all are doing well. For the next few months I will be posting mostly to, telling of my summer mission project adventures and experiences in preparation for my summer in Charleston, SC. I am so excited about this experience and most of my time for the next few months will be spent praying and fundraising for it. If you would like to follow my journey, pray for me, or give financially, please head over to that URL and follow me there. :)


Thursday, January 9, 2014

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals

(and a Happy New Year).

I hope you all had happy holidays and a wonderful break and time with family and friends. Despite this frigid winter weather I am still going strong and can thankfully call myself changed. God has changed my heart towards a lot of things over the past several weeks, and I am certain this year and even semester are going to be absolutely amazing.

I am taking a Creative Writing class this semester, so I have a feeling you guys will (hopefully) get a lot of possible snippets of stories/poems/drama works out of me. I would feel so honored if people read my posts, even just in the bathroom haha.

… I think I might be going on a summer project this summer, working in Chicago or New Jersey or Charleston. I am not really sure, but it is something I really feel drawn toward doing this summer. There are a lot of hurdles, but from looking at my options things still look so bright.

Here's to a new semester and new year!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

a truth

Sometimes we are forced to face our demons. Sometimes our hearts are stuck in swirling eddies of hate and despair and darkness. And sometimes we feel vengeful, striking out against those things and persons which give us pain.

I came home, in an already worn state, to reminders of the broken fragments of good relationships I once held with people. Guilt and agony wracked my thoughts at the painful words of people I once did and honestly still do care deeply about.

I am so sorry that I hurt people trying to get what I thought was the right thing for everyone. I am most sorry because even when I did care before, it was at an immature and unjust level that I can only understand now with some wisdom and growth in my faith and capacity for love. I was so selfish, and am still so selfish, and I am very saddened by that. But God has a purpose for this. I have grown a lot, I am just at this juncture very unsure of what to do with the some wisdom I have gained. My heart is in darkness, and all I want is light.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

love where love is deserved

Hello everyone. It is Finals Week here, and I am enjoying myself a nice Reading Day before my three finals this week. I just wanted to take this time to love on a few special people in my life who really deserve it and have been loving on me so graciously lately.

On Thursday or so I came down with a severe virus that honestly could have crushed me if it wanted to. On Friday I was kind of sick, on Saturday I broke down, and on Sunday I spent honestly and earnestly praying to God that He would take my pain, just crying. I was a miserable shell of myself, and I should not have been, but the way I could neither breathe nor swallow nor eat but still vomit was horrific, and I do not wish it on anyone else, thus I quarantined myself off pretty well into tomorrow so that no one I love gets it.

In this horrid last few days, a few people have spent their time really loving on me. First up to the plate was my boyfriend Travis, who did actually not see me at my total worst but I was sick and he still said he loved me, so I have that going for me. He also brought me pudding and helped me type a French essay. Sometimes the ways he does things are a little bit chaotic to me, but I like him and it makes things exciting. He is so sweet.

Next up was my best friend Dirk, who although did not see me too much he still brought me a thermometer. It is funny, because last year I was there when he vomited during the Final Four matches, and this year he was there for me when I vomited, just by chance.

On third is my Mom, who is like the greatest superhero of my life. I was really upset at first by her distance that she had because she could not come and see me because I am at school and the weather was bad. I was so frustrated with my helplessness towards going to the doctor and getting medicine and food and even not having my blanket. On Monday, the day after the worst day, she drove here and brought me to the doctor and also brought me homemade food and soup, sweet tea, my blanket, and some other goodies that honestly brought joyful tears to my eyes. I missed my Mom so much during those last few days, and I was just so grateful for her to come because I think she very much contributed to the reason I can walk and talk today.

Finally, on home plate, is God. You have to understand that on Sunday I was petrified by my condition. After I had vomited on Sunday that meant that I had not eaten in two almost three days, I was feel dehydrated, I could barely swallow, and I was afraid that if I fell asleep on my face I could suffocate and die. Mostly I was petrified because every day it had gotten worse, and if there was a worse day than Sunday I did not think I had the strength to handle it. But alas, this was a virus- God made my body already able to fight this disease off without antibiotics (but I was not strong enough to go without Tylenol because I am a wimp, haha), and I can walk around and boast (tomorrow- I am still considered possibly contagious today haha) God's glory with so much renewed hope and enthusiasm. I am actually enthusiastic about doing these exams. I am enthusiastic about having a good weekend afterwards with my friends, then going home and enjoying the holidays with my family. God healed me  and even now He continues to heal my heart of what I ultimately wish to be healed of.

Those are my thanksgivings for you, I love you all, goodnight and good luck on your finals.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

love, searching

a cord of three,
that is we.

let me weave of this a tale for you-
it may last as long as two lifetimes.
but much like an episode,
a boy and girl crossed paths
crossed stars,
crossed borders and dreams,
and met at a station under the cross 
but still, searching.

the boy, with features so striking,
thought they were his beautiful faults.
oh, but the girl:
she saw no features of herself,
only a humility that came from shame.
they wore their issues on their arms,
their hearts scarred
but still, searching.

the boy saw her first,
but the girl was looking too
(in her heart).
they kissed under a bow-
a gift of God, love truly is.
they played the parts of
Adam and Eve, today,
stumbling slowly
but still, searching.

the girl caught on quick:
this was the only love story she wanted,
wearing a big heart and long embrace.
as long as they loved,
they would be a butterfly circus 
of glory, amazing grace-
but still, searching.

a cord of three,
that is we.

*Sorry you guys, just playing around with poetry again.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I was waiting on the mail, but it never came.

I am so sorry dear, but it never came.