Friday, April 29, 2011

change of name, change of game.

watch the sunset drip off her fingers
onto the cold wet dew beneath
her flowing free fancy feet
she can now begin to breathe
finally the night lingers
the time of her content.

watch her through the trees
she sits on the old ground silent
watching the sun fall over the
home she knows.

she knows the sun falls down
only to let the moon rise up
there's always light of
new time, dim or bright.


I'm sick & sniffly today, but today was a good day to end a bittersweet week. My successes have oddly sparked more successes, while my stress from present events has skyrocketed into a new atmosphere. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately, but I will soon. Laying in my bed now seems a whole new experience, as my mind races to new thoughts and happiness in the darkness and solitude of my own mind. Sorry if none of this makes sense.

Some happy things on my mind today:
pink limonade with ice
wood smoke, rising from a bonfire
dancing in a circle
hearing the quiet sound of an acoustic guitar through the thick evening air
hugs & holding hands
plaid shirts
the sun setting and hitting you straight in the eyes
not being able to see another house out your front door
driving by, seeing old people sleeping in chairs on their front porches
that one chord my friend played on the piano tonight
the double rainbow that everyone else saw yesterday (except for me)
serenity now, or something new
knowing that other people, no matter how close, will always have mysteries about them

won't stop- one republic.


Monday, April 25, 2011


I actually am okay. It is alright, even if I totally have to numb myself from all emotions to get over it. I really wish I could thank everyone for how they've helped me through this. Honestly, thank you, even though half of the people I would thank won't read this (because I'm not into friends following my blog, because they put an imaginary pressuring damper on my writing), but the portion of you on here, you are great, great people.

A couple of years ago, I couldn't deal with myself in this situation, and when I did, it was months later before I could feel better about myself. Now, I am rising out of the ashes, a phoenix of a new philosophy. I'm moody and indifferent, but at least my self-esteem is not obliterated- no, I may be deemed more selfish, but it's for my own happiness.

*Sigh.* The show must go on.

I'm finally getting to the good part of The Scarlet Letter, where you can visibly see the feminist struggle that Hawthorne emphasizes. It might seem extremely boring in the beginning with all of the fluff, yet it strikes a chord through its true underlying message. Very empowering. :)

"If she be all tenderness, she will die. If she survive, the tenderness will either be crushed out of her, or—and the outward semblance is the same—crushed so deeply into her heart that it can never show itself more." Nathaniel Hawthorne, how you've read my mind.

Seasons- Chase Coy


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Are You There, God? It's Me, MacKenzie.

I've been curled up in a ball now- crying on my bed- for like an hour now, and just regained my dignity to walk down the stairs and type this post. It's 10:37 as I type this very sentence, and I don't see any sign of falling asleep anytime soon, unless I pass out from some uncalled-for reason (besides exhaustion, which seems favorable at the moment).

Today was yet another academic team competition (our last one of the year). The tournament itself was a normal one, but something made it different from all the others (the crying was different, too, but the reason why I was crying was what made it different).

Why, you may ask? I made it through most of the day just fine. Worried, yes, but that's my routine. It came in the end, when I least expected it. I was tortured, for two hours straight. I sat and watched and watched as I slowly became nothing in the eyes of someone I respect, as their eyes drifted to another girl, leaving me stranded in the eyes of none with nowhere to go, trapped to witness the figurative band-aid being ripped off of me. He stomped on my heart, then stabbed it, then dropped it on the highway we were driving on for everyone else to see and run over, too.

Oh, and did I mention I get to see this kid every day at school, in half of my classes? Probably not.

So, if there is a God up there (like I truly do believe there is), please allow me the strength to get over this heartwrenching affair.

I have a couple other things to add too, as I'm truly struggling to be okay with this before I see him on Monday. I'm considering changing the blog name, just because with school I've noticed my "wild"ness is rapidly evaporating. "dans la lune" (daydreaming) or "running in between clouds"- I can't decide.

"I know God feels my pain with the way the skys rain"- Sorry it's quoted directly off of Facebook (the court jester of grammar), but it is very rainy here, and applies quite drastically.

This is only a fraction of us. No, he's not in here, so don't ask.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I Shall Teach You a Lesson Instead of Writing a Sweet Nonsensical Poem

wandering aimlessly through the forest

Sorry, that thought was brought to you by the time before my thoughts were interrupted by a phone call from my best friend last night. That went fine, by the way. What was worse was what came later- the text.

It was supposed to be an innocent, nice little chain message. Just one of those pass it along texts, usually from people you don't care about that you send along, hoping for the special situation to happen. My 13 year-old cousin sent me one saying "send this to 10 pretty girls and the guy of your dreams will tell you he likes you." It also added, as a warning, that if not done, "karma will pay! :O"

Let's just say I didn't do it, and the karma did pay. In the exact way that karma could take its toll.

So, concerning chain messages, they can be quite true. I didn't believe it, until now. Hahahaha- oh the irony, even though my heart is slowly breaking. I give you permission to laugh at my expense.

Seasons- Chase Coy
(check it out on iTunes- no video yet, I think.)


Saturday, April 16, 2011

little scurrying thoughts

it's a hard time, to see your youth slipping through your fingers, like sand in the hourglass.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

a quick update

The best feeling to an exasperated student: knowing your hard work and stress does get you somewhere. And believe me, you'll like that somewhere. :D

I decided today that yesterday was an unofficial opposite day. A freshman with the most beautiful mane of hair had it up in a ponytail (a gross one, at that). Another guy kept on staring at me (even though usually it's the other way around). I actually did exceedingly well at academic team practice (the two best people weren't there, but still, please don't criticize my glory).

Today was glorious (even though all of these blaring projects and tests and papers I have to do that are constantly crushing me into nothing). I found out some good/bad news. Good news: I got accepted into a prestigious 5-week summer program (I get the details late May). :D Bad news: I am supposedly not allowed to use the internet while I am there (I really am going to look into that though haha). :/

And for this short conversation, it was an AMAZING day:

"Hey, well we have the lit[erature] player on our team." Kid #1
"Dammit." Kid #2
"I'm sure you'd rather have [literally like the top humanities & language arts player in our region]." Me
"No, I'd rather have you." Kid #1

Oh, it was so cheesy & awkward, but I almost died.

ahhhh. ♥ :DD

Monday, April 11, 2011

Manic Mondays (My Confession)

I'm half-heartedly trying to get back into the hang of things. Unsuccessfully, of course, but it's still an attempt, nonetheless. Me, myself, & I are quite the buddies of mine, on this rainy day I spend at home.

I was sitting on the bus on the way home, watching my subdivision pass through the outside of the foggy window. All I could think about was my thoughts, my thoughts that conquered my entire day. I sat there, embarrassed, chewing on my sleeves, trying to forget about it all. People call me shy all the time, but my thoughts are the things that haunt my voice. I'm completely afraid that they burst out of my mouth, and into the ears of everyone else, for all to experience and hear. If every thought is heard, why even speak? I think I just really know what words mean. A feeling of nervousness and hotness spreads over my face when I even dare think of something less-than-widely-accepted- a self-pressure, almost. I don't say anything dumb, but feel dumb for not saying anything. It's a gift & a curse all at the same time.

Am I ashamed of my thoughts? A bit. Am I insane? Probably. I'll win over it one day.

Joe Brooks- I Find the Light in You

Mondays are the worst. They put them at the beginning of the week, so everyone can get over the bad days and end the week on a happy note.

Hopeful (like I should be),

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

- Roald Dahl, but via a lovely person

The most life-changing experience of my life, in both good and bad ways.

I found out that people aren't always what they seem- we're all selfish in nature, but this was seen at a disgusting, ugly extreme. Seeing it in someone else, it taught me alot.

I also found out that I deserve respect, too, and shouldn't settle for anything less than that.

I wrote in a journal while I was there, but I'll probably do those posts and thoughts and pictures separately.

For now, I'm here to stay. :)


(P.S. No song this post, because all I've been listening to for weeks is "What Ever Happened" by The Strokes.)