Sunday, November 27, 2011

Three words that became hard to say: I, and Love, and You.

passing perfumed notes.

Some Things I Truly Enjoy:
When you speak little snippets of French
How you are just so generally warm- your hugs, your eyes
How you can always make me laugh
How you accept me when so few people do
How you will actually listen to my music, when no one else will anymore
How much hope there is
That toothless smile you have, when your eyes crinkle up and your cheeks dimple
How this has not taken me by surprise (really, thank you)
How I really needed somebody to fill up this little hole in my heart, and you are trying

One Single, Lonely Thing I Do Not Enjoy:
I am afraid. Of what? I do not know- just everything.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


"Autumn Song" by Katherine Mansfield

Now's the time when children's noses
All become as red as roses
And the colour of their faces
Makes me think of orchard places
Where the juicy apples grow
And tomatoes in a row.

And to-day the hardened sinner
Never could be late for dinner
But will jump up to the table
Just as soon as he is able,
Ask for three times hot roast mutton-
Oh! the shocking little glutton.

Come then, find your ball and racket,
Pop into your winter jacket,
With the lovely bear-skin lining.
While the sun is brightly shining,
Let us run and play together
And just love the autumn weather.


Well, the finest weather of the year is finally here. It is interesting, how this time last year, I became infactuated with a boy who reminded me so much of what I love about autumn. Just his entire presence was a warm, orange color.

*sigh.* I miss him, occassionally.

I miss being infactuated with anyone, really. Autumn seems, for me so far, the season of loneliness. I sit on the schoolbus in the afternoons on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hoping that someone will sit next to me and actually strike up conversation with me. Or even just someone sitting there, existing, and acknowledging my existence, is a pleasant thought.

I really just wish for someone new, or maybe someone old. Someone with a new role to play. Someone to go on adventures with, and to talk about life, and someone to sit at home. You know what I really wish someone would ask me to do? To watch Beauty & the Beast, which is on on either Friday or Saturday. I don't know why a sudden companion would make me happy, but it just really, really would.

If you get a chance, listen to "Someone to Love" by Hey Marseilles. It is just beautiful and dandy.

P.S. I went on an adventure Halloween afternoon. It was a brief adventure, surely, but I took a short walk through a path carved in the tall grasses and weeds. I trudged through mud, and eventually had to turn back. It was nice, for a minute, just to let go and let my soul take flight and guide me through the uncharted beyond.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

To tell you the truth, all, I am very, very content with life.

I attended one of my friend's birthday parties this past weekend, and it was oh-so-very lovely. It wasn't even that it was fall (although that did exponentially make it more beautiful), but it was also being surrounded by some of my closest, dearly-missed friends (good friends I haven't seen in over two months). The bonfire, the crazy dancing, the chili, the chocolate cookies, the conversations about Harry Potter, the Ale-8: I truly feel like those things define me and my happiness.

Yet the most beautiful moment came in the following morning. We had stayed up until 4:00 a.m. or so, but for some reason I woke up several hours later, when the sunlight was just beginning to pour through the windows. I laid there for quite awhile, wandering in a lazy unconsciousness, but then I noticed it. I was home. Laying there, surrounded by some of the people I truly love, I was home.

"Home is wherever I'm with you..."

Oh, this feeling is warm and fuzzy, it is just so enlightening. It is especially helping in making it through the whirlwind of stress I am currently facing. College applications & Calculus, oh my!

On the college application I am currently working on, I have to write about a situation that has "piqued my intellectual curiosity." The thing is, I truly don't know what I am "intellectually curious" about in the first place- I mean, I am curious about things, but I don't feel like I have necessarily been "piqued" by one specific incident for any of them. I feel like, rather, my curiosity has developed overtime with my life and experiences, as well as how I determine and truly engage in something I am interested in. I know that they just wish to see in an applicant their ability to analyze in retrospect their own lives, but it is pretty intense. So, if you have any comments about something in your life that has piqued your intellectual curiosity, PLEASE share!


Friday, October 14, 2011

strive along

breathe in
breathe out
let the stars themselves sprout
don't you know to love them so?
the life, inside
the beaten hide
while lives of all must grow
and so we lay
on their remains
in hopes of seeing the next day
but we must hope
in being strong
to shine so bright
and strive along.

(I'm still tinkering with it.)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

*new blog name alert.

(even though it will probably be transient.)

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Sensation of Leaving

*Sorry, everyone, for being gone. Life has gotten in the way, and I really am slightly saddened that everyone can understand that. College visits and piles of homework have taken up all of my time... and focus... and energy. So I'm trying to make up for it, kind of. Not that I really need to. You all understand my ways- I don't need to explain myself. You probably understand me to a larger extent than I myself do.


One of my most favorite sensations in the world is watching the highway zoom by- going forward in one direction. It's when you go away. Those long car rides are hours spent well in the deep realm of thought. It is a way of escape- and I'm not talking about the feeling of the stuffy hotel duvets and that one damn bright streetlight that creeps in through the tiniest crack in the curtains. I wrote a personal narrative on a trip, on this feeling, oh-so long ago, but I could never place it for what it truly was.

I really enjoyed the sensation of not feeling "away" while I was away, two weeks ago, to Tennessee. As I traveled across the county lines, I still felt at home in the world- in myself- in that I carried my "home" with me. It came in the form of friends, good friends- ones I had not seen in so long, yet I still carried their heavy, happy memories in my heart.

On my way home from the city, escaping smoke-filled air and cramped highways, all I could gaze at were the stars shimmering in the sky. Hours whizzed by like the passing landscape and streetlights, but the stars were there all along, along for the same ride I was. The couple sitting beside me was tangled in one another, arms and legs mixed in the midst of summer, but I smiled and had my own intimate conversation with the stars. Indeed, a conversation with the very own heavens that hold all of our dreams, our loves. Those bodies, shining bright!

(I'm going to end this post now, as I have a small, cutesy, pretty lame story about my experience with the stars. Actually, I think I could write a hundred poems, a thousand stories, and a million love songs about the stars. I'm obsessed, you know.)

Mack. :)
"... I try to make buildings that feel good to be in. Like this. C'mere."

Max took a step toward him. Carol suddenly enveloped Max in a bear hug.

"What's that feel like?"

"Ummm, hairy? Warm. Good."

"Yeah. I want to build a whole world like that."

Monday, September 5, 2011

I am on the peak of a big discovery as I type this, and man, does it feel good to be able to know what's on the other side of this mountain.

I woke up this morning & could feel how different life suddenly was. In contrast to the sweltering heat, the air was frigid and from far away. The chimes danced in the wind, the same familiar tune they swung along to at my Grandma's house. The autumn season sure has fallen over the Kentucky hills overnight. I was not quite prepared, but I have come to terms with the change. I missed the cold being dominant, and I missed the heat being a source of relief, not the opposite.

It's been almost a year since it, but I have finally come to terms with all that had happened, and all that is yet to come. That is my resolution- my mountain's peak. I'll explain later, when I am sure. Until then, you should do two things:

1. Listen to "Holocene" by Bon Iver & "The Leaves Will Change" (Acoustic) by Take Cover because they are appropriate for autumn nights.

2. Expect my blog's name to change, as I feel a change of heart coming on. I assure you, it's for the better.

Until another time, my friends!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Saturday, September 3, 2011

A. World's Fair

dried sand and dirt
glued to my skin
God's sweaty embrace: heat

the zebra chases the lion around the carousel
babes beg for prizes high on the wall
while the older kids desire to spin in every direction

faster faster faster

whirring of machines in a summer night
overcomes the crickets' final symphony
now almost fall.

spring forth for a few days
lighting up the nights
vain, comparison to the stars


Orion runs from his only fear
A scorpion in the sky
Hidden behind the screen of cigarette smoke

Delilah collects her pieces of silver
From the unsuspecting passerbys
While the animal shelter goes on empty

Where are we,
But really, why?

Monday, August 22, 2011

so utterly alone

"I don't really know you."
"That's okay. I don't really know me either."

I've been oddly obsessed with the above song for days now. A really good friend of mine sung it one day in front of a crowd, while we all surrounded her, our ears and our hearts open. Some people just have that power, to really move people, and this beautiful, talented individual was one of those types of people.

I've felt so utterly alone the last couple of days. Friday, the last night my best friend was in town, we spent it eating sundaes, taking a drive around town, and singing at the top of our lungs into the summer night sky. That night was a gift worthy of sitting at the front of the Christmas tree. But alas, the next morning wasn't the greatest, as I watched him zoom off towards college. I broke down in the driveway- crawled in the minivan, and cried.

I can't comprehend the whole truth of that morning, but I've noticed that goodbyes are getting harder, and I don't anticipate them to get easier through life.

There's many different things that have happened since my last post. Well, my best friend went off to college. My friends threw me a (spectacular) surprise party. I started school, now in my last year of high school. My Blogger account is being extremely unattractive and won't cooperate, and won't let me comment on most blogs (which I am very, very, very sorry for).

Well, for now, I'm stuck here craving something more in life. I might invite my friends over for a sleepover sometime soon. And we'll finger paint. Because it's enlightening. And we'll drive two hours away. Just to eat cupcakes. And we'll all walk up a big hill. It's worth it to see that Kentucky Sun set over the rolling hills.

Mack. :)

Friday, August 5, 2011


august 5th, 2011

Is God really watching me?
Is anyone watching me?
I have no idea anymore.

I'm running from tomorrow, and chasing the past.

I'll be back tomorrow, just not me.
I'm not myself now, but I defnitely won't be me after the sun falls.

So long, Mac-N-Cheese.
Hello, Ms. Rich.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

A Mix of Lists

A List of Lovely Tunes:
1. You & I- Ingrid Michaelson
2. At the Bottom of Everything- Bright Eyes
3. New Theory- Life of Leisure
4. All Those Nights- Chase Coy

A List of Wishes:
1. To forget about him (or at least to care less).
2. To see all of my GSP friends sometime soon.
3. To make something very special of my birthday.
4. To feel better.

A List of Delightful Smells:
1. Strawberries. Anything and everything strawberries.
2. My skin, when it has a hint of chlorine. It is unique, because I never swim. I always question why.
3. Colognes that do not smell of old people.
4. The candles my Momma puts in our kitchen.

A List of Some Material Desires:
1. Sock monkey mittens
2. Concert tickets (I'm waiting for Bon Iver or Holiday Parade to come around again)
3. Fancy pantyhose (because I've randomly grown more feminine as-of-late)
4. Origami paper

A List of Favorite Traits in Others:
1. Eyes that captivate.
2. Wanting to have adventures.
3. Genuinity that shines from their smile.
4. Having a strong passion for something.

A List of Things I Want to Be/Do in the Future:
1. Go on adventures
2. Build houses (including my dream house)
3. Write often
4. Fall in love

*Never settle for less than your favorites.*

Honey, I'm Home!

Well, I'm back for now. I've traveled to far away places, across the globe and across county lines, all in just this year. I've exceeded every boundary I had set for myself, & I am pretty proud of myself for it.

My last five weeks at my program have been phenomenal, although now that it is over, I feel like I moved away from all my closest friends (although the only place I moved to is "home"). I miss them all so very very very much. I met the most lovely people there, and they all take up a big part of my heart now. They all opened me up to trying new things, and I adore them for it.

Speaking of new things, I've updated my "Summer is Not a Bummer" list- check it out up top if you get a chance. :) But I still haven't seen Harry Potter, and I don't really mind. Seeing that movie marks the end of our (or my, at least) childhood, you know?

P.S. Saturday is my 17th birthday!

Much love,
Mack. :)

Friday, July 15, 2011

 *a lil' poem I wrote while I was here. Inspired by a woman that rowed across the ocean.

Adventures Everywhere

Selling cookies to buy books for school
I traveled over to a small town and met
A woman
Gardening gloves, graying hair
who told me in her parlor
the tales my father had
That the Frontier was not yet dead.

She told me she had traveled the world
on the spare change in her pockets
Tickets and passports lined her walls
Her bookshelves bare, her stories fully-fleshed

 She talked of Mexico and Timbuktu
Paris, Kentucky to Paris, France
Sunsets of Asian mountain peaks
And the Amazon's many plants

But she caught me by surprise when
Her most amazing find
was thirty miles from her little town
A man who didn't believe in reality
or today, really.

The man, sun-baked skin, free-flowing hair,
Never left the confines of his familiar city limits
Yet he traveled the world on
Strong currents of written word

He trusted those words to tell him the truth
Take him to places he couldn't go
On a minimum-wage pay
Worthless money was traded for cherished
Fabulous adventures bound in books
They occupied his car, his tractor, his bed.

He said the world was always a-changing itself
Why skip the show from the front porch?

She met him and he met her
At first they fell into fights
But then she gave up her adventures
For a new adventures spent with him
Opening her irises to something unfamiliar.

They married and watched over
Twenty chubby toes.
The man took much care to restrain their heads
like balloons, from floating into space.
But the mother worked in the dark
To encourage them to dream.

 The man died-
and the kids were far off
when I walked up to the door.
She was planning a big trip, she said,
Yet she wouldn't say to where
And bought all the cookies I had
Her frail hand trembling with the money
but her smile confident and proud.

Then, she told me to be an adventure
Imaginary or not
As she took off her dusty shoes
Carrying the earth on their soles.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Do you ever just lay there at night in the dark? You can't fall asleep, because there is so much going on in the world around you. New sounds, new breaths, new words of wisdom. The night sky and the stars hold so much, and all you have to do to learn from them is to look at them and regard them for their uniqueness. That place is the ravine between this world and the next, dreams and reality.

My program's going really well, by the way. I have a couple of new creative writing pieces (and some awful origami creations) to show for it. I know so many more games, and have so much more experience, and have made so many more friends, all in less than two weeks. I'll write more about it all later, but I'll be back to writing regularly in August.

mack. :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011


I leave in three days. I hoped someone special would remember, but they haven't mentioned it yet. Maybe tomorrow- I'll cross my fingers.

Today was strawberry lemonade.
It was Milky Ways and running away
Not a drop of gray or any foul play
Today was a painting by Monet.

I'm one of those people who whole-heartedly believe that every day, there will always be good and bad things about the day. Getting my ACT score early was the good thing. Getting my haircut was the bad thing.

Remember my story, about getting my hair cut? Apparently those were too high of expectations, and I now look quite androgynous. Or Justin Bieber-esque. I'm not sure which description I prefer. It'll get better, though.

I've found myself reminiscing alot as-of-late. I've taken several very important people in the different parts of my life and traced back every good memory I could think I've shared with them, and pondered every fact about them I could remember. For some reason, it is always boys- it feels weird to think about girls, and boys just always seem so permanent. All of my girl friendships never lasted. Boys don't get angry at you and not talk to you for several months. I'm not sure how people can even like girls- they are all kind of selfish sometimes, but I guess boys probably are sometimes, too. It is so wonderful, though, just to think back on all of the good times- the happiness seems to seep forward, regardless of time. I suggest that you try it some time. I might make a list of some happy thoughts, but later.

*mack. :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

all ideas become one, eventually.

I love the way the ferris wheel shoots streams of neon colors in the background near the end, and that you can hear the song and the waves whilst watching the sun dip into the ocean. There is very little I wouldn't give to be there- even if it were a hallucination, it would be a dream in itself.

But today I stumbled upon the danger of dreaming, once again. People daydream of perfection, of twisting their surroundings into what they want life to be. But once they take off those rose-tinted glasses, they have to return to the real world, a world with some comfort but no perfection. Somebody in a book (Paper Towns, actually) once said that the fun wasn't in doing something, but in planning it, and this is the truest thing I've ever known but not realized. You can imagine perfection- I think that is why I daydream constantly and consistently of happiness- but you cannot live it.

I daydreamed for hours about my future home/cottage today. I've always looked to interior design as an inspiration and a hobby. I know that people say to "Follow your dreams" and "Do what you want to do with your life," but honestly I cannot.  Alas, writing and interior design don't earn enough money- that doesn't utilize your talents, my parents tell me, so they push accounting and engineering pamphlets down my throat. But in my dreams, that is all alright. There are no struggles with money while I am dreaming, so that is where I reside- in my dreams.

Today specifically, I've looked at so many pictures of houses that I can close my eyes and simply imagine walking through "my" house. I have always wanted a greenhouse connected to the house, and every living space to have its own unique style. I don't even care for the outside of the house- as long as it can hold all of my dreams and lovely things, it will do. I think that summarizes how I feel about people, too, but I don't feel like explaining my vague metaphor.

mack. :)

This post is like a week old, but I just haven't come up with anything new. You can't always have a creative, new idea ready to develop.

Monday, June 13, 2011

getting a haircut.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She desired for a change to alter her sad self. So she decided to get a haircut- that's what her momma had always done, and she had always come back with colors in her hair and a wider smile. She handed the stylist a picture of what she wanted her hair to look like, and when the stylist spun the girl around to face the mirror, she looked into her own blue-green eyes and saw a twinkle. Then her eyes quickly twisted upwards to her unruly eyebrows. She sighed and let her eyes wander through her hair. There were so many things that laid in her medium-length hair, many that could not be fixed with styling or highlights. In her hair, she could see all of the things she held onto. She remembered, remembered when a boy told her that she held onto too many things. How could he know that, when she didn't even notice that she was holding onto things? Right there, sitting in that chair, she thought about everything she had held onto.

She held onto her kindergarten crush that dumped her, the one she cried over on the playground afterward. She held onto all of the kids that made fun of her for her speech impediment, the same speech impediment that took her almost four years to get over. It kept her from speaking up, from talking to people. She held onto the boy in fifth grade that she was surely in love with, but her parents forbade her from seeing. She held onto the bully's remarks, a bully that tortured her from eighth grade to sophomore year. It took the girl years to get over her evilness, but once the bully fell from her high horse, the girl felt empowered- as though all of the remarks crumbled, too. She held onto all of the empty crushes that she had terribly hoped would work out, but never did. She even held onto that boy, that boy that seemed so perfect for her, but was interested in someone else.

She felt the scissors snip away, and watched every lock as it floated onto the floor. She had held onto these ugly ideas for years, but that day, she noticed that the ugly ideas she was holding onto were not her "memorable" childhood, but her way of blaming her problems on exterior factors. She was the one making them matter, she was the one making herself feel ugly. She finally let go, closing her eyes and feeling her head as it became lighter.

The girl waltzed out of the salon, her smile shining brighter than ever before. She had always hidden behind bangs, but now she would not be able to. Her hair was very short, and it perfectly framed her beautiful face. But it wasn't about this haircut that was her metamorphosis- it was the happiness from inside of her that now exuded from her face.

her hair looked a little like this.

mack. :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

one day.

(This might make sense, it might not. I hope you enjoy it.)

If I was to tell you a story, why, I'd have it right marked out in my mind how I wanted to tell it. I'd start at the beginning, advance to the middle, and end with the resolution if it was a happy story, or just a conclusion if it was a sad tale. But writing a story, well, that's a whole different story. I'd write the juicy part first, and then I would reach the end, and finally turn around to backtrack to the beginning. But I'll be telling you the story here, not writing it. The only problem was that I had no idea how the story was going to start, at first. Can a person write a good story about nothing? I know people have told good stories about nothing, and they have produced good television series about nothing. People do a lot of things about nothing, and for nothing. It doesn't matter. But I never would have thought a walk after school one day would have been the beginning of my story...

It was the last day of school. The sun was shining, the bluebirds were boasting their beautiful feathers, and hundreds of kids across town were outside for what felt like the first time in months. It was that sense of freedom, that sense of having somewhere to go and an actual life to lead, that reverberated through the halls in the young souls' loud laughs and cries. I walked alone, not because I had no friends, but because all of my friends had already graduated high school a day earlier. I was officially a junior (seeing that I had passed all of my courses), and the observation was odd. It was like having a birthday, but not feeling older. I walked out of school, as a junior, alone.

The main entrance (or exit, at the time) was packed with other individuals traveling in groups, trying to get away from the place they so easily dismissed as being "hell." The doors were flung open as each group proceeded through the door, letting the sticky summer air hang over in the lobby like a fog. The door was slammed in my face- so much for the etiquette classes we were forced to take. As I exited, the air conditioning extinguished immediately, leading to the exhausting heat outside. Henry, my best friend, had told me that he and all of our other mutual friends were going to be at the usual teen hangout, a bakery/smoothie place amiably called The Crisp Mango. It would be the last time I would see Henry for awhile, as he was going to Florida with all of the other seniors immediately the next day. The quickest way to get to The Crisp Mango was going down Baker Street, walking north on Sycamore, and then I would reach it immediately- it was only a five-minute walk away. That seemed too easy, however- I wanted my own adventure. I aimlessly walked south on Sycamore.

There were so many different things about Alexandria that made it unique from any other city around. The smells that came from the rows of bistros were delicious enough to guide my walking. Sycamore Street weaved and twisted itself all the way around town, as did I. I wandered and found myself in a gourmet ice cream shop. Spiked with hunger, I reached into my pocket for a couple of dollars and bought a small ice cream cone, on a flavor called "Birthday Surprise." I normally would never buy anything with the word "surprise" in the title, but the first word was associated with too much delight to pass up. The old man's smile as I bought the cone also relieved my anxieties. I licked the ice cream cone once I walked out the store- yum.

Whilst licking my ice cream cone, I immediately felt like I was fifteen, instead of sixteen- almost like an anti-birthday, where a year was lost to time. I kept walking- I was now in the business sector of town. Adults dressed up in suits and nice dresses ran, coffee cups and suitcases in hand. The womens' heels clicked ominously on the concrete sidewalk. They didn't even bother to notice my existence, too wrapped up in getting somewhere and talking into their own ears on those stupid-looking talking devices. Amidst the banks and office buildings, there was a familiar salon, where Henry's mother worked. I saw her in the window, sweeping around her chair. I waved goodbye as I walked away, and she twinkled her fingers.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket as I meandered down the suburban sprawling streets. The houses looked similar to one another, and the only variations in them were the types of similar houses. There were tall houses that all looked similar, and small houses that looked similar, and even fat and skinny houses that looked similar to other fat and skinny houses. Some were brown, some were white, and some were red. Nothing about the houses physically could change that they were homes, though. I looked at my phone: "One Message from Henry." "Where are you?" it read. But this was something I had to do, all by myself. He wasn't going to be here to be with me when I was bored out of my mind over the summer, writing words aimlessly on paper that probably would never be seen by anyone else. I clicked the phone shut, and wandered on. I noticed, walking by, that a family was moving into a huge million-dollar estate. A for-sale sign was being pulled up in the front yard. A lady in glittery high heels and a provocative black dress was shouting on her cell phone over the lawn mower, and as a design specialist tried to talk with her about some kitchen tiles. The movers drove through the open black-iron gate and started unloading a huge statue of someone, probably the woman with obviously fake-looking breasts. I walked on.

I was almost to The Crisp Mango. The only place I could think to go to next was the park. The park was very large, and sat in the middle of Alexandria. It was basically a pond surrounded by several playgrounds, a picnic area, and encircled by a walking trail. The rubbery walking trail felt warm under my thin flip-flops. The little kids ran back and forth from the playground to the parents to the playground again, comforted again and again by the sight of their protectors, and then forgetful of everything that mattered and played carelessly. The delight shone in their faces and large, bright eyes, brighter than the Sun. What I would give to be a kid again, all of the teenagers and adults always said when they reminisced on old times, when really they were "young times." The kids continued on, as did I.

I reached the picnic area, and no one was there except for an old woman with an equally-old dog. Her hair was peeking out of his flowered cap, and the soles of her boots were thin with the walking she must have done with the dog over the years. She wasn't seeking money, but a passer-by could see that she needed it. She saw me looking at the dog, and called over to me.

"Hello there," she said.

"Hi." I shyly replied, only making a small dent in my straight path to look at her. The dog ran up to me, and I petted it. The dog had no ticks, and his fur seemed clean. The only things that looked old were his eyes- a dull grey color that seemed to tell hundreds of stories. The energy the dog had about it was still youthful. The old woman slowly rose from her seat on the bench and walked over, facing only the dog. I could tell that that dog, no matter how old it was, was her biggest concern in life.

"You know, a dog can tell if a person is nice or not," she started. I smiled. "Yessiree, this dog right here has been with me for the long haul."

"What's his name?" I wondered aloud (I could tell now that it was a male).

"Roger." She said, reaching down to pet him. "My husband named him. Roger was a wedding gift, and we took him everywhere. We even took him on our honeymoon..."

"That's very sweet."

"Yep. Of the three of us, we are the only two left now. But that's okay. It'll be the three of us reunited, soon enough. It's very important to have adventures, but it's equally as important who you have them with." She smiled. The dog urged to walk home, so we parted ways. I walked out of the park, and just a block away was The Crisp Mango. I walked across the street oh-so-carefully, and walked into The Crisp Mango. The air inside was warm but tolerable, especially compared to the tormenting heat outside. My friends were seated around the table in the back corner, next to a small bookcase.

"Where were you?" Henry asked from the counter where he was buying cookies, beckoning me to come over. He hugged me, and whispered in my ear. "I have a surprise for you."

I followed his lead back to the table. As I was sitting down, they laid a cake down, set with sixteen candles. I giggled as everyone came out and started singing. I looked at Henry and replied.

"Oh, I had just one day to be fifteen."

That's what I said- fifteen. But I also felt five and fifty, all at the same time. Age is just a number, and life is just a short amount of time. You have one day to live your life until you hit another number, and then more come and then you're suddenly in the ground you'd always walked on over. Nothing will matter then, but some things are nothing now.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

(I can't find one picture to recognize as summer- I guess it's just a feeling after all..)

I've developed an unhealthy addiction to summer and everything is does to me. The sunshine just creeps through my veins, lingering in my heart and in my brain. I'm lazier than my usual school self, but it feels right. It's just a weird, mellow feeling. Like I was listening to music earlier, and suddenly I made my own daydreams out of the music. I never really connected the two arts, of visual and auditory, together- try it sometime- it's surreal.

I've hung with my best friend practically ever single day this week. I'm so happy for that- sometimes he can totally crush my esteem, but this week all I felt was better about myself. The people that can crush you, but don't, are the people you should try your hardest to keep in your life. :) He left today for his summer program. I'm not sad because I know our summers will be good ones, even though they will be mostly separate.

I started reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the other day, before school let out. I'd forgotten how "fun" reading is when you do it simply for enjoyment, instead of as a source of archetypes and varying sentence structures. I think I might just hit up a Borders sometime before I leave for my program. I'm also gonna (hopefully) buy Catcher in the Rye and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and re-read both of them. Any suggestions for books for me to take (preferably about teenage shenanigans, adventures, and self-discovery)?

I'm not sure that I put leisure reading in my summer post. I also want to make my own dreamcatcher. :D And tie-dye a shirt. And put some crazy color (pink/purple?) temporarily in my hair, probably around my birthday.

the summer lives on in me and my desires,
fueled by the sunshine and moonlit bonfires.

mack. :D

Friday, June 3, 2011

how to have an invincible, dangerous, lovely summer


Summer: a period consisting of no school, a 5-week summer program, my birthday, and maybe some relevations and good times along the way.

Bumbumbumm. My long summer list. If you read my list last year, most goals are the same, but I added some more, too.

There are already some things I am being forced to do, like:

[] Finish my summer work- I'll hopefully do this before the last week before school. I have soo much.

[] Studying for academic team- My coach wants me to get in the top twenty or so in the state. In TWO subjects! That will take a lot of work.

[] Volunteer doing different things- Thanks, Mom, for signing me up to do things with strangers.

[] Go to my 5-week summer program

BUT, there are some things I have set on my mind to do this summer, like:

[] Go to a concert- I really want to go to Warped this year! Or maybe just another band that I enjoy. Probably with Dirk again, or maybe someone with the same musical taste.

[] Go on a run/jog every once in awhile- I can do this is at my program (if I have time). I'm hoping maybe, because they have a couple of tracks of campus, I could meet someone who would "run" with me.

[] Spend a whole day reminiscing- It never fails to cheer me up, or teach me something new about myself.

[] Make a new friend OR, help a friendship blossom- The summer program is made to meet new people that you become friends with for the rest of our lives. My teacher got married to one of her GSP buds- my friend, a year later, still gets teary-eyed about how amazing her experience was. I refuse to be shy and unconfident at this program, because if I am I will probably not enjoy those 5 weeks at all.

[] Send my best friend a card- We will both be in different cities at diffferent programs for 5 whole weeks. My own form of contact with my family and friends is through the very little time I can use my cell phone. I always will have the trusty United States Postal Service.

[] Leave special messages in books- I actually have accidently done that before, but these will be on purpose. Also being on a college campus, where most people are pretty chill and interesting, will probably provide a breeding ground for this new movement.

[] Try a new food/type of food I'd normally never attempt- I probably will end up trying Asian food and/or Starbucks. Most people look at me funny when I say that I've never tried either one. Sorry, I am not your regular trendy teenager.

[] Get a new hairstyle I actually can do- And like. I've been considering cutting it radically short.

[] Write a story I actually like- And that story will probably be my story I started in 9th grade, got 20 pages finished, and then never could finish from a lack of inspiration.

[] Have a birthday party this year- This has been on my mind for a really long time. I have always wanted to party like Marie Antoinette. With this goal, includes playing a huge game of hide-and-go-seek and camping out under the stars AND walking up on my secret hill.

[] Dance down a busy street- I am sure that at my program, there will be people just as crazy as I am.

[] Take more pictures than I ever have before

[] Go on an adventure- Imaginary or not.

[] Have a full-blown epiphany

[] See some good movies- HARRY POTTER. And possibly The Hangover (both of them).

[] Bake something- With or without setting anything on fire. Possibly Tie-Dye cupcakes.

[] Draw up my future plans for my future house/cottage :]

[] Fall in love...- With my lovely self. Mwhaha. I don't need a man to be happy.

[] Write about my goals and adventures as much as possible

[] Be happy :D
Summer will NOT be a bummer. What are YOU doing?

it's been one long year...

I never wrote for my blog's first birthday. It was always looming in the back of my mind, to get it over with, but I always thought it was only a small while ago. It was actually about a month ago (my first post is dated as being 8 may, 2010). Whoops! Happy Birthday (Mackenzie's blog that is always changing its name)! (:

It feels like I've been blogging forever- maybe it's just because blogging/writing feels like a part of my daily routine now. I've been through alot this year- a bunch of relevations, a millions experiences, and some very good friends. Junior year has been very rough, but I've watched my enemies and my obstacles crumble (mwhaha) in favor of a brighter and happier future for me.

Today is also the beginning of a new period in my life- the first day of summer. Summer- how I've missed you. My summer11 to-do list is an upcoming post, so look forward to it. :)

This band is now history, but listen to it anyway.

MACK. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

quite sad.

I've had to hold back tears several times just today.

Tomorrow is my last day of junior year, but that has nothing to do with why I am sad. In fact, looking back on this year, besides the beautiful friendships that have flourished, nothing particularly special has happened. Next year, will be harder, but I think I will enjoy it more (although socially I will cease to exist). I will study AP European History, AP Calculus (which will be quite difficult), AP Literature & Composition (not looking forward to it, for reasons I'd rather not explain), 2 College Classes, Fashion & Interior Design (:D), Physics, and one other class. Once again, the tears start forming under my eyes...

I am signed up for AP French IV, but I am so afraid of my future in that class. My favorite (French) teacher is leaving, and I don't know how to handle that. Generally, as students, we run back and forth from teacher to teacher, class to class, with our favorites in mind each year, and after that specific year we forget about them and move on. I have had HB (that's what all of her students call her) for 3 years now. She is the person that really made me succeed and enjoy French as a language and as a culture. She has given me the confidence about the French language that I never even had with the English language, as well as the experiences that go with learning a way of life that isn't similar to our own.

I'm trying to decide whether or not anything can be done, being that our last day is tomorrow and that apparently they have already hired her replacement, but it still doesn't feel right to just sit here. I am sure her replacement will be fine and "qualified," hopefully, but they better be a pretty amazing teacher to even begin to replace her in spirit.

Sorry. Sad rant over. I shall take a walk now.

Mack. :/

Friday, May 27, 2011



This week, my self-esteem has been in the front seat of a rollercoaster, sitting right next to my confidence. It is actually pretty interesting- I read this advice-thing the other day, and it all just sort of hit me at once. Liking the guy I didn't know was never gonna work out because I was doing all the chasing and he was just basking in all the attention. Worrying over everything is silly. Most of all, I can't just sit there feeling bad for everything.

Being a teenager is a lot like driving through a city at night. All you can see are all the pretty, bright lights gleaming through the dark sky. You don't even have the courage to really, really look at yourself, too busy trying to outshine the lights. If you do, you feel inferior, stuck in the dark with no light of your own. What we don't know as teenagers is that the lights are fake and inhuman, and in order to truly glow, all we have to do is turn on the light.

Saying this, I'm trying to turn on my own light (metaphorically). With those thoughts above in mind, I picked up the pieces, and saw the need to fix my broken self. It's for the better, really. If I want to thrive survive in this world, I have to change some things about myself, mostly just my self-opinion (because I am my own worst enemy, and believe me, I am a nasty kid to be up against).
One of those things is my physical appearance, but I'm changing to what I like, and hopefully it will make me happier and more confident, in the least. It will just be my eyebrows and hair- nothing like plastic surgery- I'm not THAT self-conscious, so I guess I could be worse off. I'll probably start eating healthy foods and running again, just so I fall in love with my body again (as odd as that sounds haha). And NO, I will not develop an eating disorder of any shape or form because I love (junk) food and hate throwing up too much to attempt to compromise either one.
On another note, what I wear is evolving (I guess as I should have expected). Two years ago you couldn't catch me dead in a skirt (well, maybe you could, because they always dress up people at their funerals), and now I wear one at least once a week. It's interesting, how much your tastes change.
I have been extremely shy since middle school, but I am starting to talk more. I'm talking to people I didn't know now- I must have talked to this kid for 5-10 minutes today, just talking about next year and a mole that looked like a guinea pig that we now named Captain Oliver O'Malley.
Hopefully this summer will bring about this huge change. I know, I've said this every year and every summer, but under the circumstances of how much I'll be on my own this summer, I'm determined things will change soon. And what will I come back to school as? Everything I want to see in myself.
Oh, did I mention I made it into my summer program? :D Well, I did. I am going to the prettiest college (a personal opinion among many of the alumni). I am also going to be "studying" (meaning doing fun stuff concerning) Creative Writing & Literary Studies. So I will also be undergoing a possible writing metamorphosis over the summer (for the more interesting). The disadvantage of the program is that I can't get on the computer very often (nor will I have a lot of time to update). SO, from late June to all of July or so I will be only occasionally updating. Sowwy. :/
I'm doing all of these changes while still preserving my bizarreness that you all and my friends have grown to know and love.
Oh! And school's ending and summer is beginning soon (next Thursday haha), so I have to start making my AMAZING SUMMER LIST. Be looking forward to that!
the future looks bright and cheery,
mack. :D
PS if you are a kid struggling with yourself, too, you need to read the advice thing above (the link's there too) and just let go. Let go of the things that are weighing you down. Forget the bullies' taunts, the voice in your head, and the boys (or girls) that you so desparately want to have/imitate. When you do that, and really look at yourself, you'll notice a light is shining, too, and it's pouring straight from your heart.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I have temporarily lost all motivation. I only have a couple of things of homework to do tonight, anyway. It just doesn't feel important any longer. 6 more days, and it'll all be over.

P.S. You don't miss me, darling. You miss the attention I used to give you every time you walked my way. Now you're feeling lost, and I'm feeling all right again. I'm not sure if it's the summertime feeling, or being surrounded by good and beautiful things and friends, but I can finally focus on being happy. It's nice to know, for what feels like the first time in a long time, that it is possible to get over these false teenage infactuations and just be real.

That's all I have to say, for now. Have a nice, hopefully-sunny day.

mack. :D

Monday, May 23, 2011

Plain as can be, plain as me.

Open up my heart, darling
Before I fall apart, starling
Refreshment in a desert hallucination
Refreshment for my pallid imagination

All that can exist here
Summed up in a single tear
In this desert hallucination
Falls down from the dark cloud's top
Drop after lonely drop
Here in my pallid imagination

Dust sprinkled across the seams
All the old and older dreams
Refresh, refresh my being.

title: surreal appeal

Storyteller, weave your tale from thin, sweet air.
Whistling through your teeth,
the wind carries your words
miles and miles lapped up
Farther and father from its place
Past the familiar horizon into the unknown
when you only attempt to reach
the nearest of open hearts.
Hear the tune the old winds sing
of stories told long ago
Scattered through lonely space.
Met with vibrations of excitement,
New hope, new light, new tunes.
Slowly after so long,
those words return, through your lips,
bid adieu to the open air,
And approach a heart from which they sprung
Not originally, but a soft spot was saved for them.
Convicted to sensations
no longer bare to humiliation
Not on the lonely road, but home in another.

title: magic wind

I made these up today (sorry the last one doesn't rhyme). I'm not really sure why I feel in such a sensational mood today. I read the lines below on (which I highly suggest you digest) last night, and was just stunned and stimulated by how they made me feel. Reading it is so much different than hearing it, true, but seeing it with those charged emotions each word brings to the others calls for a lovely, lovely poem. Owl City is not just a musician with a possible imsomniatic disorder (or I guess it isn't a disorder, because it supposedly improves his talent), but a poet, and a human being with a very open heart and open emotions.

"Weighed down by heavy lids and lunar lullabies, I knew you were wide awake because you smile with your eyes."

"This particular sad farewell left a hole in my chest and a bittersweet taste in my mouth, as saying goodbye has a way of doing. It tasted like past romance, a bouquet of indelible memories laced with lost love and confused emotions, the flowery passion and affection of two starry-eyed dreamers, tangled up in the ribbons of a faded fairy tale."

mack.  :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

*go easy on me.

Darling, darling, I am so afraid,
terrified to face my fears.
What will become of us?
Is a "maybe" worth the tears?

They all said no,
they all said run,
they all said be safe.
I didn't stray.

I wrote on my hand
the words "have no fear."
flirting with my own demise,
those words no longer dear.

My courage fell flat

Be bold, be bold, I say,
I must, I must, it's the only way
to find something worth it all
in this hard and scary haul.

(true story.) I'm trying out poetry, but it's a long process I want to hopefully excel in someday. I'm working on it.
This scares me to death, because if it's any true, I'm always in your dreams, but you're never in mine. :/

Sunday, May 15, 2011

eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.

From Kay's blog.

I can't hold it in any longer. It feels like it's about to pour forth from my frame, out into the open air. Vulnerable to stares and knives and even heartbreak. I have to try, even if it fails miserably, even if it threatens me that if I do, everything I ever kept to myself will be lost to destiny. I will be walking on a tightrope with no safety nets, only to what seems like the pressure of death or a hopefully happy ending.

Tomorrow- tomorrow, I've decided. Tomorrow will be the day it all unfolds.

What have I got to lose?
"If you had access to a time machine, where and when would be the first place you travel to?"

Well, magical question generator, you seem to have read my mind on choosing today to just dream and reminisce. I'm not sure which one would be first, but I definitely would...

Attend the first Beatles concert in America
Run along the beachside out west, sometime in the latter half of the twentieth century
Crash my own wedding
Gossip at the Salem Witch Trials
Dance with the Iroquois
Party with Marie Antoinette
Relive the sweetest night I ever had (sometime in 5th grade haha)
Meet my grandparents when they were young, and visit New Harmony, Indiana
Attend an original showing of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet
Spy on Thoreau while he was at Walden Pond
Ride through the open west with the cowboys

What would YOU do?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

things have taken a turn for the weird.

I think, in the zombie-like manner I was in last night, I stereotyped a majority of the population of teenagers as punks with pink hair and tattoos that fight for fun, curse until the words have no meaning, and throw glitter everywhere. That thought, of course, occurred at a very tired time of one o'clock in the morning.

Last night was my junior prom. It was on Friday the 13th, and nonetheless the night had its (bad) moments, but I quickly noted that worrying about them would get me nowhere, so I went on with my night and had a fantastic time (which was good because I'd never been able to do that before). :)

The only regret I have regarding that night was that although I received so many compliments on my hair and my dress, I never could gather up the courage to ask him to dance. The "Treasure the Night" slogan printed on our prom t-shirts never was so ironic.

Summer is on the horizon, and it winks its comforting sky-blue eyes at me in a haughty manner, just to tease me and just about every other teenager on the planet (not all, but most). The happiness will come, believe in that. :)

I know one could argue that this has to be the worst "prom" photo of mine, but I'm too self-conscious to put too many more.

I'll put this one, though. :)
 song in my head: i wanna hold your hand by the beatles,
mack. (:

Friday, April 29, 2011

change of name, change of game.

watch the sunset drip off her fingers
onto the cold wet dew beneath
her flowing free fancy feet
she can now begin to breathe
finally the night lingers
the time of her content.

watch her through the trees
she sits on the old ground silent
watching the sun fall over the
home she knows.

she knows the sun falls down
only to let the moon rise up
there's always light of
new time, dim or bright.


I'm sick & sniffly today, but today was a good day to end a bittersweet week. My successes have oddly sparked more successes, while my stress from present events has skyrocketed into a new atmosphere. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately, but I will soon. Laying in my bed now seems a whole new experience, as my mind races to new thoughts and happiness in the darkness and solitude of my own mind. Sorry if none of this makes sense.

Some happy things on my mind today:
pink limonade with ice
wood smoke, rising from a bonfire
dancing in a circle
hearing the quiet sound of an acoustic guitar through the thick evening air
hugs & holding hands
plaid shirts
the sun setting and hitting you straight in the eyes
not being able to see another house out your front door
driving by, seeing old people sleeping in chairs on their front porches
that one chord my friend played on the piano tonight
the double rainbow that everyone else saw yesterday (except for me)
serenity now, or something new
knowing that other people, no matter how close, will always have mysteries about them

won't stop- one republic.


Monday, April 25, 2011


I actually am okay. It is alright, even if I totally have to numb myself from all emotions to get over it. I really wish I could thank everyone for how they've helped me through this. Honestly, thank you, even though half of the people I would thank won't read this (because I'm not into friends following my blog, because they put an imaginary pressuring damper on my writing), but the portion of you on here, you are great, great people.

A couple of years ago, I couldn't deal with myself in this situation, and when I did, it was months later before I could feel better about myself. Now, I am rising out of the ashes, a phoenix of a new philosophy. I'm moody and indifferent, but at least my self-esteem is not obliterated- no, I may be deemed more selfish, but it's for my own happiness.

*Sigh.* The show must go on.

I'm finally getting to the good part of The Scarlet Letter, where you can visibly see the feminist struggle that Hawthorne emphasizes. It might seem extremely boring in the beginning with all of the fluff, yet it strikes a chord through its true underlying message. Very empowering. :)

"If she be all tenderness, she will die. If she survive, the tenderness will either be crushed out of her, or—and the outward semblance is the same—crushed so deeply into her heart that it can never show itself more." Nathaniel Hawthorne, how you've read my mind.

Seasons- Chase Coy


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Are You There, God? It's Me, MacKenzie.

I've been curled up in a ball now- crying on my bed- for like an hour now, and just regained my dignity to walk down the stairs and type this post. It's 10:37 as I type this very sentence, and I don't see any sign of falling asleep anytime soon, unless I pass out from some uncalled-for reason (besides exhaustion, which seems favorable at the moment).

Today was yet another academic team competition (our last one of the year). The tournament itself was a normal one, but something made it different from all the others (the crying was different, too, but the reason why I was crying was what made it different).

Why, you may ask? I made it through most of the day just fine. Worried, yes, but that's my routine. It came in the end, when I least expected it. I was tortured, for two hours straight. I sat and watched and watched as I slowly became nothing in the eyes of someone I respect, as their eyes drifted to another girl, leaving me stranded in the eyes of none with nowhere to go, trapped to witness the figurative band-aid being ripped off of me. He stomped on my heart, then stabbed it, then dropped it on the highway we were driving on for everyone else to see and run over, too.

Oh, and did I mention I get to see this kid every day at school, in half of my classes? Probably not.

So, if there is a God up there (like I truly do believe there is), please allow me the strength to get over this heartwrenching affair.

I have a couple other things to add too, as I'm truly struggling to be okay with this before I see him on Monday. I'm considering changing the blog name, just because with school I've noticed my "wild"ness is rapidly evaporating. "dans la lune" (daydreaming) or "running in between clouds"- I can't decide.

"I know God feels my pain with the way the skys rain"- Sorry it's quoted directly off of Facebook (the court jester of grammar), but it is very rainy here, and applies quite drastically.

This is only a fraction of us. No, he's not in here, so don't ask.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I Shall Teach You a Lesson Instead of Writing a Sweet Nonsensical Poem

wandering aimlessly through the forest

Sorry, that thought was brought to you by the time before my thoughts were interrupted by a phone call from my best friend last night. That went fine, by the way. What was worse was what came later- the text.

It was supposed to be an innocent, nice little chain message. Just one of those pass it along texts, usually from people you don't care about that you send along, hoping for the special situation to happen. My 13 year-old cousin sent me one saying "send this to 10 pretty girls and the guy of your dreams will tell you he likes you." It also added, as a warning, that if not done, "karma will pay! :O"

Let's just say I didn't do it, and the karma did pay. In the exact way that karma could take its toll.

So, concerning chain messages, they can be quite true. I didn't believe it, until now. Hahahaha- oh the irony, even though my heart is slowly breaking. I give you permission to laugh at my expense.

Seasons- Chase Coy
(check it out on iTunes- no video yet, I think.)


Saturday, April 16, 2011

little scurrying thoughts

it's a hard time, to see your youth slipping through your fingers, like sand in the hourglass.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

a quick update

The best feeling to an exasperated student: knowing your hard work and stress does get you somewhere. And believe me, you'll like that somewhere. :D

I decided today that yesterday was an unofficial opposite day. A freshman with the most beautiful mane of hair had it up in a ponytail (a gross one, at that). Another guy kept on staring at me (even though usually it's the other way around). I actually did exceedingly well at academic team practice (the two best people weren't there, but still, please don't criticize my glory).

Today was glorious (even though all of these blaring projects and tests and papers I have to do that are constantly crushing me into nothing). I found out some good/bad news. Good news: I got accepted into a prestigious 5-week summer program (I get the details late May). :D Bad news: I am supposedly not allowed to use the internet while I am there (I really am going to look into that though haha). :/

And for this short conversation, it was an AMAZING day:

"Hey, well we have the lit[erature] player on our team." Kid #1
"Dammit." Kid #2
"I'm sure you'd rather have [literally like the top humanities & language arts player in our region]." Me
"No, I'd rather have you." Kid #1

Oh, it was so cheesy & awkward, but I almost died.

ahhhh. ♥ :DD

Monday, April 11, 2011

Manic Mondays (My Confession)

I'm half-heartedly trying to get back into the hang of things. Unsuccessfully, of course, but it's still an attempt, nonetheless. Me, myself, & I are quite the buddies of mine, on this rainy day I spend at home.

I was sitting on the bus on the way home, watching my subdivision pass through the outside of the foggy window. All I could think about was my thoughts, my thoughts that conquered my entire day. I sat there, embarrassed, chewing on my sleeves, trying to forget about it all. People call me shy all the time, but my thoughts are the things that haunt my voice. I'm completely afraid that they burst out of my mouth, and into the ears of everyone else, for all to experience and hear. If every thought is heard, why even speak? I think I just really know what words mean. A feeling of nervousness and hotness spreads over my face when I even dare think of something less-than-widely-accepted- a self-pressure, almost. I don't say anything dumb, but feel dumb for not saying anything. It's a gift & a curse all at the same time.

Am I ashamed of my thoughts? A bit. Am I insane? Probably. I'll win over it one day.

Joe Brooks- I Find the Light in You

Mondays are the worst. They put them at the beginning of the week, so everyone can get over the bad days and end the week on a happy note.

Hopeful (like I should be),

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

- Roald Dahl, but via a lovely person

The most life-changing experience of my life, in both good and bad ways.

I found out that people aren't always what they seem- we're all selfish in nature, but this was seen at a disgusting, ugly extreme. Seeing it in someone else, it taught me alot.

I also found out that I deserve respect, too, and shouldn't settle for anything less than that.

I wrote in a journal while I was there, but I'll probably do those posts and thoughts and pictures separately.

For now, I'm here to stay. :)


(P.S. No song this post, because all I've been listening to for weeks is "What Ever Happened" by The Strokes.)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I am alive [sort of].

I apologise for my in-and-out appearances, as of late. A LOT has happened since I have been out "officially"- so about since mid-February- but even now, I'm rushed for time. Today, being the awful-but-awesome day it was, I have resorted to escape inside of this little computer screen. The highlight of my month has probably been the weekend of march 12ish.

It was finally my time to shine- academic team state. I got 14th in the LA assessment, which I call a huge success. :) It was in a different city this year, but it was nonetheless probably the best one so far. The best(worst?) part of it all was the gossip. Me, being the slightly-teenish teenager I am (I do care when it comes to people), I was totally intrigued by the fact that one of my friends is totally convinced that another one of my friends is utterly head-over-heels in love with me. Funny, right? And oh mon Dieu, how crazy it has made me lately, because I have classes every day with this kid. I'd never seen it before, but on and off for days I have seen these little signs- just little things that no one else would ever notice- that are gleaming in the back of my mind. I don't know what is happening to me, it's so emotionally frustrating. He could have almost any other girl, really. But me? No- just no. And he's almost my best friend, so it's in that almost probable end-up-together way.

ERG. Moving on.

Besides being emotionally confused and on the point of mentally breaking down, school has been my livelihood. It'd make my first grade teacher proud, at least.

I am leaving for France in two days. THURSDAY!

It's my escape from all this craziness [mostly concerning school, but I'm not going to bore you any more than I am with it haha]. I'm going to take tons of pictures while I'm in France, though, I'm sure, but I shall be gone for 11 more days.

I shall hopefully return a happier person,
Mack. :)

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I can't tell you how long I have been a brain. A living, breathing, beating brain, analytical of life and its cold, hard daily processes. So long it has been, that I forgot what it meant to be a soul. A soul that is a half of a destiny shared between two people. A soul with a heart that beats for the warmth and easiness of life in its simplest of forms.

The saddest part of it all is that they are opposites that do not attract, so I can't be both. The people that are a brain and a soul- I call that luck.

I've been studying my butt off for everything the last couple of days, and it all feels very detached. Even on Valentine's Day, I had to study for a big test and didn't have enough time to make my friends their cards, which is very sad, because I put a lot of preparation and thought into each one of them. :( Next year, I guess.

Anyway, because I still have some to study for but it's decreasing in size, I'm starting to recognize, hey, I have a heart, and it's kind of important to me, and people don't recognize it as being there. I'm just a big brain to people, trapped in a tight body of nerdiness that I can't escape.

How do I escape this shyness, this brainy-ness, in the eyes of others? I don't know. I wish someone would tell me the secrets of life that I can't quite seem to solve, the problems that aren't quite as simple as precalculus.

I started liking this guy (that I will probably never talk to haha) that reminds me of stars and visiting orchards in autumn. He's tall and lean, wears plaid shirts and tight jeans, and has a smile that it simply would melt ice, it is so adorable. He is so adorable. Not that anything will ever happen, but he's a nice thought in a dark time.

Hopefully my heart wins me something some day soon. Until then, me and my brain are gonna do some more homework and earn me some more A's and money for college (which I guess as a student is successful but very lonely for a person).

I have listened to this song for four days and have had it for many more but the lyrics are so meaningful so listen NOW,
Kenzie. :)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Missed Me?

I'm terribly sorry for not updating in, what, forever, and not being a good reader for a bit longer than that, but I've been working really hard on my schoolwork so I can not feel like a failure all the time. My life has been revolving as of late around academic team (Regionals are this upcoming Saturday), the ACT (which I already have a really good score on but my parents want higher so I can get competitive scholarships and sh*t like that), AP (college-level) English & American History (which I have piles of homework for every week), and trying to fit sleep and happiness and being healthy in there somewhere, although they have all been suffering for maybe three weeks now.

I'm going to be (hopefully) making my Valentines tomorrow, but I have to create 12, and I'm a perfectionist but not an artist, so that will be quite a long process. I might take the "lazy" way out (and make some of them the same), but only because I have to finish them all by tomorrow. :/ I only want to take so long because I don't think these people realize what they mean to me, because I'm really bad with expressing to people how I feel (as I've noticed today, like how I'm not my best friend's "best friend"- it sucks, believe me). But I am really truly going to try and not mess these friendships up, as one already feels lost.

I will try to update every once in awhile, and kind of keep up with the blogs under my radar, but blogging is a form of procrastination, my Mom says, and I don't have enough time to even procrastinate any longer. February is always the busiest ugliest cruellest month for me, but I'll just keep my head up, and you too, and it'll all be fine.

I hope you all aren't feeling buried this February,

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Don't Mean to Go All 'Thoreau and Emerson' on You, But...

Sorry I haven't been posting/reading/anything on here- doing piles of school stuff. Every day, for about weeks. PILES. Anyways, here's what I've been working on [personal essay for English class- can you tell I've been reading tons of Thoreau?]. I'm too tired to edit it, so whatever seems messed up, it's like that on purpose. :P

Have you ever been in the middle of nowhere- as in no people, and no sidewalks, and no pollution- not fenced in in some way? Me neither. As people in the twenty-first century, we wake up fully immersed in technology and its man-made siblings. Walking is an activity people did when they didn't have automobiles; cell phones and computers long ago overthrew the patient kingdom of mail; and the only places we can really experience nature and its beauty are fenced-in parks and lands possessed by the Earth but "owned" by the deed-holder.

People scarcely ponder their existences as being entirely imitative of nature, but it's true. This idea is all somewhat already implanted into the majority of peoples' minds- at some point or another, we've all probably heard the cliche sayings like "there are other fish in the sea" and "every cloud has a silver lining", or even "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place." Nay, this idea didn't appear from the lyrics of my favorite music video or anything of the like- I acknowledged this philosophy the only way anyone can expose facts about life- by listening for what life wanted to show them.

One natural thing life imitates is a plant. Once upon a time, I was a fearless and adventurous elementary-schooler who would venture to the end of my imagination and back just in time for dinner. The outdoors were my home, the trees were my shelter from the rain, my naked feet danced over the grass. I spent every day in the summers of my youth exploring outside, or jumping on my trampoline. I was especially fond of going in the woods that surrounded patches of land, untouched by the houses and the roads of my curvy subdivision. But this place soon withered, as my prime discovery came to be. My best friend, Dirk, and I would always walk the streets of our subdivision, and one day noticed that there was more beyond the "No Trespassing" sign. We didn't go because we felt the felt the desire to rebel- we went because there was something beyond that sign that we hadn't seen before, and my soul was screaming for me to go and see just what that thing was. We walked past where the sidewalk ended, and up a hill closer to heaven than I'd ever been. Rocks were moved and dirt was excavated into mounds, and there were discarded items (a busted mattress, a broken vaccuum), but besides that there was no evidence of people being there.

Dirk and I went up there many of times in the summers of the past, and it's a strong memory that still lingers in the back of my mind. I haven't been up there in years because Dirk and I both have been separated somewhat through the past several summers, and since the last time I have been, I've changed entirely. Although that was my first real experience with nature, now that I stopped going, I now wear shoes always outside, my imagination is compacted into next to nothing, and my spirit has withered into a cold unbrave thing that is only artificially connected to even these words as I type them. I grew up surrounded by this technology, and the roots under my feet that once connected me to the ground withered without the nurturing of being connected to each other, like a plant faced with the cold harshness of winter, or the painful heat of drought. We all must continue to nurture life (or, in my case, a way of life) in order for it to grow and continue.

Another beautiful natural entity that life imitates is the sea. I noticed these similarities was at a Christmas party I attended my junior of high school. It was hosted by my coach, who had been the coach since before I was born. The teenagers went downstairs, diverting their attention to the ping-pong table. After some time had passed, the carnivorous teenagers began going upstairs in pursuit of food. I silently followed, hungry myself. I found myself in a sea of people, most of which I had never seen before in my life. My curiousity spiked when I saw all the older people not of my time crowded in the large rooms. As I navigated through the crowds, I felt sad, because our existences mean next to nothing to each other. I felt as though I missed out on an individual's total life, and could only comply with in and see those people and not even remember at the next party those glimpses of their life I did witness.

It was only afterwards that I took the time to really consider how that total five minutes really reflected life. Like the sea, in life, people all are in different currents, swimming in circles that may cross or may not. We can "go with the flow" of people, but still being in the sea is full of struggles for survival, for a sight above water, for a breath of air- like fighting with life gives us the reward of success. And, after all, we all end up "swimming with the fishes."

Another entity life imitates is a rock, especially in the term of not moving. My high school career up to junior year had been very smooth, but with the addition of college classes and volunteer hours and ACT scores and all of the stress and extracirriculars from the year before, this year has been rocky from the beginning. But I don't fret if something comes up and it all seems too much- even though we hear it in science class, inertia exists concerning life, too. It doesn't feel natural for people to go from calm to busy instantaneously. As we face problems or change, all we wish to do is run away from them- run to the only place, idea, or arms- that will shield us from having to deal with it all. But if we can last through the hard times, like a rock facing erosion, we reach a whole other point in our life that will be better, which to me will be senior year, or if that isn't better, the next year, or the year after that.

If you take one thing from this essay, please take it that to lay your life in front of you and analyze it. Are you feeling stressed, or are you strong, like a rock? Are you going with the flow, or are you fighting to be individual, like a current in the sea? And, most importantly, are you neglecting your life, or are you nurturing it, like a plant? Text your friend "Lol" about that.