Sunday, February 20, 2011


I can't tell you how long I have been a brain. A living, breathing, beating brain, analytical of life and its cold, hard daily processes. So long it has been, that I forgot what it meant to be a soul. A soul that is a half of a destiny shared between two people. A soul with a heart that beats for the warmth and easiness of life in its simplest of forms.

The saddest part of it all is that they are opposites that do not attract, so I can't be both. The people that are a brain and a soul- I call that luck.

I've been studying my butt off for everything the last couple of days, and it all feels very detached. Even on Valentine's Day, I had to study for a big test and didn't have enough time to make my friends their cards, which is very sad, because I put a lot of preparation and thought into each one of them. :( Next year, I guess.

Anyway, because I still have some to study for but it's decreasing in size, I'm starting to recognize, hey, I have a heart, and it's kind of important to me, and people don't recognize it as being there. I'm just a big brain to people, trapped in a tight body of nerdiness that I can't escape.

How do I escape this shyness, this brainy-ness, in the eyes of others? I don't know. I wish someone would tell me the secrets of life that I can't quite seem to solve, the problems that aren't quite as simple as precalculus.

I started liking this guy (that I will probably never talk to haha) that reminds me of stars and visiting orchards in autumn. He's tall and lean, wears plaid shirts and tight jeans, and has a smile that it simply would melt ice, it is so adorable. He is so adorable. Not that anything will ever happen, but he's a nice thought in a dark time.

Hopefully my heart wins me something some day soon. Until then, me and my brain are gonna do some more homework and earn me some more A's and money for college (which I guess as a student is successful but very lonely for a person).

I have listened to this song for four days and have had it for many more but the lyrics are so meaningful so listen NOW,
Kenzie. :)


That Blond Guy said...

Glad to see you posting again!

When people refer to themselves or others as a "brain," I always think of Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of really good hard work into doing well in school, which I think is good--just make sure you don't worry about it too much. School is just school. And college is just college.

Oh my God this is eerie! I was listening to "Skinny Love" about two hours ago on my iPod. I love that song.

Jillian said...

Oh Mack.
I have gone through long periods of just wanting to feel something more than what my brain had to offer.
Your thoughts don't make you feel alive really.

I can really relate now. I just wish people could see past nerdy facades into what people are really like.

The boy sounds beautiful.
Sometimes people can be saviors without saying a hello. Sometimes the idea of how awesome a person is is simply enough.

Be strong.

Kay said...

"...that reminds me of stars and visiting orchards in autumn"

That right there is such a beautiful comparison.

And I know sometimes it can be tough, but if you give yourself time, I can really see you showing people who you truly are... which is a soul with a brain, rather than a brain with a soul. (Not to mention a really awesome person in general.)

That Blond Guy said...

How comes you hasn't been posting?