Sunday, October 31, 2010

Saturday, October 30, 2010

What Made My Week

I'm sincerely in love with writing lists, and being quite detailed with everything, so this is a way to express that love of everything this week.

A club meeting.
Making a hilarious video about recycling that is to be shut in a tomb forever.
A tornado warning.
A bomb threat [this actually kind of sucked, but I got out of PreCalculus, and anything that gets me out of that class is fine with me].
Volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House [definitely could see volunteering a lot there in my future].
Entire several hours of just French speaking, and English subtitles.
Compliments from some VERY unlikely people.
Somebody being more outgoing than me and talking to me.
A few quite-cute guys [not that I talked to them or anything, just seeing them made my week].
A haunted house where I wasn't very scary [at least I didn't make anyone cry].
Finding three [or really four] Waldos in real-life.
BigCityDreams by NeverShoutNever. :]
Waking up at twelve in the afternoon.
Some freaking humongous cupcakes on the counter right now.
[Haven't tried one yet, but the anticipation building up inside of me is amazing.]
TWO story ideas [I'M WORKING ON 'EM, PEOPLE].
A Halloween party tonight.
Celebrating Halloween tomorrow.
[Really, having an excuse to wear my wolf hat for three days straight.]
Every blogger & follower in the world [even the ones I don't know... yet] :D

That was quite a long list, and I could add more, but I think I'll leave it at that. We had a Halloween contest at our school, and the winners were the different characters of Clue. Oh man, they were fantastic.

I'm kind of frightened- my best friend is bringing his girlfriend home today. Truthfully, I'd be more relieved if they didn't try to come and see me than if they did [because I'm quite an awkward person around people I don't know], but I'd also be quite upset if they didn't try, too [because he's my best friend and all and should at least try on those kinds of things]. Oh, and I'm not showered, so that would be something to do. I'm just a nervous person all-around today, but also happy.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Lions, Tigers, & Bears- OH MY!

This actually has nothing to do with this post, I'm just still obsessed with The Catcher in the Rye and all.

Well, this week has been interesting so far, and it's only Wednesday! Yesterday, there was a tornado drill [which was really just a storm with 65mileperhour gusts of wind], and today, there was a bomb threat, which kept us from lunch for an hour [and our class is already one of the last classes to eat, so that was not cool]. People are taking bets on what tomorrow will hold for us. A volcano? A black hole? An earthquake? Even just a normal day? [Friday sure as heck won't be, since it's Halloween-costume day] Really, it's all very exciting, because there aren't a lot of days where one day has something that is humongously different from the last.

I'm working on a [short] story/memoir, just for kicks and all. The whole idea is a good one [or in my opinion, worthy enough to write about], but the story is kind of bland in subject matter. Woo, wooden roses and a yard sale. I'm trying to spice it up, but how I struggle on wording things "perfectly" seems to be my downfall. It kills me. Really, it does. Overall, there's a lot of struggles right now [I hope you don't have too many though], but I'm learning from each of mine.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I whisper my thank-you's. Is that peculiar? I am painfully shy, but maybe it's that they're really meant to be whispered, like secrets between true friends.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Phony People

"That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking somebody'll write 'Fuck you' right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say 'Holden Caulfield' on it, and then what year I died, and then right under that it'll say 'Fuck you.' I'm positive, in fact."

I finally finished The Catcher in the Rye today. It was fantastic, but it didn't exactly have a "happy" ending. Then again, most books I've read lately haven't had one, either. Once again, a big shoutout to Kay for suggesting it to me, and I shall pass that responsibility on to you. :D

Today has been extremely enlightening, especially for a Monday. Mondays & I have never had a good history together. But I have been talking to my pen-pal quite a bit today. I'm not going to lie, he is seriously one of the cutest boys in the universe. It kills me, whenever he messes up his English [but not so much when I seriously can not understand what he is saying. :/] :D

We were having a discussion in English class about our generation, as the age of the Info-Glut. She pointed out that most people just read things [specifically referring to the Internet] to get a point of them, and that was all. A majority of people don't really read to just read, in this darn age. It's sad really, especially because I don't specifically write tailoring to those people. If all of you fantastic bloggers were to, then where would all these great ideas turn up at [a lot of them probably go unread/unthought normally, though, by a general public, despite "followers." That's why I'm thankful for all of my followers- I know they are fantastic people, and have true souls.]?

Oh, but right. Phony people. In the book, Holden refers to hating school because he's surrounded by all these phony people, that don't act true to themselves, or are really shallow in a sense. Today, I felt exactly like that. There's only really two people in our school that don't seem phony, and one is one of the sweetest boys in the school [not that I like him or anything, he just is], while the other is one of my best friends who unless she's hiding a heck of a lot from everyone, she's real, too.

But no, I'm severely disappointed with just one person, specifically. I never really noticed how much of a problem he has. I never thought it was a major problem, until today. Goodness. I just wanted to jump over the desk and put him in place. I swear, there's nothing that bugs me more than a person who thinks they know more than everyone else, and are willing to argue for it. Sure, I'm a smart kid. I get good grades. But, unlike some other people, I don't try to push that in other peoples' faces. I don't know everything in the world. It feels like right now, a lot of the stuff I know is truly the stuff that doesn't matter [a big chunk of it, not all of it]. Sure, there's a bunch of stuff I'd love to know by the end of my life, but I'm not going to brag about just because I know it before someone else does. That marks an immature soul, I think.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Just wanted to tell you that. ;D

"They can put me in prison but they can't stop my face from breakin' out." Adam Young [Owl City]. He seems like the type of person that would come up with his songs under the stars, in the light of ten-thousand fireflies [quite literally]. Or the type that you can talk to under the stars, and nothing's a secret. Everything means more or is better, under the stars. I hope he's really that way, at least. That would make me extremely sad, if he ever turned into a poser [I extremely doubt he will be, though].

I'm not sure where to start, with this past week. I've been busy: there we go. I've had so much to do, but I kept pushing it back until the end.

I'm really happy, if he is [my best friend, that is]. :] We talked for four hours on the phone yesterday. Mostly, we talked about his girlfriend, but it was so sweet. It's sweet how he's so in love [even if it isn't with someone I know]. It makes me smile madly. A lot of things make me smile madly, but this is one of those smiles you just can't help but talk about [which is why I'm blogging about it].

Is it weird, that I'm one of those people that don't get bugged by other peoples' relationships? It's usually always so sweet to hear, even all the corny things that make most people gag. I don't know- corny things are my favorite. I'm a sucker for corny things. The only part that bugs me about other peoples' relationships is that they make me wish I had one. [I did, at one point, but I don't count it anymore. After a while, they just don't count.]


Wednesday, October 20, 2010


"I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."
-Alice Walker

Okay, so as you may already know, today was PurpleDay. [The-day-you-wear-purple-for-awareness just didn't cut it as a name.] It was for a group of some LesGayBiTrans teenagers that have quite recently committed suicide. It's extremely sad, to know that ignorance has gone that far to where people can't stand to live any longer. Yet it's also really mind-blowing, to know that this movement had spreaded quite its ways across the world today, reaching places on the other side of the globe with the message of equality and understanding. Even if it still seems dark, I feel like we're fixing the world, one day at a time.

I, personally, feel like the right to choose who you love is a natural right, no matter who it may be. I'm straight, but I've been called bisexual before, just because I think all people are beautiful. And they are. I just wish everyone else felt that way. Things would be a lot easier that way.

I wish everyone could/would just wear purple everyday. Or I wish I would have worn more purple today.

I really suggest that you honor them through memory, and just read at their stories, or look at their Facebook pages. It's sad, but it gives me hope.

Macky <3<3
Things seem much different now than they did weeks ago, let alone days ago.

  This Screaming Inner [Artistic] Me: I guess there's just this part of me that's screaming at me to let them have their go at my life, doing whatever they want- creative, artistic, amateur, anything. They haven't been out too much, and it probably gets pretty stuffy in there, inside of my brain and heart and all.

   =Reading: Finally reading The Catcher in the Rye, Shoutout to Kay for it. :D The swearing is slightly distracting, but it reads like it's coming straight like thoughts. I forgot how much I missed the quotes/life lessons, and getting "high" off of the adventures the characters went on.

  +Writing: I haven't come up with one imaginative thing to write about yet [creatively], but I can feel it oozing slowly out of the deepest part of my brain.

  +Art: I have never been a very good, well, anything, artistically.  Seriously, I can't draw a tree, let alone a landscape; nor can I play a semi-big instrument, because my hands are too small. I don't know, I have just always wanted to use find those abilities, and practice makes perfect [or better], right?

Letthatsidelooseeveryonceandawhile :]

Monday, October 18, 2010



I'm tired of being sad, and embarrassed, and stressed. I want to be happy now, no matter who's watching.

Eventually, I want to find someone here to lay under the stars with me and just talk about the world, like we used to when you were here, before you left. We used to talk about anything and everything- nothing was a secret. Except what we would say really would be secrets, just sometimes we'd whisper them, and other times we'd scream them out for all to hear. It didn't matter, either way; the only things around to hear us were each other, and the stars. Just the memories we had make me smile, and our memories were the sweetest things. But when you say you're sad, it's hard to go on with a happy mindset, knowing that you aren't happier
there, and it feels like you left for no reason. But just remember, I hope for you every day, that you're feeling better. Even if I have to make my life just a little bit harder to go out of my way to make you happy, I'll do it.

I'm eager for the future. I'm eager to do things to help the community, to start my life, to find out my test scores from my big test. But no, I'm too busy living in now.

Just be hopeful, that's all I can say.

Smilehappylooksgoodonyou :D

Sunday, October 17, 2010


Oh, I forgot to mention that yesterday was the day of the Homecoming Dance. But no, I didn't go. As sentimental and sweet as those pre-dance pictures seem, it didn't feel like I missed very much at all, besides paying sixty-dollars for a dress that I will probably only wear once, and watching people disgustingly grind up on each other for four hours, give or take.
Yesterday, actually, I spent my day at an academic team competition, reading, and blogging [OF COURSE BLOGGING WAS IN THERE YOU SILLY PEOPLE].

Yet, yesterday, while I was home on that fateful night, I wanted nothing else but to put my fancy dress on and go outside in my backyard and dance in the moonlight under the stars. But, you know, I didn't- just imagining it was refreshing enough.

If you have not read Paper Towns, I strongly suggest it. God, it was profound, and relating to it was a breeze. Similes were enlightening, just, wow, a good book. Half of the book's pages are folded, just for me to find the quotes later.

"Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not."

I'm determined to change myself a bit, and try to put some faith in myself a little bit more. Gosh, I used to go on adventures all the time, even if they were just imaginary. I used to go through canyons and fight komodo dragons, and jump over creeks/land into them, and explore land untouched by shoes. I don't know what age this all changed, but I don't anymore- I've fallen victim to a normal boring routine. I've let that little voice that says "no" ruin my life.

I want that sense of adventure back, I'm determined to find it this year, somewhere, somehow. I'm determined to be more of me again, because being me is my favorite thing about me. So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you do want to change yourself, do it in a way that you want for yourself.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Brains & Beauty? :D [Plus Little Sleep...]

I'm gonna find this book. :]

"But it was more than that. You can't divorce Margo the person from Margo the body. You can't see one without seeing the other. You looked at Margo's eyes and saw both their blueness and their Margo-ness. In the end, you could not say that Margo Roth Spiegelman was fat, or that she was skinny, any more than you could say that the Eiffel Tower is or is not lonely. Margo's beauty was a kind of sealed vessel of perfection- uncracked and uncrackable."

I feel like this for all people. :] One drive down to an academic team competition last year, it was me in the car with several of my teammates [and one of theirs' entertaining mother]. It was decided we would do "shallow-games," where we would just do silly things and learn more about each other. Most of them games were innocent and cute- one being the Question Game, which just involved taking turns asking and answering questions like you would do when interviewing random people in French class to review something you just learned. Some were personal, while some were very general.

But one game was what I'd like to call the "Ranking Game." Everyone has probably heard of the ranking of 1-10 of attractiveness [10 the highest, 1 the lowest]. We were going to go through the entire academic team, ranking people. I, personally, refused to take an active role in this game, because I felt like I couldn't judge a person wholly by looks- their personality was what really made them beautiful or not.

There were typical rankings of people. The geekiest [and meanest] team members were low numbers, and the rest were ranked high, I guess. Every girl was ranked an eight or higher, mostly because it was all girls except for one in the car.

They ranked the people in the car lastly, and when it was my turn, I was downright afraid- petrified- embarrassed. I basically wanted to crawl into a hole. They gave me an eight, too. I was happy with it, but I feel they only picked it out of me being there [yet when they said the other girl in the car was a "ten," that was not my favorite blow to my self-esteem] But I will never forget what the mother told me though: she told me that I would be prettier if I was more outgoing. At first, I started to shrug it off. I'm shy as a person. She said "Like when you were playing frisbee outside- you  were outgoing, you were really pretty then. You just shined out there." When she said that, I almost started crying, in the darkness of the wee morning hours. Every time I think of her saying that, it makes my day. That, and every time we play frisbee, I play [and because they say I'm pretty good at it, especially for being tied for the shortest kid on the team]. :]

Anyways, the second part is real, but the first quote is from the book I'm reading now, called Paper Towns by John Green. I've been waiting months to get this book, and now I own it; what a pleasant surprise. :D It's really good so far, and has tons of cool new ideas ready for me to think about. So, I guess I'm going to be quoting it for awhile.

To tell you the truth, I'm an average American teenager [at least in statistics], who gets rocking grades at school for regurgitating information from textbooks but doesn't read for fun anymore. But all you have to do is curl up with a good story, some comfy clothes, all in a quiet, beautiful, place, and you're set for a little slice of heaven on Earth.

I haven't read for fun in a long while, so I'm deciding to catch up on that little dorky fifth-grader inside of me. Do you have any book recommendations pour moi [please keep in mind that I am American, so I may possibly not be able to find  the newest Slovakian best-seller]?

*I'm sorry, I don't feel like working my little anectdote any more right now. Maybe I'll improve it later, tomorrow, after I get some sleep. Waking up at five-thirty on Saturday isn't cool [I didn't write about anything that happened today, besides getting my book, because it's of little importance of my life, and it was kind of depressing].

Friday, October 15, 2010

Need a Solution to Boredom [Tag-Time]?

Whoa, I totally forgot about this [I'm really sorry]!

Thank you to Christopher [ one of my favorite bloggers on the scene- he writes at The Chin Scratcher ], for saving me from boredom I was starting to have, if not for this tag. In this tag, I have to answer eight of his questions, then make eight of my own, and finally tag whoever I want [which actually means to me that EVERYONE THAT FOLLOWS ME IS TAGGED.] Everyone is welcome to try it out, or they don't have to. You know- do whatever you want. Okay? Okay, cool. :]


1) Favorite John Hughes movie?
Okay, I knew him from the National Lampoon movies, but I had no idea he did the Home Alone series, too. I worshipped Home Alone as a kid- me and my brother and sister seriously devised a plan to use, if burglars broke into our house. Let me just say it included boxes full of toy cars, pillows, paint, and lightbulbs.

2) Most shameful celebrity crush?
Hahaha- I'm not actually ashamed of liking anyone, really. I could answer something lame, like Ralph Macchio [the REAL Karate Kid], or Kevin Bacon [from Footloose], even though both were not from my time, and pretty old by the time I saw them. I'm not ashamed of liking anybody- even the troll kid off of Halloweentown, or Ned from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.

3) Quick! If you were directing your first music video for a slow, tragic alternative-rock song, what would the basic plot and setting be?
A city of some sort, when it's rainy, under a bus stop [?]. The main singer would walk along and see his "love" everywhere on the TV screens [as being kidnapped/dead], and it'd just be a dreary little ditty.

4) What's your dream place to live?
As of right now: New Harmony, Indiana. Or somewhere up in New England.
By spring break of this year: probably France. :D

5) If you were stuck on a desert island with nothing but your friend and an Introduction to Calculus textbook, how long would you wait before you ate your friend?
I wouldn't eat them until they were the last thing eatable on the island. I'd try to fish, but I have a pretty unlucky past with fishing poles, so that might be kind of soon.

6) If you could meet anyone from history, from religious icon to child star from 80's sitcom, who would it be and why?
Adam Young [Owl City] or Jason Mraz. They just seem really down-to-earth, and sound like they'd have some really amazing conversations.

7) What invention do you wish you were credited with?
Electronic fireflies that "fly" around a room like the real deal, not that they exist yet. But they will. Oh trust me, they will.

8) Now I'll have to go with a classic one: if you could have any superpower except super-strength and X-ray vision, which would it be and why?
I'd choose invisibility. There'd be so much more I would do in life if I could turn invisible to do it. ;]

Oh, so now I have my eight questions. For anyone and everyone. You follow, you do it [but please don't unfollow me because you don't want to!]. :P

1. What is your favorite [oddly-named] shade of a color? [Don't you dare give me "purple"; Look up Crayola on Wikipedia, and pick out a shade- like my favorite is Alien Armpit Green] :D
2. What defines you?
3. Have you ever done the "Fruit Salad" dance? Or seen Out of the Box?
4. What's your current favorite song [so I can love it, too]?
5. How's life going for you right now [because yes, I do care]?
6. What's something unique about your childhood?
7. Do you smile a lot [You should :D]?
8. What's your favorite quote &/or picture?

5 Secrets "En Français"

1. Quand j'etais jeune, et il faisais pleut, je chantais et dansais dans la rue comme personne ne vu pas. :]

2. J'adore les yeux. Deux garçons- quatre yeux. Ils sont bleus comme la mer. Mais ils ne saivent pas que je les aime...

3. Mes mots favoris français est "grenouille" et "pamplemousse" :D

4. Le photo au sommet de la page? c'est à moi. ;]

5. Je pense que filles sont belle, mais j'aime seulement les garçons.

I'll stop there, because I just don't have too many more "secrets" I can say entirely in French [even though I had to look up some words]. :P

Anyways, I found these on Smosh, and started cracking up on all of them. Family costumes? Really?

Matching luggage, apparently.

Grass? I'd be the kid on the left. Goodness. 

This one was my favorite by far. Anyone remember Babar? ;D
Ihopethismadeyousmile :]

I've Never Really Had a "Hater"... This'll Be a New Experience For Me. :]

It's kind of pointless to be angry at strangers, because you don't know who they are. You don't know what kind of battles they're going through, and maybe their battles with other things just overshadow yours' [although being angry because strangers are running their mouths is a whole different thing].

So, it's kind of impossible for me to be angry with the person who didn't like any of my suggestions on the poll for a new name, including A Wallflower's Words [despite that, I was kind of upset, so I deleted the poll. I guess it's closed]. I'm not angry, I'd just like to know what I'm "doing wrong." Think of it as constructive criticism. So, whoever you are, just tell me what you think, and I'd love to take it into consideration the next time I pick a name.

I've also noticed before that anything about anonymous comments [coughcoughformspringcoughcough], people don't use it as nicely as they could. Anonymity brings out the worst in people, but they really don't understand that it can be used in a positive way. Knowing someone, somewhere, thinks something good about you is just refreshing, and the mystery of who [or who all] feel that way is exciting. It just feels better.

I don't know, I guess I'm one of those losers that actually uses anonymity to make people feel better about themselves.

At the same time, it kind of reminded me all over again that I don't write specifically to please any one person [although praise has a pretty good feel to it :D]. You've gotta deal with the good, the bad, and the worse, when you do/write something.

I'm considering changing my title, still, to The Cloud-Wanderer sometime soon. If you've never heard of the poem "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud," by William Wordsworth, it's a masterpiece. Here you go:

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
and twinkle on the Milky Way
They stretched in never-ending line
along the margin of the bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
in such a jocund company:
I gazed- and gazed- but little thought
what wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

[There's several versions of it, but this one is the "original"- the others only have some cosmetic changes.] :D

I don't know- it just has potential. :D This change of title will probably be enacted soon, sometime after I can get my dumb computer to copy and paste. If you don't like it, either tell me in a reasonable, mature way [I guess putting that answer on there was stupid on my part, even though I meant it sarcastically..], or don't follow me. It's simple as that.


Thursday, October 14, 2010


We've got our heads above the clouds I hope and pray we never drop. :D

*I adore this song with every fiber of my being.

Have you ever wondered how many crushes go unsaid?

I really don't have anything else to say about that, beside that it's a cool, kind of sad, kind of happy, idea. :]

A person told me the other day that he used to have a crush on me, and it definitely caught me by surprise. I'm not one to think very highly of myself all of the time, in the eyes of high-school guys [I call my condition confident-challenged], so it was quite a pleasant surprise to hear. :]

I can only talk for myself that basically all of my crushes go unsaid, so just imagine everyone else's combined, in a classroom, in a hallway, in a cafeteria. It's like a whole room of hearts, each with their own passions and desires; their dreams and fates; their many heartbreaks; but the same fatty-foods glued onto the insides of their arteries- all contained.

So, I guess my lesson to you not confident-challenged people is to not keep your feelings bottled inside, and to let them free, like balloons in the sky. Feel something for once that you'd never felt before. Get through the day, because, someone, somewhere, probably really likes you [I know I do]. :]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

*Vote on the poll, please! :D

I like to laugh at silly things. I really would love to get to know the people that come up with these hilarious pictures that honestly leave me in hysterics [or, like one of my close friends, snorting]. :]

I have a final question I leave you with tonight.
Do you ever wonder if you know an angel, or am I the only one?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It's not typical, how things work in life. Sure, for the most part, today is just tomorrow, happening today. But today can be different, if you want it to be. Today can be a glorious day, or a disappointing day, if you want it to be. Today was glorious for me, in contrast to my days lately [only because I wore my wolf-hat today, kind of inspired by 'Where the Wild Things Are']. I can also hope that tomorrow is better, or even just half as good. Half as good would be just fine exceptional with me.

By the way, I'm still adjusting things, so don't expect anything to be permanent yet. Just a rough draft. :D
Why are we all made so fragile?

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Near [Hopefully Happier] Future of This Blog

This is so frustrating. I really have SO much to say [and a new idea! although it's equally depressing, it's also interesting], but no one to say it to, and no time to say everything on my mind all at once. This excludes all of my faithful followers, of course- thank you so much for being here, and providing me with beautiful things to read and fill my own mind with. I seriously don't know how to thank you all, besides hopefully adding beautiful things into your own minds.

Also, I've kind of been neglecting on comments lately. It's just when I don't have the time, and there's a certain idea I just have to get out, that idea overpowers everything, and it all just kind of gets pushed back. I adore you all, really.

A bunch of my posts for a while will probably be mobile posts, from the comfort of my school bus seat, because I apparently get some of my best ideas there, and for a couple of days I really need to focus on this test. I'm going to go back to creative writing, too, so expect some more exciting, beautiful things, instead of dark and dreary, like things have felt lately [unless you all like this kind of angry mood]. :]

Also, you might want to expect a possible blog-name/design rehaul, since being a wallflower and basically alone is getting kind of tiring and, well, lonely. I'm coming along with a pretty interesting thought about it, but I'm not sure, so I guess I'll "test-ride" it for you all sometime soon, or do a poll of some sort. ;]

Macky :]

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Fight For Whatcha Got, or Lose All That It's Not

No one ever taught me how to fight for what I cared about, and no one's ever had to fight for me, so now staring at the sky won't give me answers, and it feels like I've already lost the battle before it's begun, and it's all just spinning out of control. I don't wanna lose what I've got, but I don't know how to fight without anything but a broken heart and a couple of loose words that don't mean a thing anymore. Love, those little letters together, don't mean a thing anymore. It's all chaos, it's all out of reach, it's all futile, and I'm sick and tired of living this way. I don't care if it kills me to go out of my way, I will win this one. I won't lose you. Because if I lose you, I lose a part of myself that I don't know will ever be replaced.

Coming Back to Chaos [Good Luck With Life]

As you may have been able to tell from the last, oh, week, from my very "Facebook status-esque" blog posts, I've been out-of-state. Out of state, out of body, out of thought, really.

I enjoy visiting my family and going back to Illinois, aka my HOME state. In fact, sometimes, I truly wish I could move back. Back to my grandparents' cute little town; back to the town squares and gorgeous cottages and tons of farmland and trees; Back to hometown feel. And even though I wouldn't know anyone within two hours of that place besides my grandparents and my aunt, I'm confident that I would still feel like I belong.

Illinois trips are also the only place where it feels like I can clear my head, dust myself off, and get ready to face chaos back in Kentucky, again. I like feeling at home somewhere. Overall, it was really refreshing.

And what do I come back to?


No, actually, a literal slap in the face would have been prefered.

I'm still going to continue to keep my head up, and try to sort out my life a little bit more, but it just seems so hard lately.

Macky :]

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Happy Corn Day! :D

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

When our hearts are heavy burdens, we shouldn't have to bear alone.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I got my 1st sillybands today. They're Toy-Story styled, but I'm only wearing the aliens 'cause I'm obsessed with those little green monsters. Life is good. :D
"We have 3 purposes in life: to pay taxes, to die, & to live until we die." - My Grandma :]

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Call Me a Wimp- I Don't Care

Scary movies suck. What really makes them scary is how easy they make killing someone taking a human life look. That, and waiting on the edge of my seat, feeling like I'm about to pee my pants at any moment, is not my favorite use of two hours. I could be, oh, watching Nickelodeon. Or doing homework. Yeah. They aren't my favorites. I guess I'm the type of girl that likes a good book, or a good wholesome adventure [full of laughs], instead of something that makes me have to stay up late at night and feel like a crazy person. To go along with that, I'm also not the type of girl that likes all those sappy "young romance" movies- yeah, a couple, but for the most part no. I'm just me, movie-wise, I guess.

Macky ;D
Story of my life.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

oh, and here's your knife. i finally pulled it out of my back.

Don't ever, EVER, compare me to anyone else. EVER. Especially to the person that keeps on stabbing me in the back, over and over again. All I wanted was the best for you- that's why I didn't put up a fight when you dumped me. It hurt, but I did it any way. She used you- just like everyone else. I saw it. I heard it. And she threw you away, like a wrapper, once she was done with you. But still, you insisted we were similar. That's why we don't talk anymore. That's why even though I miss your friendship, you're not worth my time, trying to change your mind of that stupid little idea that infiltrated itself into your brain somehow. Someday, things may be different. I doubt it, but I can hope.


Sorry for writing so negatively lately. I'm hoping to let it all out now, so I can be peaceful over my break & when I get back. :]


Apparently, I was not very well-informed. I am leaving tomorrow, instead of today.

Macky :[

Friday, October 1, 2010

Shine Like a Star

A little tidbit about me: I have Orion's Belt [?], in freckles, twice on my arms. Three/two dots in a row, with four dots squaring it. I call it "my constellation", just because I see it a lot, and I've deemed it somehow related to myself. Some higher being thought that there must be some fate in it, and I keep on trying to figure out if that has some symbolic resemblance, but can not find anything to support that.

Tonight was the first time I had seen the stars shine so bright in a long time. Usually, the clouds cover them up like a dark grey blanket, but tonight they are shining almost as bright as your eyes. ;]

To tell you the truth, I think about the stars a lot less than I should. True beauty is the light that gleams from inside of us, and shines when we do. When I heard "You're all stars" from my elementary-school teachers, I always thought it meant we were famous. Fantastic. Good at whatever we were doing. That was it; I never took the time to think about any deeper meaning.

I wish more people thought of beauty like that- not just a shallow preference of the eye, but a shining light. If some do, I'd really, really like to meet them. And even though we all judge people on some level by outer beauty, remember there's something beautiful that everyone has: a soul. Maybe I'm actually pretty- maybe I'm plain, outer-beauty-wise; and even though I have an awful self-esteem [currently, my light is running inefficiently, like usual] and won't know this until I improve it, I'll always know I have a prettier soul than a lot of other people.

Don't trust a mirror- all they'll tell you are ice cold lies.

Macky :]


I'm tired, so sorry for your wasting your time. Actually, scratch that. I'm not sorry, really. People shouldn't apologize for saying what they think, EVER [except for when it's something extremely rude, in which case "no offense" or "sorry" work as relieving statements]. My mind's working a mile a minute, just spitting out quite some gibberish. Maybe some one else can figure out my brain's methods to this? Maybe you can work me out before I can?

We're watching this movie on Mozart in VPA. So far, I'm just like WOW. What a buttface, really. Every musician worships this guy, really? [Actually, he isn't that bad, but it got me thinking about how we idolize people who don't deserve to be... I believe we've had this conversation before.] It confuses me, how talent goes to people sometimes. Sometimes, they completely misuse it, and part goes to waste. Why, though? Why on Earth would this be? Another mystery to humanity, I guess.
Taking only possibilities and turning them into pure beauty is a fascinating thing, though. Consider all the things to post about, all of the millions of words waiting patiently to be used. No limitations, all free. Just astounding. I think that's maybe why I love "nobody" singers- because I know they made it all themselves, created something out of nothing. They seem more in-touch with themselves.

On another note, sea cucumbers "breathe" through their butts. But seriously, who is so bored [or obsessed] with sea cucumbers that they're going to freaking watch them and see how they breathe?

Everything feels surreal right now. They're screaming downstairs at the TV, while everyone else is out and enjoying the night. I'm stuck inside, alone in this room, feeling totally out of place. Where do I belong? I'm not sure, at all.

Lately, loneliness has grown on me. I've been searching for some satisfaction, but now can't find anything. It's hollow. I'm really hoping that since this is fall break, I'll feel more complete by the end. Hopefully, I'll come back with something fantastic to blog about. :]

I wrote you a poem
I wrote you a song
But it didn't work out
Now the words are all wrong
We danced in the moonlight
And under the stars
But look in my eyes
Forget where you are
You have some beauty
You have some skill
It comes with nature
Oh what a thrill
But it's wasted away
And our feelings combust
The sound of hearts breaking
As our souls turned to dust.