Sunday, April 21, 2013

what do I honestly want out of this summer?

Go to Coney Island occasionally.
Spend a rainy day watching old movies.
Write a story.
Get my full driver's license.
Make RC floats/s'mores often.
Learn how to make Ryan's sweet tea.
Throw a party (birthday or no-occassion).
Buy a pet fish and name him something like Magellan.
Collect more earrings and ankle bracelets and bracelets.
Join a bible study for the summer.
Read a few books (Redeeming Love is one).
Get Ryan to buy me flowers.
Get Ryan to make me a list himself.
Make art.
Read in the library with friends.
Get a bunch of balloons!
Take more (funny/artistic/random) pictures.
Go to the Mexican restaurant in town.
Visit in Illinois, and stop by New Harmony.
Pet a bunny.
Pray, and often.
Go outside and experience the beauty God has put in the world.
Get over my fear (a little bit) of singing in front of other people.
Quit worrying so much.
Make an elaborate and yummy meal one morning/evening.
Get a hairstyle I like (and get the color out).

Once again, it's flexible, it's lovable, and it's mine.


Thursday, April 18, 2013

mushy gushy heart stuff

Today is National Boyfriend Day. Thus, I have decided to write you all a little post, in his honor, of the fifteen things I love most about my boyfriend. I had to count them, but we have been together for almost fifteen months now, although we have also been acquaintances/friends for almost eight years, and that is some beautiful stuff.

If you all do not remember, my boyfriend's name is Ryan. This is the same boy that I have had an on-and-off crush on since, umm, two years and some months ago- I believe that fits the time frame. I used to blog about him (and some other boys) throughout my entire high school career. So, to all you girls crushing on that one boy: my story says it can work out, with patience but also when knowing the time is right. Anyways, the protagonist of this list is the boy that did that kind deed of giving money to a man at a Cracker Barrel. I wrote about the whole incident here. And actually me going back and reading that post just made me tear up a bit about how this whole miracle (I cannot call it anything less) unfolded.

So, here it goes.

1. His humor and love brightens not only my life, but everyone's lives around him. He is just like this radiator of warmth and happiness, and I cannot stop myself from being around him as much as possible.
2. I love love LOVE his beard, with its appropriate thickness and brilliant specks of gold and red in it. And his sparkling blue eyes. And his big strong arms. I know this is a very shallow point, but I had to make known those physical attributes at least once.
3. Like the sheep in the Bible's verse, he once wandered from God for a while. But it was amazing- I like to think he wandered from the flock to come and get me, lost, and bring us both closer to Him. He took a chance on me, and although it was not good in the beginning, it is becoming what is good. And that is a kind of gift that I can never express enough gratitude for.
4. I love when he sings in the car, and when he tears up a little bit every single time he sings Amazing Grace. He makes me feel comfortable enough to sing around him, even though I do not do it too often.
5. He always, always, always has hope.
6. It is so fun, how we can go from making out to hanging out in seconds flat. I mean, we are definitely trying to cut down on the making out and do more of the just hanging out (and we do not really have arguments too much at all), but it is all on a way towards good, balanced love.
7. When he messes up, he really tries very hard to make it up. It is so cute.
8. Probably how well he gets along with my dog. My dog loves him- like Bacon gets excited and wants to play as soon as he comes through the door. It is so precious.
9. Ryan calls me Button, and I just think that that is the cutest nickname ever. :D
10. He takes me on adventures, and we make some beautiful moments together (a lot of which I have written about here, or are just plainly stamped into the most commonly-used synapses of my brain).
11. His family loves me! I know this is kind of a weird one, but although his family is often loud and much more different than my family, they are so loving and give me the same love.
12. He gives heavenly massages that I miss quite often when I am away.
13. He shares his bacon with me. That is the most romantic thing haha. ;)
14. He has never in our relationship made a promise to me that he did not follow through on (okay, maybe one).
15. He loves me. Like so much. In an awkward, but painfully beautiful kind of way. And this equally awkward and painfully beautiful girl is perfectly content with that for her life. And I would not (nor advise anyone else) to settle for anything less than that.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

it's a love story

I do not like those people that say that without God, they are nothing. That is really inaccurate, seeing as there are many people on this Earth who live without believing or caring about God, and some in the most remote of areas live without ever even hearing of God. Saying that they are nothing says that their lives are meaningless, are value-less, are nothing, and I just feel that that is offensive and not true.

I think it would be much easier to say that with God, I am something beyond what I could have ever hoped. With God, I can accomplish many things (but because I love him so much, they should glorify Him, rather than myself), and He gives me strength to do these things. I find more purpose, more meaning to my small life walking in Jesus' footsteps, than I could have possibly found before. It's feeling full in life, it's a calling- a hope- that I can actually chase and never be let down because my shortcomings are not important, but just that I keep chasing and that what I am chasing is so important. It is a hope and joy that seems to pour into my thoughts and my writing, as it is below.


For a very long time, I thought no one could love me. My heart yearned for love, but it seemed to be guarded by the "evil stepmother" of my bushy eyebrows, my fat chin, and my shapeless hair. Within the jungle of my body sat a heart that ached in the depth of loneliness. I looked through every nook and cranny of every place I went (and I even went to different countries), but found nothing even close to what I was looking for. I thought I found love in the form of a nice boy who was green and red at the same time, but only found myself carrying his same burden on my own shoulders, dealing with it on my own late in the hours of the night, every night.

But then, I finally let Him in. We have been seeing each other, "talking," you know, for a little under a year now, and I have found that a relationship with Him is the most beautiful, perfect kind of love I could hope to find anywhere. And no, it was never on Earth- I just never even considered to look up. I still find myself falling more and more in love with Him and what He has done and continues to do in my life and in the lives of others.

P.S. I feel like more people are beginning to fall in love with me. I feel new friendships forming, old ones becoming refreshed, and a happiness and hope that cannot be matched. But I just wish I could tell them all that when they are falling in love with me, they are falling in love with what God is doing in my life and in my heart. Times are a-changing, and I am choosing to follow the clouds and the sky with all my heart. I just hope that my trials, experiences, and successes can glorify Him and allow people to open up their hearts with a crack just big enough for God to squeeze in.

Monday, April 15, 2013

letter to an old friend

Last night, while I was trying to settle down the frantic musings in my mind, I was skating through an anonymous secret app, and I thought I saw a secret from you. It was from our university, and with our same situation. I stayed up until 1 o'clock in the morning, shaking and sending messages with this girl who shared the same hopes for healing a broken friendship, hoping to everything I believe in that it was you on the other screen. (I have not told anyone else this, either. It just felt too much like a dream.)

Her name was Lauren, too, and that was pretty incredible. But it wasn't the girl I used to watch Pretty Little Liars with and go shopping with and dance crazily with and dream up ideas with. And that hurt worse than anything.

I have no idea if you read these anymore, but I do miss you. At the point we last talked, I honestly was very lost. I did not know how to love you correctly or, honestly, anybody else in my life. I was just realizing that the way that I was living was wrong, and I felt like one of those people that wake up one day and feel like they have to restart their entire lives because they have little pieces of who they are, but cannot seem to form a concrete idea of their identity when they look in the mirror. A lot has changed- I am still learning, but things are much more clear to me now. I am learning to love justly and understand people more fully.

This sounds really strange to put in an apology letter, but I also wanted to thank you. Thank you for not tolerating me when I started becoming selfish, becoming bitchy, becoming angry. The truth of what happened is, the aloofness of our friendship I think pushed me in the right direction, towards getting better (that doesn't mean I stopped missing you, though- I believe I just needed to grow up before I could finally come to terms with it).

I may have not been too up-front about all this before, but it is mostly for fear of you not wanting the same things, or not missing my friendship in return. So, if you ever want to make not like Taylor Swift and get back together, please know that I am always on that side.


Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Right before I fall asleep, I think of different dates
to go on in the different states
of the country, hoping to find love
between the very enforced-borders of
our cloudy states of mind.


A couple of things I really miss right now include the sweet timbre my boyfriend gets when he sings Amazing Grace and he tears up a bit. I miss the walk I took alone, very slowly, through the fields the above the D-Day beaches of Normandy. I miss that Parisian strawberry juice from a Chinese restaurant that was the greatest drink to ever grace my lips. I miss Canadian winters and those little kids playing a bizarre version of foosball. I like to think of myself as traveled and cultured, and yes I know the universal Truth, but not of the whole universe.
Can I tell you a secret? Once upon a time (less than a year ago, seriously), I was just like you. I was broken, I was hurting, I was burdened, and I was lost. And exactly when I felt like I had lost and was losing everything that was happy, that was satisfying, that the world wanted me to have- that is when I found Jesus. It was cool, because it was like a meeting I felt too late to, but He was just so happy that I had finally showed up.

Since then, God has changed/worked/transformed a lot in my life. My heart is new- I am learning and beginning to understand how to love everyone rightly. My doubts are slowly falling away, and this once terribly insecure girl is finally gaining courage and strength in her core. I see myself now as full, and I just want to share this feeling with everyone. It is a fire that is just so wonderful I just want to be swept away with God and doing what is good and loving and just and right.

Anyways, if you want to know this feeling too, I am always here.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

I cannot wait for the trees to remember that they still have roots, and that they have not died yet. They can then begin to feel beauty and life again.