Monday, April 15, 2013

letter to an old friend

Last night, while I was trying to settle down the frantic musings in my mind, I was skating through an anonymous secret app, and I thought I saw a secret from you. It was from our university, and with our same situation. I stayed up until 1 o'clock in the morning, shaking and sending messages with this girl who shared the same hopes for healing a broken friendship, hoping to everything I believe in that it was you on the other screen. (I have not told anyone else this, either. It just felt too much like a dream.)

Her name was Lauren, too, and that was pretty incredible. But it wasn't the girl I used to watch Pretty Little Liars with and go shopping with and dance crazily with and dream up ideas with. And that hurt worse than anything.

I have no idea if you read these anymore, but I do miss you. At the point we last talked, I honestly was very lost. I did not know how to love you correctly or, honestly, anybody else in my life. I was just realizing that the way that I was living was wrong, and I felt like one of those people that wake up one day and feel like they have to restart their entire lives because they have little pieces of who they are, but cannot seem to form a concrete idea of their identity when they look in the mirror. A lot has changed- I am still learning, but things are much more clear to me now. I am learning to love justly and understand people more fully.

This sounds really strange to put in an apology letter, but I also wanted to thank you. Thank you for not tolerating me when I started becoming selfish, becoming bitchy, becoming angry. The truth of what happened is, the aloofness of our friendship I think pushed me in the right direction, towards getting better (that doesn't mean I stopped missing you, though- I believe I just needed to grow up before I could finally come to terms with it).

I may have not been too up-front about all this before, but it is mostly for fear of you not wanting the same things, or not missing my friendship in return. So, if you ever want to make not like Taylor Swift and get back together, please know that I am always on that side.



amelia. said...

i'm so delighted you started blogging again.
your words are still so beautiful, and always a comfort.
even when you wouldn't think they would be.

Unknown said...

Thank you! I did take a hiatus from writing for a while, but I could not tear myself away for too long. :)

I am really joyful to know my words (and hope?) have comforted you. I saw your post about the same kind of thing, and it is so cool of the human race as a whole that we can learn so much and help ourselves from hearing of someone else's similar condition from their words. I hope your situation eases up soon!

MacK :)