Friday, May 27, 2011



This week, my self-esteem has been in the front seat of a rollercoaster, sitting right next to my confidence. It is actually pretty interesting- I read this advice-thing the other day, and it all just sort of hit me at once. Liking the guy I didn't know was never gonna work out because I was doing all the chasing and he was just basking in all the attention. Worrying over everything is silly. Most of all, I can't just sit there feeling bad for everything.

Being a teenager is a lot like driving through a city at night. All you can see are all the pretty, bright lights gleaming through the dark sky. You don't even have the courage to really, really look at yourself, too busy trying to outshine the lights. If you do, you feel inferior, stuck in the dark with no light of your own. What we don't know as teenagers is that the lights are fake and inhuman, and in order to truly glow, all we have to do is turn on the light.

Saying this, I'm trying to turn on my own light (metaphorically). With those thoughts above in mind, I picked up the pieces, and saw the need to fix my broken self. It's for the better, really. If I want to thrive survive in this world, I have to change some things about myself, mostly just my self-opinion (because I am my own worst enemy, and believe me, I am a nasty kid to be up against).
One of those things is my physical appearance, but I'm changing to what I like, and hopefully it will make me happier and more confident, in the least. It will just be my eyebrows and hair- nothing like plastic surgery- I'm not THAT self-conscious, so I guess I could be worse off. I'll probably start eating healthy foods and running again, just so I fall in love with my body again (as odd as that sounds haha). And NO, I will not develop an eating disorder of any shape or form because I love (junk) food and hate throwing up too much to attempt to compromise either one.
On another note, what I wear is evolving (I guess as I should have expected). Two years ago you couldn't catch me dead in a skirt (well, maybe you could, because they always dress up people at their funerals), and now I wear one at least once a week. It's interesting, how much your tastes change.
I have been extremely shy since middle school, but I am starting to talk more. I'm talking to people I didn't know now- I must have talked to this kid for 5-10 minutes today, just talking about next year and a mole that looked like a guinea pig that we now named Captain Oliver O'Malley.
Hopefully this summer will bring about this huge change. I know, I've said this every year and every summer, but under the circumstances of how much I'll be on my own this summer, I'm determined things will change soon. And what will I come back to school as? Everything I want to see in myself.
Oh, did I mention I made it into my summer program? :D Well, I did. I am going to the prettiest college (a personal opinion among many of the alumni). I am also going to be "studying" (meaning doing fun stuff concerning) Creative Writing & Literary Studies. So I will also be undergoing a possible writing metamorphosis over the summer (for the more interesting). The disadvantage of the program is that I can't get on the computer very often (nor will I have a lot of time to update). SO, from late June to all of July or so I will be only occasionally updating. Sowwy. :/
I'm doing all of these changes while still preserving my bizarreness that you all and my friends have grown to know and love.
Oh! And school's ending and summer is beginning soon (next Thursday haha), so I have to start making my AMAZING SUMMER LIST. Be looking forward to that!
the future looks bright and cheery,
mack. :D
PS if you are a kid struggling with yourself, too, you need to read the advice thing above (the link's there too) and just let go. Let go of the things that are weighing you down. Forget the bullies' taunts, the voice in your head, and the boys (or girls) that you so desparately want to have/imitate. When you do that, and really look at yourself, you'll notice a light is shining, too, and it's pouring straight from your heart.

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