Saturday, April 23, 2011

Are You There, God? It's Me, MacKenzie.

I've been curled up in a ball now- crying on my bed- for like an hour now, and just regained my dignity to walk down the stairs and type this post. It's 10:37 as I type this very sentence, and I don't see any sign of falling asleep anytime soon, unless I pass out from some uncalled-for reason (besides exhaustion, which seems favorable at the moment).

Today was yet another academic team competition (our last one of the year). The tournament itself was a normal one, but something made it different from all the others (the crying was different, too, but the reason why I was crying was what made it different).

Why, you may ask? I made it through most of the day just fine. Worried, yes, but that's my routine. It came in the end, when I least expected it. I was tortured, for two hours straight. I sat and watched and watched as I slowly became nothing in the eyes of someone I respect, as their eyes drifted to another girl, leaving me stranded in the eyes of none with nowhere to go, trapped to witness the figurative band-aid being ripped off of me. He stomped on my heart, then stabbed it, then dropped it on the highway we were driving on for everyone else to see and run over, too.

Oh, and did I mention I get to see this kid every day at school, in half of my classes? Probably not.

So, if there is a God up there (like I truly do believe there is), please allow me the strength to get over this heartwrenching affair.

I have a couple other things to add too, as I'm truly struggling to be okay with this before I see him on Monday. I'm considering changing the blog name, just because with school I've noticed my "wild"ness is rapidly evaporating. "dans la lune" (daydreaming) or "running in between clouds"- I can't decide.

"I know God feels my pain with the way the skys rain"- Sorry it's quoted directly off of Facebook (the court jester of grammar), but it is very rainy here, and applies quite drastically.

This is only a fraction of us. No, he's not in here, so don't ask.


Aoife. said...

I know some sloppy words from a fellow teenager halfway across the world whom you've never met won't be much help...but from all of your posts you seem like an incredibly strong, smart person - so I think you'll be able to battle on. Of course, I'm just being presumptuous, but I hope you'll be kind-of ok soon.

Mack said...

You're terribly sweet. :) And thank you very much, for your kind words!

Kay said...

Oh, Mack :(

I know that right now this whole affair is causing you distress, but I want you to remember that you're bright and strong. And you just have to go out there and prove to the universe that it will have to take a much harder blow to bring you down. :)