Friday, June 18, 2010

Mood: Strong

"It takes a strong heart to cry, but it takes a stronger heart to say
why."


Hope can do so much for a person :)

So, if you read my last post, you may be thinking to yourself: What happened? Did it all work out?

As you can tell by the fact I'm not completely shattered, yes, everything's fine and [hopefully] dandy.

I guess I'll tell you the whole story, if you want it.

Yesterday basically was the scariest day [not involving a death/accident, I guess] of my 15 [almost 16!] years on this planet.

I knew it was the last day he'd have here. I basically sat by my phone the entire day, hoping for a text- an invitation for one last adventure. Every silent hour as it passed hurt a little bit more.

At 5, and still nothing, I felt extremely resentful and bitter. Fine- if you don't care, I don't either. I left then for my brother's baseball game.

That bravado didn't last that long.

About 9 PM came around, and it honestly felt like I was going through "heartbreak hell" [please excuse my language- it's appropriate for what I'm talking about, if you've ever felt it] again, just like I did over my first boyfriend when he broke up with me. This was deeper though- like it cut all of the threads connecting my heart's tissue apart, and the pieces sagged deeper and deeper away from each other. It physically hurt.

After too many tears, it was 11:30, and I still got nothing. I was tired of waiting, wanting to be SOO angry at him. I texted him- the anxiety was boiling over as to why.

"Did you even Want to say goodbye to me?"

5 minutes later, my phone buzzed.

"Yea :("

I was going to stop it at that- if that's really all he could say after that, he didn't really care. However, he stayed up texting me until 12:30 AM, explaining he was just too busy [and he felt bad if he tried to leave his (I think this girl's insanely in love with him- I feel bad for her) "stalker"'s grad party]. He told me he was bringing the keychain I got for him up in Canada. I've been wearing a bracelet he gave me [from when he went to Boy Scout camp as a kid] for 3 days straight. We said goodnight, and that was all...

That night. :) He told me he was leaving at 8 that morning, so I woke up at 7, just to see him before he left. Waking up at 7, over the summer, after only getting 6 hours of sleep, wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but it was definitely worth it, even if I did awkwardly wait for him for a long while I took my dog out for a walk.

Even if we didn't hug [We never did that kind of thing- we've only hugged once in our entire friendship, and I don't think that's gonna change, especially now.], or he didn't "confess his undying love for me," I feel like I've proven I care about him. Enough to where he won't forget me here, at least.

The last things he told me?

Goodbye. Be positive. Go running every once in awhile, on the trail for me.

I watched their Tahoe drive by, and for some odd reason, it didn't hurt. I waited, and waited, and waited for it to hurt, but the pain never returned.

Hmm, I thought: I guess I'm stronger than I thought.

The rest of the day has gone by pretty busily.

As long as I keep myself busy, everything will seem alright with the world.

"I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds
And if you ask me the feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on cause the way it unfolds
Is yet to be told."

Prettiest Friend- Jason Mraz.

[Note I hope you all like the new blog template! I made the heading myself on Paint. (:]

1 comment:

Lauri Angel said...

That was .. beautiful :) :) :)