You have NOO idea how much this means to me right now. And how much I wish that a bear lived in my area. Just keeding. :P
I know, off-topic, but it's sad that I typed in 'Paris' under Yahoo! images, expecting to get pictures of the beautiful city I'll be visiting next year :], but instead the first three photos are of Paris Hilton's recent mugshot. WOW.
Currently, I have a cold- it's been spreading through the school like the plague. No, I don't have festering wounds or likewise, but it's a plague of the mind. Something's invaded me that wasn't there before.
I've come to believe that the cruellest parts of humanity have infiltrated into me. The bitterness, the paranoia, & utter jealousy: they've reared their ugly heads, as the devil worked his hands over through my body and my mind. It isn't 'true beauty' I fell in love with earlier on, it was humanity- the essence of being human is beautiful itself. But the ugly sides of humanity are the things I dislike the most in life.
I apologize, for my "overdramatic" ranting. I write this feeling as though I was quite literally stabbed in the back. The only thing that makes me madder than anything is when people talk about me negatively while I'm still in the room, especially when I can hear it. It makes me want to punch them all in the face, quite seriously. The worst part of it all is I would call these people my friends- my colleagues- and they all are exactly who I don't want in myself. Gossip is my least favorite subject of all things, especially involving the degrading of other people. They all lost a bit of my respect, in talking badly about other people. Whether they truly were talking about me or not doesn't matter- they were still speaking lowly of someone else on our team. A team is meant to be supportive of each other, not bitter.
High school's a battle, kids, and you're really lucky if you get out unscathed.
On some other notes, the coolest feeling ever is caused by so:
1. Taking your dog outside for a walk in your backyard at sundown.
2. Standing in a pose that makes you feel like a superhero.
3. Listening to "What I've Done" by Linkin Park. Or The Dangerous Summer, but I recommend LP, from personal experience.
I did that earlier, and it felt like I had just sprung out of a B+ action movie. Powerful stuff right above.
Ugh, I dislike when I get these way intuitive ideas during the day, and go Hey! This would be perfect to post!- and then forget them later.
That is absolutely mind-blowing. Seriously, if you think about that- nothing is out of our reach.
I saw something on our state testing program [what do you know, they actually tought me something]- that we as humans pick our limitations. We are the only things holding us back.
Reflect back. If I really actually tried when I was younger, I could've been a pro at volleyball. An awesome dancer, or ice skater. An artist, a singer. Heck, I could have learned to play an instrument. The only reason why I didn't is because I didn't think I could.
That's the one thing that's great about time: there's always a little bit of it. So, if you're still young [which to me is middle school, but really any age], try for it. Anything. Everything. Just go for it. If you have even the smallest desire, act on it. Ohmygoodness, PLEASE. You might probably will regret not doing it later.
I'm backkkkk. :] I'll just be coming back in shorter sprints, since school started.
I've gone a long way, since my feet first started moving across the floor. Yet when my spirit moved for the first time this year, it melted my heart and connected my heart to my brain by a thread. A powerful thread, yet that's all that it's hanging by.
The only thing I have really done this summer is delve deeper into who I am, and as to find out why I do things the way I do. I'm not sure where this all come from- it just kind of happened. I've never really considered the "why's" and "how's"- just the "what's" and "where's." But now, I am, and it's fascinating.
So, first off, here's a list of a few [ten] things I've discovered:
1. I actually loved going to the extremely peaceful New Harmony, Indiana & Illinois more than the "always-exciting" Gatlinburg. I liked the feelings of roots, and even four and a half hours away at home, I felt them under my feet, calling me back.
2. I laugh at everything, and I never knew why. Anything positively disgusting, I giggle at. I think I use it as a psychological protective kind of thing, to keep my mind pure and overall happy. :]
3. I really want to fight low self-esteem. Not just with mine, but other peoples'. I've been in a life-long fight with mine, and just now I'm winning the battle. I really don't want to lose it ever again, and I'd hate to see anyone else lose, too.
4. I normally am an open-minded person. Up to this point, even though I may dislike something someone says, I still treat them the same either way. But there are some things I can not adapt to: like meanness and disrespect.
5. Goonies never say die.
6. I wanna be a part of history, to where the kids tens of hundreds of years from now will say "Hey, [I] was a part of this" as they flip through their history books.
7. I love people. I love watching them smile and walk by, as they have thoughts and emotions and passions and memories. The art of human nature is just a lovely thing that truly deserves to be appreciated.
8. I was never really aware of how closed my body language was. I've always been sheltered, but I'm trying to change that one step at a time. A little less awkward, a little more open.
9. I still dream. I still have basically impossible dreams about the future, successes, and love, but they are all I have.
10. Writing and music are my escapes, but I've also learned to just be happy.
Next is the ten greatest quotes I found anywhere and everywhere this summer:
1. Be happy, not hungry. [Moi!]
2. People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. [Elisabeth Kubler-Ross]
3. There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say 'watch me'. [WeHeartIt]
4. Be yourself- everyone else is taken. [Not sure.]
5. Make one person happy each day. Even if it's yourself. [Anonymous]
6. Great people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people. [WeHeartIt]
7. And from that moment forward I picked up everything I could find and I hoisted it over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs and ROCKS! [Dolores Umbridge]
8. Just the entire givesmehope.com website. Sum it up, stick it here.
9. Yeah, this one and number ten can SUCK IT.
FAVORITE SNAPSHOT [That's all it takes.]:
Ten secrets/ideas:
1. I'm not sure if I believe in "God", necessarily; However, I do believe that the universe is on the side of justice and equality.
2. I've had a low self-esteem for as far as I can remember, but I'm slowly getting better, and learning to love myself and my qualities.
3. I am truly a wallflower. I could scheme everything up, but never follow through with it. I'm awkward with anyone but my friends, and can't scream to save my life. A pacifist, a dreamer, a romantic.
4. I can't pick out why people don't like me. Some people just look at me like my face is covered with fish eggs or something. If I could have anything in the world, it'd be equality- finally feeling equal, ALWAYS.
5. If anyone I knew ever found this, and it got out, I'd be in WAY over my head. Not that I really say anything bad about people, it's just that this is my one place to myself. No one knows me here, no one judges me here [or puts too much about it], and it doesn't matter any longer where the information goes, to tell you the truth, because no matter where it is, it's out there.
6. I've gotten several new followers- warm welcomes to you! :]
7. The acoustic versions of just about every song [not every acoustic version, but they have the potential to be] are better than the "originals".
8. "I am so romantic, sometimes I think I should marry myself. Nah, just kidding. But I am a very romantic person- I have this infactuation with people in general [some certain people WAY more than others, but that's beyond the point]. I'm the hope[ful/less] romantic that comes up with/loves those corny little things couples do for each other. That's kind of what I live for at this point- hope and love.
9. I have a passion for things that the general public may consider "weird." I think childhood movies, weird words, and indie music, are awesome- end of story. I enjoy ice cream, insightful cartoons, and long walks in the playground.
10. I really, really, really like lists. I need to end it here, before things become out-of-hand.
Finally, the twelve [I couldn't pick just ten, sorry] top songs of my summer.
1. Kids in Love- Mayday Parade
2. Count on Me- Bruno Mars
3. Home- Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
4. Star Crossed Lovers- Take Cover
5. Roslyn- Bon Iver & St. Vincent
6. Billionaire- Travie McCoy
7. Eclipse [All Yours]- Ariana Gillis
8. Fallen [Acoustic]- Death in the Park
9. Smile Bright- Letters & Lights
10. Set Free- Katie Gray
11. Goodnight Moon- Go Radio
12. 1901- Phoenix
Now, I settle as the fall brings a fair breeze, rustling the leaves that quickly change to hues of orange, yellow, and red.
I am currently metaphorically yet-it-feels-oh-so-literally drowning. That immense feeling of overwhelm is washing over me again and again and again, in waves like the tide hits the shore. Only this shore is a freaking dummy, and just started school, and is already in over her head [with oil, and water, from the oil spill].
Ugh. Maybe it's just this week, but I've already cried every night and just feel awful. People have mean looks about them these days, and I just can't handle everything as it is coming right now. I thought I had finally reached that point of enlightenment over the summer where I could deal with everything happily, but things of that nature are much easier said than done.
So, to my dismay, I have to give up blogging until I can screw my head back on [and clean out all the oil, which as we know may take quite awhile]. I apologize- I'll try to make my leave as minimal as I possibly can. I admire you all [readers, followers, creepers]- thank you for everything, and please just bear with me until I get back.
I really wanna see that movie with the owls as the main characters, even though it looks as "fantastic" as The Polar Express. Which is not, in my opinion. It's a deep rue that has a backstory I don't feel like telling. I have this fascination for owls lately, like fancies for owl jewelry and owl dresses and owl purses.
Isn't it funny that the song played on the commercial is by Owl City? :P
ANYWAYS.
I have an epic blog post I'm constructing about the things of summer: what I've done/learned, the soundtrack of my summer, my favorite things about it, favorite new quotes, et cetera. A sneak preview's in this post [the lesson, at least- I'm just applying it to today]! :O
One lesson I've learned: I'm a lot more perceptive of people now with body language and the similarities of other people in myself.
So, there's this kid one year younger than I at my school, who sat next to me and my friend today at lunch. No words, no smiles, just sitting awkwardly shifting in his seat at the end of the table.
It's really ironic, how two people can be so alike, yet so different at the same time. Let us review:
1. Both me and this kid are awkward, and if my friend wasn't there I would be doing the same awkward shifting sitting next to random people, feeling uncomfortable. In fact, I do do it- every single morning, while waiting for the bell to signal us to class. I sit in the hallway, waiting for my friend who never comes, and I just give up and go up to class eventually when I can.
2. He had his arms held around his stomach, so one could assume that he's very sheltered [like myself also, except in guy form; I've been trying to stop that lately].
Me and that very friend had seen him before, but never dared to strike a conversation with him [or, in my friend's case, to hug him].
It's so odd, because I had daydreamed over the summer about meeting somebody. A guy who was sensitive and sweet. Perceptive and contemplative. Has hope, and likes music, art, and blogging. Basically, I was hoping for another Wallflower, like myself, and I think I just may have found one. :] Possibly not- he could be just some other guy, except with cool hair. Maybe [hopefully] that's not the case. But no, I'm completely not confident enough to just say "Hi! What's your name?" No, I sat at the table while he looked at me across the table to talk to him, and I couldn't face my fears. I hope he sits next to us tomorrow again- my friend will obviously probably try to engage in a conversation, but I'd like to try it for myself; to be brave for once in my life.
It is weird to ponder this much about a total stranger? I'm not sure, but I've done it anyways.
*Warning: Self-esteem is my favorite subject. If you are a teenage growing-up girl [or boy], the following words may have a bigger impact on you than imagined. I'm just stating my personal opinion, so please don't write rude comments on it.
I am absolutely, positively disgusted by how many blogs I just found that were about teenage girls and their "dieting." Being skinny and being healthy are two very different things. The part that truly disgusted me was the fact that they had so many followers, all wanting the same thing.
I am a teenage girl- I sometimes realize experience the extreme pressure to "be skinny," and it's shattering against esteems. But ohmygoodness, people are a lot more beautiful if they are healthy. If they eat healthily, and get adequate exercise [although too much of these can be a bad thing], they should be darn "good enough" [what do they do it for, anyways? Prettiness? I never thought that the skeletons around at Halloween were "pretty"...].
Don't comment on this saying that "it's a disease", or "it's a disorder". It has a cure, combined with love and support.
Now, I can't say this without a disclaimer. As of right now, I am a healthy human being. I have never been anorexic. Although short in stature, I am healthy in weight, and proud of my body. I'm not yet comfortable with myself just yet, but that's because of a low self-esteem from my appearance [my view of all human beings having beauty, as humans and creations with thoughts and passions and hearts has seemed to take a toll on my self-confidence when I look in the mirror]. And even then, through love and support, I'm slowly gaining the confidence to be happy with myself. I've accepted that I'll never be perfect, and I'm cool with that.
Teenage boys may want boobs and stomachs, but eventually none of that will matter if there isn't a face or a healthy soul to back it up. What girls should be more proud of are their faces and their souls, not their physical features. Boost that up, make those beautiful.
I write this after going a whole day not caring about my hair, or how awful it may have looked in the rain, or how my right eyebrow needs to be plucked a little bit more. I'm also now craving a whole bag of Doritos.
