*brain implodes.*

a collection of failed attempts

I never do picture posts, so here's one. Don't laugh- I don't have a fancy camera or know how to edit or anything of the sort. Ever picture has a story, though. :)

I'm never taking that aluminum Christmas tree down. Ever. It was my grammy's, until she gave it to my family- the box says it was made in 1969 or something. But this has been my view for the last couple of weeks, due to snow days.



The view from the window on the back of the house. I'm pretty sure I've only seen the grass for a total of a week since Thanksgiving.



Also my grammy's camera (now mine), from an unknown year long ago. She said my grandpa got it in Chicago and bought it off of a Mafia member. It's kind of busted (as in I'm pretty sure I can't get it repaired), but you can still see stuff through it. My grammy's really cool, though, because although she can't afford a ton, she still has her cool stories and her heirlooms.



My less-than-succeeding attempt at making a heart with the mirror. I love doing that sign, though. Spread the love. :)



Haha- I tried to do a trendy picture of my closet, but instead you just get a picture of some of my clothes. :P



Hey look- that's half of me! I really like this picture though- most of my pictures involve this camera nowadays, just because I think it's so cool.

To make this post something more than photos, here's five secrets about me/thoughts I've been pondering on.

1. When I was a kid, I lived in a little culd-de-sac, and across the street there lived an old couple. Their house was small, and it had natural hues of forest green and wood. Sometimes, on summer nights, my parents and I would walk over to their house. Our parents would talk, but I always came over to look at the flowers. They had a type of flowers (lilies, maybe?) that would glow in the dark. I dearly really want those glow-in-the-dark flowers, when I'm older and have my own house.
2. I love playing music and dancing while putting up the clean dishes. Those activities go hand-in-hand, really.
3. I've only been online on Facebook maybe three times since the summertime. I dunno- Facebook has become less entertaining for me, and more stressing fake social interaction.
4. My Valentine's Day will probably be spent alone, but that's how it works sometimes. I'm sixteen- I shouldn't really be worrying about things like that. I have other things to worry about besides boys- like my schoolwork (hahaIMMAGEEK) and my happiness.
5. I just got like two inches of my hair cut off. It looks fantastic... for now. I'm really excited for it- except I'm kind of scurred of whether or not I'm going to be able to get it looking back like this on Monday (but at the same time I don't want to bore you with yet another picture of my haircut on this post haha).

With liberty and justice for all- wait...
Mack. :)

The Hairdresser, In the Salon, With the Pair of Scissors

 

It's really quite funny, how much I value my hair. Kids these dayz make hair such a huge part of beauty, but it's all dead skin. Nevertheless, I've fallen into this trend also. I have a snow day night tonight, so I wrote a poem about my insecurities [exaggerated, of course]. I call it "A Sucky Poem on Why I Don't Have a Boyfriend."

I used to like my eyes,
'Til they started looking cross-ed
And no one liked my pictures
On my five social network sites.
I used to like my shortness,
'Til I couldn't reach the candy cabinet
And my parents stared
while I climbed the counters
At age 15.
I used to like my thin-ness,
but then I stopped exercising
And started stuffing my face with trash
Including ice cream
because I spent my fridays
On the computer
Lying next to my fat dog.
I used to think my face was cute,
'Til I figured my face is all assymetrical
Or it just wasn't glued
 on the pretty girls' heads.
I have always hated my eyebrows
and that's that.
I used to like this cute little freckle on my cheek,
Wait,
I still like that freckle.
It's super adorkable.
But that's about it.
Seen in the crowds
All unattractive to view
Well besides my soul
But no teenage boy
Sees or desires that...

It was almost funny to write that, just because I really don't feel like that [well, most of that]. It's really sad, how it seems like half of the girls evaluate their looks like that. But, honey, it doesn't matter if the beautiful mask you're wearing is hiding your monstrous ogre of a soul. Eventually, the tables will turn. People will see with their hearts and not with their eyes- it takes a kind of maturity people don't usually get 'til they're older. But the one physical thing I will always, ALWAYS, have pride in is my hair [and that adorable freckle], and the one overall thing I will always have pride in is my soul [as you should also], as much as I hold it in from people sometimes.
 
I can't decide, though. :/
 
Smilehappylooksgoodonyou!
 
A little dose of sunshine on a cloud day here,
Mack. :D

Things are currently bordering on being completely ludicrous. Half of everyone is tense, and bitter; the others are acting like the invincible people that they are not.

I hope you all had a good Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It truly is my favorite holiday that isn't related to a holiday, or a catastrophic event. He is one of those individuals who truly deserves to be celebrated. I also write this because he is one of my favorite writers. I think people who find his pieces "boring" are ignorant on a level that I cannot tolerate, and I find that sad. They are long writings usually, but I guess it takes a type of person to really absorb and digest those words and metaphors and loaded words for what they really are. How much he packs into those words- "as many as there are"- always blows my mind. I could sit here and quote him for hours, but I'm still a bit steamed at almost my entire AP English class for lacking an appreciation for him- just don't get me started on it. Hmph.

I also just started reading The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury (hinthintreadit), an anthology of science-fiction short stories. I usually detest sci-fi, but somehow Bradbury blends it to a tasteful level that is actually really enjoyable (or maybe it's that they are short stories). My favorite one so far is called Kaleidoscope (the second story). It's about a rocket exploding, and the crew is shooting apart from each other at hundreds of miles per hour, and all they can do is wait to die. It brings up several interesting philosophies and ways of living life. Then again, I also read it at eleven pm last night, and everything seems more amazing and interesting in the late hours of the night.

"There were differences between memories and dreams. He had only dreams of things he had wanted to do, while Lespere had memories of things done and accomplished. And this knowledge began to pull Hollis apart, with a slow, quivering precision."

As an update to my last post, I can't go through with my decision- I can't be happy and still get what I want out of school (which are the expectations set upon me by my loving parents). So, even though there will be a small portion of my heart heavy and saddened, it is better in comparison to the whole miserable heart I would have if I tried to do it all. I am not perfect- far from it.

One thing I'd like to pose a thought about, though, is why boys are so darn attractive through their vulnerability compassion caring. It went like this: I saw a boy help out a girl who really needed help, and suddenly he is the most attractive human being on the planet. Even though I didn't really have an attraction to him before, it's suddenly like whoa. The boy who helped out the old man, whoa (but not really anymore because we're just good friends haha). Like what KAY said what feels like eons ago, "It's madness, I tell you."

Mack.

I Make Decisions Like McClellan.

Man, that was such a cheesy reference, but quite a good comparison all the same. Those titles are the kinds of thing you get after spending two hours reading your history book, and after having an academic team competition the day before, which, by the way, I personally rocked at. :D

I've tried to make my thoughts wander away from the big decision on my plate, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm stuck in a decision I have no idea how to make, mostly because the communication between me and my heart is like BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

*sigh.* I guess what I'm really trying to figure out is whether I care what they think of me, OR, if I can't stop caring, can I last until the end of the school year without driving myself insane.

I wrote that earlier, and I decided I'm going to go through with it, I think. In the beginning, all I could focus on were the negatives, but after thinking about it a long time [too late to be on time- it's already started actually haha], I started really considering the positives and the circumstances that surrounded those negatives of the past, and I think under different circumstances things would have been better, and will be better this time around. My stubborn unrealistic hope has also taken its toll on my decision- stupid ignorant thing...

On another note, I did some new things today. Like wearing eyeliner. And attempting to halfway flirt with a guy [even though I'm pretty sure that didn't work out].

I also noticed some new things. After analyzing my entire high school life to make that decision, I've finally seen why I don't receive that much love- I don't show love enough. It's not that I don't like people; it just that I hold a lot of things in, and I guess my adoration of people is one of those things that I bottle up. I'm shy- sometimes it protects me from things, but sometimes it's my weakness. I also need to be more assertive, yet that comes along with showing love more.

A confession: I secretly have a little crush on everyone I come into contact with, at one point or another.

So, it's safe to say I'll be making some changes to my life- just to make myself happier in life. It's a metamorphosis that's for the better.

I think 'll leave you with THIS SONG.
Something about acoustic versions of songs- I can't not love them. Impossible- tomfoolery- shenanigans.

Sleeptight[andmakefunnyfaceseveryonceinawhile],
Mack. :)

marie antoinette + rock and roll

We just finished watching Marie Antoinette in Francais class today. Besides all of the nudity and mature topics that I feel are neither necessary nor proper to discuss, the entire setting was a dream. My dreams, in part- the time was in the height of architecture (I am deeply considering studying architecture- it's what I get for spending hours reading cottage design magazines); they had the most extravagant dresses and hair (you wouldn't believe how desperately I want her "boat" wig, even though it's shown for about five seconds at most); they played a game I played at the "speech team" party; and they even put on my future outdoor tent party! My dreams were all acted out right before my eyes- I just absorbed all of those moments and aesthetic scenes in their full excellency, which I still continue to drool over hours later. I floated through the halls afterwards, in bliss of  the fact that I was going to be seeing that very place they were at {versailles} in less than three months (76 days, in fact!). oh mon dieu. :3

The weirdest part of the movie was that it had half of the expected songs (Vivaldi and so on), and the other half was, well, modern music. Rap music, and rock and roll. It was bizarre, to see two generations separated by periods of so long of time come together and be used as a congruence of the two cultures, in a movie that seemed so insistent on preserving that lost time that is quickly fading away out of being.

Oh, by the way, it stars Kirsten Dunst- I'm pretty sure she's the only actress that can be a beheaded promiscous princess, Spiderman's romantic interest, and have a realistic dream transporting her to the Holocaust, all performed with easy excellence and elegance.

Foragoodtuneclickhere,
Mack. :)

A random thought to start off... inertia exists concerning life, too. It doesn't feel natural for people to go from calm to busy instantaneously. As we face problems or change, all we wish to do is run away from them- run to the only place, idea, or arms- that will shield us from having to deal with it all. Only negative problems apply, though- those delightful surprises we face in life are eagerly accepted. This kind of goes with my last post, just a bit in the subject of life, except today I had the delight of having these surprises sneak up on me:

*Learning I was second round of selection for a really good summer college program, and that the selection committee at our school felt pretty confidently about me.
*Getting an almost good enough grade on my science test for an overall A in the class.
*Seeing my favorite science teacher for the first time since he moved to another school (even though I didn't say hello).
*Doing smashingly well in academic team practice today.
:D

Now that I'm in a good mood, on to the New Year's topic! I created my resolutions the fifteen minutes before midnight (because I like to do things last minute- I should probably try to resolve that...) in Illinois, which in reality was an hour later than all of friends' back in good ol' Kentucky. Here they are, for all that they are:

*To read more on subjects I find interesting (because I rarely read as much as I have in the past)- architecture, social analysis, accounting, French, creative writing, psychology, dreams, fashion, fantasy...
*To eat healthier and exercise more (because the last eight months my butt and the couch have become the best of friends)
*To be on Facebook less, and Blogger more :)
*To become more social
*To try new things- like wearing dresses and skirts with no formal reason
*To continue to grow as a person, but also to not forget those people around me that I care about the most
*To not fall so quickly and so deeply for any idea
*To save money and spend it only on the things I cherish most
*To not become so obsessed with my physical appearance
*To become more spiritual- maybe even try a youth group of some sort?
*To let myself be more positively influenced than negatively influenced- along with that, to not be discouraged after/during trying times
*To hug people more
*To drink more water
*To make dumb mistakes, but besides that have no big regrets from 2011
*To appreciate/discover more
*To think less, and do more

haveaswellday(andlistentothesoundsoflifeoutsideyourwindow),
mack. :)

*warning: terribly whiny

My heart is currently devouring itself, feeding on the raw emotions that can not seem to finish. I'm so torn and paranoid right now- paranoid by day, torn by night. I really need to talk about someone face-to-face with someone, but the only person I can talk with is the one person I need to talk about (if that even makes sense). I don't know whether to hold on to the past, or let go and move forward into the future. Do you hold on forever, waiting for someone to return, even if you only see them every once in awhile, and those meetings are slightly excruciating when you remember they won't be around forever? Or do you forget about someone so important and go on with your life (which, in my case, almost seems impossible)?

More importantly, which one hurts less?

On another note, thank you for your kind comments on my last post, though. It truly did make my day a little bit brighter. :)

PrettysureIneedapsychiatristandmentalmedications,
Mack.