metamorphosis

*sigh.*

This week, my self-esteem has been in the front seat of a rollercoaster, sitting right next to my confidence. It is actually pretty interesting- I read this advice-thing the other day, and it all just sort of hit me at once. Liking the guy I didn't know was never gonna work out because I was doing all the chasing and he was just basking in all the attention. Worrying over everything is silly. Most of all, I can't just sit there feeling bad for everything.

Being a teenager is a lot like driving through a city at night. All you can see are all the pretty, bright lights gleaming through the dark sky. You don't even have the courage to really, really look at yourself, too busy trying to outshine the lights. If you do, you feel inferior, stuck in the dark with no light of your own. What we don't know as teenagers is that the lights are fake and inhuman, and in order to truly glow, all we have to do is turn on the light.

Saying this, I'm trying to turn on my own light (metaphorically). With those thoughts above in mind, I picked up the pieces, and saw the need to fix my broken self. It's for the better, really. If I want to thrive survive in this world, I have to change some things about myself, mostly just my self-opinion (because I am my own worst enemy, and believe me, I am a nasty kid to be up against).
 
One of those things is my physical appearance, but I'm changing to what I like, and hopefully it will make me happier and more confident, in the least. It will just be my eyebrows and hair- nothing like plastic surgery- I'm not THAT self-conscious, so I guess I could be worse off. I'll probably start eating healthy foods and running again, just so I fall in love with my body again (as odd as that sounds haha). And NO, I will not develop an eating disorder of any shape or form because I love (junk) food and hate throwing up too much to attempt to compromise either one.
 
On another note, what I wear is evolving (I guess as I should have expected). Two years ago you couldn't catch me dead in a skirt (well, maybe you could, because they always dress up people at their funerals), and now I wear one at least once a week. It's interesting, how much your tastes change.
 
I have been extremely shy since middle school, but I am starting to talk more. I'm talking to people I didn't know now- I must have talked to this kid for 5-10 minutes today, just talking about next year and a mole that looked like a guinea pig that we now named Captain Oliver O'Malley.
 
Hopefully this summer will bring about this huge change. I know, I've said this every year and every summer, but under the circumstances of how much I'll be on my own this summer, I'm determined things will change soon. And what will I come back to school as? Everything I want to see in myself.
 
Oh, did I mention I made it into my summer program? :D Well, I did. I am going to the prettiest college (a personal opinion among many of the alumni). I am also going to be "studying" (meaning doing fun stuff concerning) Creative Writing & Literary Studies. So I will also be undergoing a possible writing metamorphosis over the summer (for the more interesting). The disadvantage of the program is that I can't get on the computer very often (nor will I have a lot of time to update). SO, from late June to all of July or so I will be only occasionally updating. Sowwy. :/
 
I'm doing all of these changes while still preserving my bizarreness that you all and my friends have grown to know and love.
 
Oh! And school's ending and summer is beginning soon (next Thursday haha), so I have to start making my AMAZING SUMMER LIST. Be looking forward to that!
 
the future looks bright and cheery,
mack. :D
 
PS if you are a kid struggling with yourself, too, you need to read the advice thing above (the link's there too) and just let go. Let go of the things that are weighing you down. Forget the bullies' taunts, the voice in your head, and the boys (or girls) that you so desparately want to have/imitate. When you do that, and really look at yourself, you'll notice a light is shining, too, and it's pouring straight from your heart.

finally.

I have temporarily lost all motivation. I only have a couple of things of homework to do tonight, anyway. It just doesn't feel important any longer. 6 more days, and it'll all be over.

P.S. You don't miss me, darling. You miss the attention I used to give you every time you walked my way. Now you're feeling lost, and I'm feeling all right again. I'm not sure if it's the summertime feeling, or being surrounded by good and beautiful things and friends, but I can finally focus on being happy. It's nice to know, for what feels like the first time in a long time, that it is possible to get over these false teenage infactuations and just be real.

That's all I have to say, for now. Have a nice, hopefully-sunny day.

mack. :D

Plain as can be, plain as me.

Open up my heart, darling
Before I fall apart, starling
Refreshment in a desert hallucination
Refreshment for my pallid imagination

All that can exist here
Summed up in a single tear
In this desert hallucination
Falls down from the dark cloud's top
Drop after lonely drop
Here in my pallid imagination

Dust sprinkled across the seams
All the old and older dreams
Refresh, refresh my being.

title: surreal appeal
---------------------------------------

Storyteller, weave your tale from thin, sweet air.
Whistling through your teeth,
the wind carries your words
miles and miles lapped up
Farther and father from its place
Past the familiar horizon into the unknown
when you only attempt to reach
the nearest of open hearts.
Hear the tune the old winds sing
of stories told long ago
Scattered through lonely space.
Met with vibrations of excitement,
New hope, new light, new tunes.
Slowly after so long,
those words return, through your lips,
bid adieu to the open air,
And approach a heart from which they sprung
Not originally, but a soft spot was saved for them.
Convicted to sensations
no longer bare to humiliation
Not on the lonely road, but home in another.

title: magic wind
-------------------------------

I made these up today (sorry the last one doesn't rhyme). I'm not really sure why I feel in such a sensational mood today. I read the lines below on owlcityblog.com (which I highly suggest you digest) last night, and was just stunned and stimulated by how they made me feel. Reading it is so much different than hearing it, true, but seeing it with those charged emotions each word brings to the others calls for a lovely, lovely poem. Owl City is not just a musician with a possible imsomniatic disorder (or I guess it isn't a disorder, because it supposedly improves his talent), but a poet, and a human being with a very open heart and open emotions.

"Weighed down by heavy lids and lunar lullabies, I knew you were wide awake because you smile with your eyes."

"This particular sad farewell left a hole in my chest and a bittersweet taste in my mouth, as saying goodbye has a way of doing. It tasted like past romance, a bouquet of indelible memories laced with lost love and confused emotions, the flowery passion and affection of two starry-eyed dreamers, tangled up in the ribbons of a faded fairy tale."

mack.  :)

*go easy on me.

Darling, darling, I am so afraid,
terrified to face my fears.
What will become of us?
Is a "maybe" worth the tears?

Today
They all said no,
they all said run,
they all said be safe.
I didn't stray.

I wrote on my hand
the words "have no fear."
flirting with my own demise,
those words no longer dear.

My courage fell flat

Be bold, be bold, I say,
I must, I must, it's the only way
to find something worth it all
in this hard and scary haul.

(true story.) I'm trying out poetry, but it's a long process I want to hopefully excel in someday. I'm working on it.

This scares me to death, because if it's any true, I'm always in your dreams, but you're never in mine. :/

eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.

From Kay's blog.

I can't hold it in any longer. It feels like it's about to pour forth from my frame, out into the open air. Vulnerable to stares and knives and even heartbreak. I have to try, even if it fails miserably, even if it threatens me that if I do, everything I ever kept to myself will be lost to destiny. I will be walking on a tightrope with no safety nets, only to what seems like the pressure of death or a hopefully happy ending.

Tomorrow- tomorrow, I've decided. Tomorrow will be the day it all unfolds.

What have I got to lose?

"If you had access to a time machine, where and when would be the first place you travel to?"

Well, magical question generator, you seem to have read my mind on choosing today to just dream and reminisce. I'm not sure which one would be first, but I definitely would...

Attend the first Beatles concert in America
Run along the beachside out west, sometime in the latter half of the twentieth century
Crash my own wedding
Gossip at the Salem Witch Trials
Dance with the Iroquois
Party with Marie Antoinette
Relive the sweetest night I ever had (sometime in 5th grade haha)
Meet my grandparents when they were young, and visit New Harmony, Indiana
Attend an original showing of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet
Spy on Thoreau while he was at Walden Pond
Ride through the open west with the cowboys

What would YOU do?

things have taken a turn for the weird.

I think, in the zombie-like manner I was in last night, I stereotyped a majority of the population of teenagers as punks with pink hair and tattoos that fight for fun, curse until the words have no meaning, and throw glitter everywhere. That thought, of course, occurred at a very tired time of one o'clock in the morning.

Last night was my junior prom. It was on Friday the 13th, and nonetheless the night had its (bad) moments, but I quickly noted that worrying about them would get me nowhere, so I went on with my night and had a fantastic time (which was good because I'd never been able to do that before). :)

The only regret I have regarding that night was that although I received so many compliments on my hair and my dress, I never could gather up the courage to ask him to dance. The "Treasure the Night" slogan printed on our prom t-shirts never was so ironic.

Summer is on the horizon, and it winks its comforting sky-blue eyes at me in a haughty manner, just to tease me and just about every other teenager on the planet (not all, but most). The happiness will come, believe in that. :)

I know one could argue that this has to be the worst "prom" photo of mine, but I'm too self-conscious to put too many more.



I'll put this one, though. :)

 song in my head: i wanna hold your hand by the beatles,
mack. (: