I feel like these are the stereotypical wishes and desires of college freshman, but here mine are anyways.

things I want out of college:

*to make a new group of friends- a good, close group of friends- with friendships rooted in similar passions.
*to learn an instrument (guitar? bongos? piano?)-
     or maybe just go to a bunch of concerts and sing a lot. :]
*to write more often.
*to volunteer quite a bit.
*to decide what I'm going to do with this "wild and precious living" I have ahead of me-
     Is it rooted in Accounting (NO- haha), or Communications or French, or maybe something else altogether?
*to travel! or to get experience!
*to fall in love with myself.
*to develop my relationship with God.

*to make some cool crafts or something.

*to not give up, no matter what gets thrown my way.
*to start getting myself out there more.
*to not gain too much weight.

things I have learned in my first semester at college:

*it's okay to stand up for yourself- even if it's to your friends.
*you don't want to be the same person you were in high school. seriously.
*being undecided as a major is okay (for now- but seriously, get your stuff together soon if you can).
*sometimes, high school drama follows you to college.
*there's intramural track! And introductory piano classes! And clubs for everything!
*you might have a hard time leaving home because... well, I'm not exactly sure why yet.
*you only need a couple of good friends- those friends that will give you smile lines and make you happy to be yourself, whoever that is anymore- and you will be content with life.
*have a long-distance relationship, and suddenly you appreciate time so much more. It's hard but worth it at the end of the day.
*you should just plain appreciate time. and naps.
*you will mess up sometimes, but it really is okay (especially in the beginning of the semester). there is
always time to fix things.
*look both ways before crossing the street.
*sometimes, luck is the one thing you can never count on, but does come.
*music is a great thing for lonely late nights.

there will be more of these to come, most likely. I have four years to accomplish and learn.
-Mac

P.S. I am DONE with my first semester. I feel like I was just freed from jail. Or a bird that just leapt out of its nest (and made it). Or Kevin McCallister, when he found out he was home alone. It was so very long of a first semester of college, but I survived.

Holiday- Vampire Weekend.

new posts to be had

I started a new blog, thinking I needed a new start with college starting and all. And then I realized, hey! I am still that same person that started writing this blog years ago, just older and part of the way into the freshman fifteen. So I technically have a new "profile," but it is still just me. Hi. I am going to start transporting posts from there to back where they belong- here, home.

I just wanted to share this with everyone, too. I used to be such a wallflower: dreary and stuck like wallpaper. But now, I like to think I am a wildflower: growing and free in the light of the Sun and happiness. Thank you, God, but also thank you to the supporting people in my life.

poems, weeks old

blues:

daydreams, dripping from my third-floor window

it's raining rain

they are sipping champagne.

sky scratchers, peeling the blue off the rain
a balloon floats high
but at the top dies.

alas, the sun! it burns and cries
but the bird does not care.
its song has the same fare.

----

eighteen or eight:

sitting indian style, lime green rug
from Walmart- a sweater that doesn't fit just right.

year seveteen seventy something- who cares?
juice boxes, junk food, dirty socks
litter a cold floor (fun to slide on).

what has changed, eighteen to eight?
same name, just a taller frame
and still unsure about why.

I need to write, to help the stirring in my soul.

I forgot to tell you

I just got back a little while ago from a vacation in Florida. It was nice, but my heart just doesn't belong there, with beaches and tourists and palm trees. It belongs in the Midwest, in a field under a moonlit sky in the peak of firefly season.

I went to church for the first time ever yesterday, with the help of my boyfriend. It wasn't exactly one of the things I had on my summer to-do list, but I think it's a good thing. He kind of pushed me into getting up and going, but I needed a push all this time. I'm going back next Sunday.

There are some more things, but I'll catch you all later- things to read and dream and create.

-Mack

Summ12r

A lot of things are different this summer. I have officially graduated from high school, and I am heading off to college in the fall. I will be turning 18, of legal adult age to be... an adult, which is scary to me. I have a boyfriend, for the first time in years, and this one isn't a loser at all. He's my partner in crime, and has a bit of adventure in him, too. And, unlike all of the other years, I have both the motivation and time to get all of my things on my summer list done. So, here it is, in a draft form, my list of things to do in less than 3 months.

1. Worship Bon Iver from afar (I had planned on seeing them in concert, but due to some circumstances, like age/location/lack of money, I can't do that. Maybe next summer...)
2. Dye my hair with Kool-Aid (maybe just dip-dye, red)
3. Go to Danville, KY again (for my last summer program's reunion- this one will occur)
4. Make a terrarium
5. Learn how to make friendship bracelets
6. Go to the beach, A LOT (I plan on doing this when we go on vacation)
7. Get a sweet tan
8. Hike my hill
9. Make RC floats with friends
10. Make a rainy day into an ALL DAY movie day
11. Go to Forecastle!
12. Watch several of Dylan's baseball games
13. Go to a flea market, and find precious things for cheap
14. Make a pillow/blanket fort
15. Have a picnic
16. Make s'mores
17. Go barefoot for a week
18. Experiment with strawberries (or at least eat them a lot)
19. Bob for apples
20. Go to at least one of the Cincinnati Observatory "parties" at night
21. Visit the Carmi, Illinois movie theater
22. Sing in front of people (okay, maybe just Ryan or Dirk haha)
23. Put oldies on my iPod
24. See a play put on by a local company
25. Make my major concern in life to be pleasure
26. Learn how to make sweet tea from the master
27. Buy a pet fish for college
28. Go to the drive-in movie theater up in Ohio
29. Collect earrings and bracelets
30. Write in my journal- poetry, stories, lists- and blog more often
31. Wake up real early and watch the sun come up one day
32. Go to the art museum
33. Throw a birthday party, or just a regular, no-occasion party
34. Experiment with new clothing styles
35. Take more photographs
36. Eat more fruits
37. Get all of my things ready for college
38. Overall just experiment with my creative outlets
39. Try to spend less time on the computer and my iPhone
40. Leave special messages in books
41. Read for fun
42. Be happy :D

So, that's my list for now. There might be some additions, some... subtractions. It's flexible, it's lovable, and it's mine.

Catch you all later,

Mack.

More, More, More- Air Traffic Controller

I Am Who?

I see, from my window, a woman with a wide-brimmed hat walking. I think she used to be my neighbor, the lady who sometimes would talk to us and bring us baked bread. Now she's the woman who sometimes wanders aimlessly around in her yard, wig or not, from losing her hair to chemo.

I feel like everything is changing, or at least I am. I had graduation practice today at school- I, the girl who used to never take chances with boys or grades or safety or even food. I was stuck inside myself, but now I'm not. I finally got out, and it's a little too late.

I knew high school wasn't all permanent, but it felt all-the-same. A sense of security falters- perhaps that's why some kids stay at home for college, not just because it's less expensive, but because they don't want to make that jump yet.

I've never been afraid before I've never had a fear that wasn't caused by some totally irrational fear or thought. And going off to college is a totally normal fear- not like being afraid that someone will think of me as a man if I stand too long facing a public toilet. I hope my college, a whopping 1.5 hours away (*smirk), will be a community that totally accepts me as one of their own. My best friend will be there as my guidance, and I will have a handful of more friends, so I will always find myself in a web of good feelings.

On a related note, at this point, I feel like a bit of a misfit. My sense of community used to define me- where I lived, where I had traveled- but now all things are a-changing, and I am just along for the ride, amazed by where the next turn will take me. I feel... lost, I guess. So, to find myself and the definite things in life right now, I made a list of things, about myself (sorry if it's selfish).

What There is to Being Me

1. It's wearing a number of mismatched, collected bracelets on your left wrist, but taking them off when you have to write.
2. It's squealing and "inward-burping," which sounds a lot like a hiccup.
3. It's sometimes caring too much, and other times not caring enough.
4. It's singing really loudly, but only by yourself.
5. It's about plaid shirts and skirts and jeans.
6. It's eating ice cream most likely by the pint (preferably strawberry or s'mores flavored ones).
7. It's not sharing everything you have- some things really are okay to keep personal and tenacious.
8. It's about finally getting the boy you've had a crush on for a long while, even after you were always too shy or defeated to say anything to before.
9. It's ironic, being "Big Mac" and so small, but it's not about being sarcastic.
10. It's about loving all spaces, from trendy bookstores to moldy parks to baseball fields to abandoned construction sites.
11. It's not talking a majority of the time, but because nothing urgently needs to be said.
12. It's listening to mainstream, not mainstream music.
13. It's about random impulses, like wanting to go without shoes, wanting to cut your hair real short and dye it red, and wanting to tuck in your shirts sometimes, even though that may be weird.
14. It's giving people seasons or colors.
15. It's about having "birthday" songs.
16. It's carrying home in your heart wherever you go, so it's about rarely feeling homesick.
17. It's not knowing, but hoping.

I'll have my epic summer list done for all of you soon.

Thanks for waiting for me to return,
Mack.

You Don't Know Me- Ben Folds ft. Regina Spektor (Warning: Explicit)

Still Drowning...

... & I honestly will be doing so until at least the close of May, when school ends. It is my senior year, but things are not as easy as my elders made it seem.

I haven't posted anything in about 3 months- a ridiculously long time, but I had no other hiatuses in my life. I'm sorry, but more sorry for myself (writing for enjoyment is now a rare delicacy to me, rather than a routine meal).

I have done a number of things since I posted last January. It truly has been a long three months! I've gotten myself a boyfriend, & for my loyal readers of long ago, he actually is the boy who helped the man at Cracker Barrel a year or so ago. He is still just as sweet, if not more so. I've kissed him, and do so quite often. I've survived AP Calculus thus far. I've been to Myrtle Beach, & have actually been in the ocean, which is a very daring feat for a girl who cannot swim. I finished my academic team career off with a bang. I've completed multiple scholarship interviews and applications, and I finally decided where I'm going to college- Louisville, here I come.

There is more, but those seem to be the highlights (I mean, if you want to be picky, we can talk about how people change every day of their lives, but let's not right now). Once I have enough time to really breathe, I shall return again. I promise. Just please wait until then.

Mac.


The Girl- City & Colour
"While I'm off chasing my own dreams/ Sailing around the world/ Please know that I'm yours to keep/ My beautiful girl..."  ♥

amour.

a small collection of things

A SMALL COLLECTION OF POEMS

*Good Winter
snow trickles on the spines of hills
many gaze
from insulated panes
at winter's dull grey sky
And filled with winter's discontent,
return to their heart(h)s.
Yet what lies in that great beyond
that cold, great beyond
is what I have longed for
for so long.

*For TC (Unfinished!)
The man with paper fingers
Patient
Holding the door open
Inviting us all in
To sit, relax,
Open up our minds
Break down our walls
And build on our brains.

A SMALLER COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS

*I give people their own little nicknames in my phone (don't fret, as they are all positive).
*Apparently touching my back- anywhere- totally adrenalizes me.
*I really have the desire to read "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac.
*I have no clue what I want at this point. People really should stop asking me. My answers change daily.
*I've worn this necklace since the day he gave it to me.
*If anyone love Bon Iver as much as I do, please, marry me (or at least talk to me).

The reason for my hiatus is a tad more significant than "college applications," or "I sort of kind of am deeply infactuated with a boy," or even "I am undergoing an entire change that I cannot begin to grasp-" but, alas, it is just barely.