Monday, May 21, 2012

I Am Who?

I see, from my window, a woman with a wide-brimmed hat walking. I think she used to be my neighbor, the lady who sometimes would talk to us and bring us baked bread. Now she's the woman who sometimes wanders aimlessly around in her yard, wig or not, from losing her hair to chemo.

I feel like everything is changing, or at least I am. I had graduation practice today at school- I, the girl who used to never take chances with boys or grades or safety or even food. I was stuck inside myself, but now I'm not. I finally got out, and it's a little too late.

I knew high school wasn't all permanent, but it felt all-the-same. A sense of security falters- perhaps that's why some kids stay at home for college, not just because it's less expensive, but because they don't want to make that jump yet.

I've never been afraid before I've never had a fear that wasn't caused by some totally irrational fear or thought. And going off to college is a totally normal fear- not like being afraid that someone will think of me as a man if I stand too long facing a public toilet. I hope my college, a whopping 1.5 hours away (*smirk), will be a community that totally accepts me as one of their own. My best friend will be there as my guidance, and I will have a handful of more friends, so I will always find myself in a web of good feelings.

On a related note, at this point, I feel like a bit of a misfit. My sense of community used to define me- where I lived, where I had traveled- but now all things are a-changing, and I am just along for the ride, amazed by where the next turn will take me. I feel... lost, I guess. So, to find myself and the definite things in life right now, I made a list of things, about myself (sorry if it's selfish).

What There is to Being Me

1. It's wearing a number of mismatched, collected bracelets on your left wrist, but taking them off when you have to write.
2. It's squealing and "inward-burping," which sounds a lot like a hiccup.
3. It's sometimes caring too much, and other times not caring enough.
4. It's singing really loudly, but only by yourself.
5. It's about plaid shirts and skirts and jeans.
6. It's eating ice cream most likely by the pint (preferably strawberry or s'mores flavored ones).
7. It's not sharing everything you have- some things really are okay to keep personal and tenacious.
8. It's about finally getting the boy you've had a crush on for a long while, even after you were always too shy or defeated to say anything to before.
9. It's ironic, being "Big Mac" and so small, but it's not about being sarcastic.
10. It's about loving all spaces, from trendy bookstores to moldy parks to baseball fields to abandoned construction sites.
11. It's not talking a majority of the time, but because nothing urgently needs to be said.
12. It's listening to mainstream, not mainstream music.
13. It's about random impulses, like wanting to go without shoes, wanting to cut your hair real short and dye it red, and wanting to tuck in your shirts sometimes, even though that may be weird.
14. It's giving people seasons or colors.
15. It's about having "birthday" songs.
16. It's carrying home in your heart wherever you go, so it's about rarely feeling homesick.
17. It's not knowing, but hoping.

I'll have my epic summer list done for all of you soon.

Thanks for waiting for me to return,

You Don't Know Me- Ben Folds ft. Regina Spektor (Warning: Explicit)

1 comment:

Kay said...

I always disguise my burps as hiccups