I would tell you a secret,
but you would not want that-
you might just catch something
like the world crumbling away at my words.

(for you would pick out pieces,
exactly the pieces you did not want to hear-
or even let me explain-
making me out as a hateful shroud
when all I love is love.
It breaks my heart.)

you would not want
the everlasting river in my heart
flowing the same through yours,
bursting the dams of that hardened idea
to a purpose, a reason, a hope.

(feeling knocks down "facts," dear.
I lived that.)

you would not want
to know that Creator
you are not sure if you care if you were created
(you were, by He)
is just Good, is just Love.
it is not fair to judge good parents
by their rebel children,
yet I understand your frustration
with hateful children who cannot hope to hold
the unconditional love of their Father.
as if we were all so great,
children would too be Creators.

(Amen, that it is not case.)

you would not want
to stop doing those things you chase:
that girl or boy, those grades, your own glory,
because they make you feel satisfied.

(I chased those same roads
and found temporary happiness,
as there was only sadness at the seams.)

please accept my hug,
even if you choose, you want
to push away my words,
to build up your dam,
to judge the Creator of the world by my sins,
and to keep chasing the world.

please just accept my hug,
and welcome love,
just as your words and heart
preach and sing together.

What I would wish out of today:

1. You to show up in front of my dorm with your new blue shirt on and to walk with me around campus and to Home Run Burgers.
2. That pregnancy test in my dorm's bathroom to be negative (I did not want to look at the results, either, for that girl's sake).
3. To be able to fall asleep at reasonable times again.
4. Cold Stone Ice Cream, and that desire may never be off of this list at any time, honestly.
5. My brother to keep sending me pictures of my dog every day, because they make me smile to no end.
6. It to be Friday (but at least it gets closer every day).
7. To not have so much fear in my heart.
8. A back massage, and a new backpack that does not literally scar me.
9. One of my friends to experience the same freeing happiness I feel and hope to share.
10. To be thankful for all that I have and am, despite hoping for these (some trivial, some heartfelt) things that I would like to have or experience. :)

acid rain

Why do we repeat our mistakes,
falling for the same things-
the same people-
like rain in a cycle?

SPRING SMILES

a playlist by mackenzie rich, with feelings written by mackenzie rich.

1. Stubborn Love- The Lumineers
I sing this when I am walking around campus alone and the wind is blowing in my face, and also when I am alone in my dorm. I honestly think this is the only song I can sing well. But the day anyone hears me singing this will be a life-changing day.

2. Someone Like You- 1997 musical "Jekyll & Hyde"
I always remember a beautiful friend from a few years ago singing this song at a talent show. Our friendship was kind of serendipitous, and although we are not too close these days, that time period was probably the most inspiring (creatively) time in my life thus far.

3. Home is Not Places- The Apache Relay
Definitely one of my new favorites! It gives me such a whiplash of wanderlust.

4. Skinny Love- Bon Iver
This song will forever be my favorite, because it is just so universal to me. It fits in every season, every night, and every place I have ever experienced. It is a yearning for more love.

5. Lizstomania- Phoenix
Spring does not have to be all rain and heartbreak, you know. :)

6. Come on My Soul- Rend Collective Experiment
Spring is the season of growing, where everything is reborn or growing in some shape or way. I am just choosing to grow my spirit.

7. On the Radio- Regina Spektor
I could have put almost any of Regina Spektor's songs here, but this one has been my favorite as of late.

8. Marry Me- Train
All I can think of when I listen to this song is a hill I used to hike when I was younger. It was always windy up there, and you could see very far into the horizon over the hills and farms.

9. I Will Wait- Mumford & Sons
Isn't this just a perfect dancing song? Or a song that you sing with all of the air in your lungs?

10. Melody- Kate Earl
I have this tradition of deeming the first song I listen to on my birthday my "year's" song. This was this year's song, and it has been surprisingly true. It is also quite peppy.

11. She Came Around- Holiday Parade
I would really like to be a girl like this, for a boy to write a song like this about me. That is not who I am now, though.

12. Let it Be- The Beatles
This song is hope. And peace. And a strong beat. And a classic at that, so I feel that it belongs here.

13. Lover of the Light- Mumford & Sons
I could not help myself but to post another Mumford & Sons song. This one is not quite as fun as the first one, but I love the messages of their songs so much.

14. Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson
And this song is brought to you by my rampant impulses in the spring to be infatuated with every single person who has good qualities (the more good qualities, the deeper the infatuation, sadly). I would not choose to love less, though- I just wish I could understand and manipulate all of this love in my heart. Hopefully I will learn that with God's hand, though.

15. Gracie- Ben Folds
Another love song, but this one is from a father to his daughter. My relationship with my Dad is by no means perfect, but I know he loves me.

16. Spare-Ohs- Andrew Bird
This song gives me chills- ahhhh. I love the video on Youtube where he is walking through the streets of Montmartre, singing this song and strumming his guitar and whistling as beautifully and naturally as a bird. This man can serenade me so easily with his lips.

17. Comme des enfants- Coeur de Pirate
This song goes back to when I was first beginning to love the French language. I also really like her sweet, syrupy voice.

18. Re: stacks- Bon Iver
I could not go without picking out another song by Bon Iver! ... That is about the only reason though haha.

19. Dreamer- My Favorite Highway
I would have stopped at eighteen, but needed to add this song. My friend & I used to listen to this song and band a lot before we, well, stopped being friends. And the band also broke up a couple of years ago. It is still kind of a pretty fresh wound, but I do still really love this song.

I do challenge you all to either listen to these and tell me what you think, or to please make your own!

-MacKenzie

I finally had a chance to go back to the place that started it all. It was never simply an hotel. No, it was two towers with winding hallways that stretched the length of blocks and blocks. It is how I came to know the rainy city I go to school now- how I came to know where I belong, what truly matters, and why things have to change and hurt and grow in this world. I realize I am a different person than the girl that was me when I frequented the hotel every year in the old springs. Was that girl even named MacKenzie? She was sad and trying to live for herself. But the late nights, the games that went on behind and between open suite doors, and the familiar smell of the carpet (which is the same, by the way, even years later) all shaped me into the girl that writes and still stares out the window today. I am simply a happier, more grown-up version of that girl, but so much more free, I feel. The one thing I cannot decide, however, is whether keeping on to these things is holding me back from even more freedom...

I can laugh at myself

I am laughing rigorously at the moment. I found a story I had written my freshman year of high school. It is 22 whopping pages and is called "Muffin Child" (the girl's family owns a bakery). It involves a girl, her best friend, and his family going on a trip to Tennessee for two weeks with the family of her crush's best friend. I had not gotten very far (first day into the story), but WOW, was I something, and that something was sadly not a writer. It is so shallow, yet so comical and light (but there is also sarcasm), that it does not even look like my writing or even my voice.

I might publish parts of it if I can on here: I am going to enjoy it for a while, though- selfishly chuckling at my own little jokes. :)

For some reason I do not have the strength to say all the things weighing on my mind tonight. Maybe I will try tomorrow.

Sleeping Sickness- City & Colour

on my heart: wanderlust, bliss, love

I had it again. That dream where we meet up in the middle somewhere on a Tuesday or something, and together we drive until we reach the coast. It gives me goosebumps when we both run into the water, mostly because it's freezing, but also because it's a great thrill. There's warmness in the backseat of the car, and we both drift away in a peaceful sleep, onwards to our next adventure. Maybe it is on the other coast- maybe it is leagues away, or maybe it is into the future- but it is always home with you.

-M♥

collection of some younger thoughts of a younger me

August 12th, 2010
I am a turtle, still seeking shelter in my shell. I want to come out of it [oh, I wrote "come out"... dear me, how naive I was]. I am a deer, running away from danger, but I still get caught up in the lights of it all. I am a sloth, tired from the same routine. Little energy keeps me from changing it. I am an ant, marching behind everyone else. I'm going to break off, soon. I am a raccoon, my eyes encased in black. At night is when I feel alive. I am a lightning bug, glittering when I wish- my light the same as others, but sometimes we glow at different times. I am a person, with my own set of problems. Even though I am all of these things, I still try to be myself.

January 12th, 2010
The greatest tragedy a single person can have is the one that emotionally cripples them. I personally see it in one girl every single day. She has no idea how important she truly is to others, and what a great person she is. Because she doesn't know this, I still believe she hurts herself- I've seen the scratches on her wrists. I hope that someday she'll realize, and if not, I plan to tell her. I think about it more than I should- I see it, and feel horrible. I've always secretly looked up to her. I've never thought much of my own life- I don't think it's awful, or unbearable, or tragic. It's a life.

January 28th, 2010
Ohhh, that swing. I never thought a huge tree, a long rope, and a circular wooden board would could ever give one person so much fun, so many memories. I swung on it for hours, and up until I reached high above the shed we had. It was like flying, but sitting down. It occupied my dreams for a long time, where I'd be sitting down and the swing would fall [from under me], and I'd just be flying in the air, floating weightlessly for awhile.

February 1st, 2010
A lot of people write autobiographies of themselves for a living, earning millions of dollars from their words. But they aren't really selling their words- they're selling their lives, their memories, and their thoughts. So, I don't really have a life to sell, because I haven't made one for myself yet. I'm too young- I haven't had enough time, or enough experience to even start... Life for the most part [right now] is boring, and not something of mine that people would want to hear about...

February 12th, 2010
Valentine's Day, to me, is just as meaningful as Canadian Boxing Day. I've never been really given a chance to experience the shallow meaning and effect of the holiday. It's a lot deeper than roses and chocolates and cute little teddy bears that sing songs. It's all about how much you truly care about [usually] one person in your life. But why only one? Why doesn't everybody celebrate the love and caring of everyone? Why don't we all still give out little cards that make everyone feel special? I miss those days. I'm now one of those kids that might rarely have a "one special person" on Valentine's Day. I celebrate everyone, kind of like it's an anniversary of our friendships, and through it flows memories [and nostalgia]. :)

February 24th, 2010
I kind of have found out that there are certain words that sound better than others. Like nightlight. It just sounds cool- the way it rolls off of my tongue with ease. Memento. There's another great word.

February 24th, 2010 [AGAIN]
I really dislike when people say "keep your fingers crossed," mostly because I have a hard time physically doing it. It seems as though the space between my fingers is too small for them to overlap. I don't understand why I'm built this way, but it's of some symbolic point, I'm sure. Because I don't always necessarily have the power to hold a great amount of hope? Or maybe it's the fact that the hope is so strong inside of me, I can't convey it externally. :)

March 4th, 2010
My dreams are short & adventurous. Some have great settings still, but most do not. The last dream I recall is that I was staring at flesh [not a chest at all, mostly because I never dream of "inappropriate parts"- they're all just plain, like the skin of an arm], above the heart of a person. In the dream, I thought it was myself. The heart was circular, but kept beating. Then I woke up.

I came up with my own list of things I want to do this semester. They are just little things, but good. Yes- good.

1. Make a homemade pizza with friends one night. (Because Papa John's pizza is kind of flat.)
2. Go to a Louisville park. (I hear they are awesome.)
3. Plant flowers!
4. Ride the bus (I am still afraid to).
5. Take more pictures.
6. Play music out the window in the morning.
7. Throw a "I'm fabulous" party (I feel like some people I know would like this).
8. Get a boy on campus to give me a ride on his bike.
9. Submit something for the literary magazine.
10. If there is a starry night ever over campus, teach some people about star-tipping.
11. Come up with a really great idea about my future.
12. Go to Cru on Thursdays more often (or maybe not).
13. Try to buy less junk food.
14. Surprise people (even myself).
15. Cut my hair real short.
16. Make some art.
17. Draw a cross on my wrist more often.
18. Learn to open up; learn to love from the good examples I have in my life.

feedback if at all possible, please

Dear Mom and Dad (& by default, everyone who reads this),

This letter will not quite be like those little notes I always leave on the kitchen counter when I get home late at night- the ones you find in the morning long before I wake up. At GSP, my summer program almost two whole years ago, I remember sending a text saying that I wanted to grow up and change the world. I saw a while back that you had saved that text all this time.

I think you believe and would like to see all of us- me and the other two- change the world someday. I guess that is one of those weird desires parents have that their kids can feel if they truly are loved: to see their kids off and accomplishing great things. Like birds, all of us kids are finally starting to grow up and leave the nest, one at time, yet very quickly.

I have to tell you something that is very difficult, Mom. I know you and Dad have encouraged me so much about college- about getting a degree and working hard. And I truly appreciate that so much, as it has gotten me so far. I am here at a great university on a grand scholarship- I am taking college classes and making friends and attempting to grow up and be independent, one little piece at a time. But there is something else you have been pushing too- some things that I have not appreciated so much. These things include accounting, radiology (despite my disgust concerning the human body), law school (that was mostly Dad), and more.

I know you want the best for me, and I know that you just want to see me succeed, but it makes it so much more difficult to decide on a major or degree that I can truly feel passionate about when I feel like it will not gain enough- like I will not be enough with that. It is actually terrifying to think my passion as in dying trades. I cannot imagine you doing this same thing with my sister, who is so passionate about graphic design, or my brother, who although does not care as much about academics, has specific athletic and academic interests that he does pursue. I have interests too, Mom, but they sadly lie in none of those things that will earn me a lot of money.

I think you (hopefully) know some of the truths that will make us both happy. Maybe you do not always see them, but I think the thoughts are there, even if you do not want to acknowledge them. I do not believe my major limits my capabilities for my life. I do not believe that me picking two majors and having a minor or two is going to hurt me, no matter what they are in. Honestly, I think my future career is not in something that is a set in stone, major-to-degree-to-office kind of job: it is a wild and beautiful love affair that does not even come from a specific major, but lies in a combination of the things I love: music, God, French, writing, charity, traveling, eclectic things.

So, after reading these things, I hope you feel a lot more open when I say I did not enjoy accounting (even though I did try it), and that I am probably going to major in something like English or French (because I enjoy/am good at those things), and minor in Business (because I do know it is important, and I like math still, but I do not overly enjoy it). You want big things out of my life, and I certainly still want them, too. They do not, however, fit the most luxurious, easiest possibility of my future. I am just asking for your support, because I am going to change the world, Mom. Your children are world-changers: that is how you brought us up to be. With your & Dad's love, we learned to love and chase what we love, and that is all I am trying to do now.

Always your little bird,

MacKenzie

What sets you on fire? What has settled in your bones?

It feels like the only things I can find in my tiniest crevices lately are God, writing, music, and staring out the window.

-M