realization of a confession

I found it out. It all makes sense. It is a dripping understanding of your heart and its struggles and your thoughts with their gray clouds that rain on my parades quite so often.

It came down to one of those secrets that you cannot even begin to tell anyone else about- a whisper on a night you were not exactly ready for. It was one of those hidden secrets that shatter glass opinions sitting on glass tables that you once knew were stable, but now know better. Sure, everything is clearer now- now I can see why you act the way you do. But when you truly get to know someone, that is where the deepest of things crawl out of the darkness and into the warmness of the fire of your relationship, for better or for worse.

happy freedom

I cannot focus. I cannot study for my tests. My soul is on fire- a beautiful fire that feels like it is rapidly spreading outwards. It crawls under my skin, it fills me with the Sun without ever being parched.

I do not even know what is going on, but all I can do is just feel. This fire seems to die when I have to think, but when I just feel... it takes over, and I willingly let it.

small thoughts

We all make promises to our hearts, equally as we do to other people. We give ourselves a song, a person, a fleeting feeling. Hope hikes the mountains in the winter, just as we do, but also knows and lives in the cozy valleys below.

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I cannot imagine the world not being lit up. Even if there were not lights, there would be fires. And if there were somehow no fires, then there would still remain the stirring and passion that lies in peoples' hearts. Sure, not everyone has that fire in themselves, but some would light the way, and, like fire, this kind of light catches on and truly shines across the world.

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I am not sure what position my heart is in currently. I do trust God with whatever he has planned for my life. I am just not sure what it looks like here to me (and that truthfully scares me very deeply). I was convinced I was so in love with a boy, and suddenly it just does not seem to work like what it did in the last few months. We seem to be going in different directions. But I have also let people poison my heart and mind lately.

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I have found another boy like the boy that reminded me of autumn from many years ago. Something about him also makes him blue, though, like the gentle waves of the ocean hitting the thin sand. My best friend is summer (for obvious reasons), but I still love him the same. And my best friend from back home is spring, and it so refreshing to be with her. My boyfriend... I do not know what he is. Lately, he has been winter, and that scares me to no end also.

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All my thoughts have been melting with anxiety once the week starts up, and then these thoughts die throughout days. It is a vicious cycle. But I like where and when I end up at the top, so all seems okay for now.

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Until next time,
Mack

ups and downs

I love when you find something beautiful, or even broken, in another individual. They feel the light of God, they are not happy, they write poetry that could send the most intellectual people into awe, they have been scared by struggles they have kept to themselves. We hide some of our rawest (most human) qualities deep within, waiting for the day when someone else stumbles upon them. And on those days of discovery, we as a people can come together, and finally we can be free.

Here is a little list I wrote of things that make me different (and happy). I wrote these things firstly in a dark time during my first semester, but I feel so good now that that time is over. These things ring fairly true though for me.

*I give people (nice) nicknames in my phone as middle names. Sweet, Cool, Super, Lovely, Beautiful, Best Friend, & some more light up my little screen quite often.

*On days I feel sad, I dress up more than usual. Why not wear a dress and act super confident in your physical appearance, even if you don't feel that way in your head?

*My favorite pet name is Button. :3

*Sometimes I like to get up and listen to "Footloose" & dance around in my dorm room all by myself. I am a hideaway, happy weirdo. :)

*I am a sucker for watching old kid TV shows when I am sick (or even occasionally when I'm not). Lately I have been watching Disney movies.

*When I hiccup, I sound like a baby bird.

*I am very much attracted to facial hair. I would love having a conversation about/over some beautiful beardage.


*Anytime I sing Christian music, I can't help but smile. Sing about someone you love, and you really can't help but smile.

*BUT I do not really sing in front of people. That is one of those weird childhood-rooted fears that I have not yet totally recovered from. I do love singing, just mostly by myself.

*If I could be anywhere right now, it would be at home with my dog. Or in Québec, for the Winter Carnaval up there. I went like three years ago, and it is still my favorite traveling experience. Or maybe in Tennessee, for a Rend Collective Experiment concert coming up.

*I pull "Jim faces" from The Office quite often. I love that show, and miss Michael Scott.

That surely paints a pretty nice picture of me. God, people, and just life in general have made my life worth more than it should be lately.

It always snows for the girl no one knows.
She sits in the trees while the wind starts to blow.
She loves the reaping but hates to sow.
This is the girl that I have come to know.