a truth

Sometimes we are forced to face our demons. Sometimes our hearts are stuck in swirling eddies of hate and despair and darkness. And sometimes we feel vengeful, striking out against those things and persons which give us pain.

I came home, in an already worn state, to reminders of the broken fragments of good relationships I once held with people. Guilt and agony wracked my thoughts at the painful words of people I once did and honestly still do care deeply about.

I am so sorry that I hurt people trying to get what I thought was the right thing for everyone. I am most sorry because even when I did care before, it was at an immature and unjust level that I can only understand now with some wisdom and growth in my faith and capacity for love. I was so selfish, and am still so selfish, and I am very saddened by that. But God has a purpose for this. I have grown a lot, I am just at this juncture very unsure of what to do with the some wisdom I have gained. My heart is in darkness, and all I want is light.

love where love is deserved

Hello everyone. It is Finals Week here, and I am enjoying myself a nice Reading Day before my three finals this week. I just wanted to take this time to love on a few special people in my life who really deserve it and have been loving on me so graciously lately.

On Thursday or so I came down with a severe virus that honestly could have crushed me if it wanted to. On Friday I was kind of sick, on Saturday I broke down, and on Sunday I spent honestly and earnestly praying to God that He would take my pain, just crying. I was a miserable shell of myself, and I should not have been, but the way I could neither breathe nor swallow nor eat but still vomit was horrific, and I do not wish it on anyone else, thus I quarantined myself off pretty well into tomorrow so that no one I love gets it.

In this horrid last few days, a few people have spent their time really loving on me. First up to the plate was my boyfriend Travis, who did actually not see me at my total worst but I was sick and he still said he loved me, so I have that going for me. He also brought me pudding and helped me type a French essay. Sometimes the ways he does things are a little bit chaotic to me, but I like him and it makes things exciting. He is so sweet.

Next up was my best friend Dirk, who although did not see me too much he still brought me a thermometer. It is funny, because last year I was there when he vomited during the Final Four matches, and this year he was there for me when I vomited, just by chance.

On third is my Mom, who is like the greatest superhero of my life. I was really upset at first by her distance that she had because she could not come and see me because I am at school and the weather was bad. I was so frustrated with my helplessness towards going to the doctor and getting medicine and food and even not having my blanket. On Monday, the day after the worst day, she drove here and brought me to the doctor and also brought me homemade food and soup, sweet tea, my blanket, and some other goodies that honestly brought joyful tears to my eyes. I missed my Mom so much during those last few days, and I was just so grateful for her to come because I think she very much contributed to the reason I can walk and talk today.

Finally, on home plate, is God. You have to understand that on Sunday I was petrified by my condition. After I had vomited on Sunday that meant that I had not eaten in two almost three days, I was feel dehydrated, I could barely swallow, and I was afraid that if I fell asleep on my face I could suffocate and die. Mostly I was petrified because every day it had gotten worse, and if there was a worse day than Sunday I did not think I had the strength to handle it. But alas, this was a virus- God made my body already able to fight this disease off without antibiotics (but I was not strong enough to go without Tylenol because I am a wimp, haha), and I can walk around and boast (tomorrow- I am still considered possibly contagious today haha) God's glory with so much renewed hope and enthusiasm. I am actually enthusiastic about doing these exams. I am enthusiastic about having a good weekend afterwards with my friends, then going home and enjoying the holidays with my family. God healed me  and even now He continues to heal my heart of what I ultimately wish to be healed of.

Those are my thanksgivings for you, I love you all, goodnight and good luck on your finals.

love, searching

a cord of three,

that is we.

let me weave of this a tale for you-

it may last as long as two lifetimes.

but much like an episode,

a boy and girl crossed paths

crossed stars,

crossed borders and dreams,

and met at a station under the cross 

but still, searching.

the boy, with features so striking,

thought they were his beautiful faults.

oh, but the girl:

she saw no features of herself,

only a humility that came from shame.

they wore their issues on their arms,

their hearts scarred

but still, searching.

the boy saw her first,

but the girl was looking too

(in her heart).

they kissed under a bow-

a gift of God, love truly is.

they played the parts of

Adam and Eve, today,

stumbling slowly

but still, searching.

the girl caught on quick:

this was the only love story she wanted,

wearing a big heart and long embrace.

as long as they loved,

they would be a butterfly circus 

of glory, amazing grace-

but still, searching.

a cord of three,

that is we.

*Sorry you guys, just playing around with poetry again.

I was waiting on the mail, but it never came.


I am so sorry dear, but it never came.

a grand introduction

I have so many things to write. Some amazing unexplainable things have been happening in my life and happening so fast, but I am going to try to explain them without a doubt.

I am not still with that boyfriend I had through a large chunk of this blog's lifespan, but I am choosing not to feel guilt or remorse for any longer. I am content with my decision because I know that it is what God wanted for me and for my life and for that boy's life also, even if it does feel broken and sad and hollow when thought about for too long. We had a beautiful relationship and friendship, but it was unhealthy in a way I did not know how to fix, and I do not think it was meant to be fixed then, or possibly ever, that we would have to be reborn and fixed independently of one another with Christ first.

That being said, I feel like my falling apart and breaking of several ties brought me closer to God and finally to the right kind of love that for a long time I didn't feel as though I deserved, as though I could obtain, and as though I would ever have. It helped me understand the truth, and it helped enlighten me and move towards who I am and what I want to become in Christ. It excites me, really, thinking of my potential and seeing it lived out in some few but shining people in my life.

Anyways, also, in this short but amazing period of time, another guy has become pretty significant to my life (behind Jesus, of course). His name is Travis, and from what I understand God's been shoving us towards each other for a long time now. He honestly painted this masterpiece of a story of how he had fancied me for a long time and it was just recently in these past few weeks that he had gotten the courage and felt God's strength work in his heart to begin this friendship first, but now it is this beautiful relationship that feels good and pure and just like everything I had hoped a relationship would be (not without faults, but with an undeniable enthusiasm and base in Christ). I am so thankful to God for this journey so amazing in retrospect and so miraculous to have been nearly impossible at all other times but now. I will most likely write in some detail about this new love story and my even greater overarching love story, but these things will come in good time. Until then, I have many presentations and papers and tests that are to be done, but I shall be around here and there.

P.S. I cut my hair short again and have (accidentally) lost a few pounds. Things are definitely always, always looking up.

[MacKenzie]

when it rains, it pours

I have a very peculiar way of coping with things. See, today I am fasting and walking around campus, finding some small strange comfort in the few amount of people walking around too on a Saturday afternoon. I did something excruciating today- I ripped out some beautiful and ugly parts that were mangled in my heart (yet they still sit on my thoughts like birds on a wire, waiting, watching)- and I am untangling them on my own (or just with God). It's something I have not been in a really long time- on my own- but it is exactly what I need, I guess, I hope.

I may write more this week, I may not write at all. Currently I just feel a numbness that if I think about it too much at all it becomes painful and aching. I feel impulsive which scares me a lot, because if I know anything of my nature my impulses are nothing to trust. But I am thinking of cutting my hair. And 

I hope it rains this week. I hope it's cold, but not cold enough to dismay me from walking around campus, trying to see something in someone else that feels the same or knows. I hope I can find some peace and maybe even happiness in my friends, in sitting on that bench, in my taffy, and in the small amounts of smiles I find myself cracking, even today, on a particularly dark day.

love,

m

this dream..

I had a poetic, beautiful kind of dream last night. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I need to write it down because the images have been creeping into my head all day.

There was kind of a flashback to my Fall Retreat, but several things were different. My parents and for some reason a former teacher of mine were there for a minute of my time. The cost of this retreat was $5000, and I felt so distressed knowing that I could not pay it, but my parents said that they would pay the price for me. A group of my friends from Cru were all going into a church to worship. I went in another door though- I could see once I got in that everyone was on the other side of the church, so I went down a slide from the ceiling to get to the other side. I felt like I broke some kind of rule going down that slide, like the people running the church would not want people sliding and rappelling from the ceiling, but I was happy to be with my friends and I did not care.

I do not remember actually worshipping, but suddenly I was in the cabin and it was just as gross and bug-filled as the one at Fall Retreat. I walked out of the building and toured around and saw a bright, glowing light coming from around the corner. I peered in at the source from outside into a lounge full with people- my roommate, one of my friends, several other familiar faces- and they were simply lounging under this beautiful and giant chandelier shaped like the sun. I did not want to enter the room though- I just wished to gaze at the brightness of the chandelier. I gathered that they were bored.

I walked a little more and found myself a bench much like the one I actually sat on two days ago. I was sitting there with a boy petting a dog who was orange-red colored. Our hands touched and it was the most magical moment I have experienced because it truly did feel as though it was real. Of course someone sat in between us following that, but it was still a touching little moment that I cannot stop thinking about.