Missed Me?

I'm terribly sorry for not updating in, what, forever, and not being a good reader for a bit longer than that, but I've been working really hard on my schoolwork so I can not feel like a failure all the time. My life has been revolving as of late around academic team (Regionals are this upcoming Saturday), the ACT (which I already have a really good score on but my parents want higher so I can get competitive scholarships and sh*t like that), AP (college-level) English & American History (which I have piles of homework for every week), and trying to fit sleep and happiness and being healthy in there somewhere, although they have all been suffering for maybe three weeks now.

I'm going to be (hopefully) making my Valentines tomorrow, but I have to create 12, and I'm a perfectionist but not an artist, so that will be quite a long process. I might take the "lazy" way out (and make some of them the same), but only because I have to finish them all by tomorrow. :/ I only want to take so long because I don't think these people realize what they mean to me, because I'm really bad with expressing to people how I feel (as I've noticed today, like how I'm not my best friend's "best friend"- it sucks, believe me). But I am really truly going to try and not mess these friendships up, as one already feels lost.

I will try to update every once in awhile, and kind of keep up with the blogs under my radar, but blogging is a form of procrastination, my Mom says, and I don't have enough time to even procrastinate any longer. February is always the busiest ugliest cruellest month for me, but I'll just keep my head up, and you too, and it'll all be fine.

I hope you all aren't feeling buried this February,
Kenzie.

I Don't Mean to Go All 'Thoreau and Emerson' on You, But...

Sorry I haven't been posting/reading/anything on here- doing piles of school stuff. Every day, for about weeks. PILES. Anyways, here's what I've been working on [personal essay for English class- can you tell I've been reading tons of Thoreau?]. I'm too tired to edit it, so whatever seems messed up, it's like that on purpose. :P

Have you ever been in the middle of nowhere- as in no people, and no sidewalks, and no pollution- not fenced in in some way? Me neither. As people in the twenty-first century, we wake up fully immersed in technology and its man-made siblings. Walking is an activity people did when they didn't have automobiles; cell phones and computers long ago overthrew the patient kingdom of mail; and the only places we can really experience nature and its beauty are fenced-in parks and lands possessed by the Earth but "owned" by the deed-holder.

People scarcely ponder their existences as being entirely imitative of nature, but it's true. This idea is all somewhat already implanted into the majority of peoples' minds- at some point or another, we've all probably heard the cliche sayings like "there are other fish in the sea" and "every cloud has a silver lining", or even "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place." Nay, this idea didn't appear from the lyrics of my favorite music video or anything of the like- I acknowledged this philosophy the only way anyone can expose facts about life- by listening for what life wanted to show them.

One natural thing life imitates is a plant. Once upon a time, I was a fearless and adventurous elementary-schooler who would venture to the end of my imagination and back just in time for dinner. The outdoors were my home, the trees were my shelter from the rain, my naked feet danced over the grass. I spent every day in the summers of my youth exploring outside, or jumping on my trampoline. I was especially fond of going in the woods that surrounded patches of land, untouched by the houses and the roads of my curvy subdivision. But this place soon withered, as my prime discovery came to be. My best friend, Dirk, and I would always walk the streets of our subdivision, and one day noticed that there was more beyond the "No Trespassing" sign. We didn't go because we felt the felt the desire to rebel- we went because there was something beyond that sign that we hadn't seen before, and my soul was screaming for me to go and see just what that thing was. We walked past where the sidewalk ended, and up a hill closer to heaven than I'd ever been. Rocks were moved and dirt was excavated into mounds, and there were discarded items (a busted mattress, a broken vaccuum), but besides that there was no evidence of people being there.

Dirk and I went up there many of times in the summers of the past, and it's a strong memory that still lingers in the back of my mind. I haven't been up there in years because Dirk and I both have been separated somewhat through the past several summers, and since the last time I have been, I've changed entirely. Although that was my first real experience with nature, now that I stopped going, I now wear shoes always outside, my imagination is compacted into next to nothing, and my spirit has withered into a cold unbrave thing that is only artificially connected to even these words as I type them. I grew up surrounded by this technology, and the roots under my feet that once connected me to the ground withered without the nurturing of being connected to each other, like a plant faced with the cold harshness of winter, or the painful heat of drought. We all must continue to nurture life (or, in my case, a way of life) in order for it to grow and continue.


Another beautiful natural entity that life imitates is the sea. I noticed these similarities was at a Christmas party I attended my junior of high school. It was hosted by my coach, who had been the coach since before I was born. The teenagers went downstairs, diverting their attention to the ping-pong table. After some time had passed, the carnivorous teenagers began going upstairs in pursuit of food. I silently followed, hungry myself. I found myself in a sea of people, most of which I had never seen before in my life. My curiousity spiked when I saw all the older people not of my time crowded in the large rooms. As I navigated through the crowds, I felt sad, because our existences mean next to nothing to each other. I felt as though I missed out on an individual's total life, and could only comply with in and see those people and not even remember at the next party those glimpses of their life I did witness.

It was only afterwards that I took the time to really consider how that total five minutes really reflected life. Like the sea, in life, people all are in different currents, swimming in circles that may cross or may not. We can "go with the flow" of people, but still being in the sea is full of struggles for survival, for a sight above water, for a breath of air- like fighting with life gives us the reward of success. And, after all, we all end up "swimming with the fishes."

Another entity life imitates is a rock, especially in the term of not moving. My high school career up to junior year had been very smooth, but with the addition of college classes and volunteer hours and ACT scores and all of the stress and extracirriculars from the year before, this year has been rocky from the beginning. But I don't fret if something comes up and it all seems too much- even though we hear it in science class, inertia exists concerning life, too. It doesn't feel natural for people to go from calm to busy instantaneously. As we face problems or change, all we wish to do is run away from them- run to the only place, idea, or arms- that will shield us from having to deal with it all. But if we can last through the hard times, like a rock facing erosion, we reach a whole other point in our life that will be better, which to me will be senior year, or if that isn't better, the next year, or the year after that.

If you take one thing from this essay, please take it that to lay your life in front of you and analyze it. Are you feeling stressed, or are you strong, like a rock? Are you going with the flow, or are you fighting to be individual, like a current in the sea? And, most importantly, are you neglecting your life, or are you nurturing it, like a plant? Text your friend "Lol" about that.

*brain implodes.*

a collection of failed attempts

I never do picture posts, so here's one. Don't laugh- I don't have a fancy camera or know how to edit or anything of the sort. Ever picture has a story, though. :)

I'm never taking that aluminum Christmas tree down. Ever. It was my grammy's, until she gave it to my family- the box says it was made in 1969 or something. But this has been my view for the last couple of weeks, due to snow days.



The view from the window on the back of the house. I'm pretty sure I've only seen the grass for a total of a week since Thanksgiving.



Also my grammy's camera (now mine), from an unknown year long ago. She said my grandpa got it in Chicago and bought it off of a Mafia member. It's kind of busted (as in I'm pretty sure I can't get it repaired), but you can still see stuff through it. My grammy's really cool, though, because although she can't afford a ton, she still has her cool stories and her heirlooms.



My less-than-succeeding attempt at making a heart with the mirror. I love doing that sign, though. Spread the love. :)



Haha- I tried to do a trendy picture of my closet, but instead you just get a picture of some of my clothes. :P



Hey look- that's half of me! I really like this picture though- most of my pictures involve this camera nowadays, just because I think it's so cool.

To make this post something more than photos, here's five secrets about me/thoughts I've been pondering on.

1. When I was a kid, I lived in a little culd-de-sac, and across the street there lived an old couple. Their house was small, and it had natural hues of forest green and wood. Sometimes, on summer nights, my parents and I would walk over to their house. Our parents would talk, but I always came over to look at the flowers. They had a type of flowers (lilies, maybe?) that would glow in the dark. I dearly really want those glow-in-the-dark flowers, when I'm older and have my own house.
2. I love playing music and dancing while putting up the clean dishes. Those activities go hand-in-hand, really.
3. I've only been online on Facebook maybe three times since the summertime. I dunno- Facebook has become less entertaining for me, and more stressing fake social interaction.
4. My Valentine's Day will probably be spent alone, but that's how it works sometimes. I'm sixteen- I shouldn't really be worrying about things like that. I have other things to worry about besides boys- like my schoolwork (hahaIMMAGEEK) and my happiness.
5. I just got like two inches of my hair cut off. It looks fantastic... for now. I'm really excited for it- except I'm kind of scurred of whether or not I'm going to be able to get it looking back like this on Monday (but at the same time I don't want to bore you with yet another picture of my haircut on this post haha).

With liberty and justice for all- wait...
Mack. :)

The Hairdresser, In the Salon, With the Pair of Scissors

 

It's really quite funny, how much I value my hair. Kids these dayz make hair such a huge part of beauty, but it's all dead skin. Nevertheless, I've fallen into this trend also. I have a snow day night tonight, so I wrote a poem about my insecurities [exaggerated, of course]. I call it "A Sucky Poem on Why I Don't Have a Boyfriend."

I used to like my eyes,
'Til they started looking cross-ed
And no one liked my pictures
On my five social network sites.
I used to like my shortness,
'Til I couldn't reach the candy cabinet
And my parents stared
while I climbed the counters
At age 15.
I used to like my thin-ness,
but then I stopped exercising
And started stuffing my face with trash
Including ice cream
because I spent my fridays
On the computer
Lying next to my fat dog.
I used to think my face was cute,
'Til I figured my face is all assymetrical
Or it just wasn't glued
 on the pretty girls' heads.
I have always hated my eyebrows
and that's that.
I used to like this cute little freckle on my cheek,
Wait,
I still like that freckle.
It's super adorkable.
But that's about it.
Seen in the crowds
All unattractive to view
Well besides my soul
But no teenage boy
Sees or desires that...

It was almost funny to write that, just because I really don't feel like that [well, most of that]. It's really sad, how it seems like half of the girls evaluate their looks like that. But, honey, it doesn't matter if the beautiful mask you're wearing is hiding your monstrous ogre of a soul. Eventually, the tables will turn. People will see with their hearts and not with their eyes- it takes a kind of maturity people don't usually get 'til they're older. But the one physical thing I will always, ALWAYS, have pride in is my hair [and that adorable freckle], and the one overall thing I will always have pride in is my soul [as you should also], as much as I hold it in from people sometimes.
 
I can't decide, though. :/
 
Smilehappylooksgoodonyou!
 
A little dose of sunshine on a cloud day here,
Mack. :D

Things are currently bordering on being completely ludicrous. Half of everyone is tense, and bitter; the others are acting like the invincible people that they are not.

I hope you all had a good Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It truly is my favorite holiday that isn't related to a holiday, or a catastrophic event. He is one of those individuals who truly deserves to be celebrated. I also write this because he is one of my favorite writers. I think people who find his pieces "boring" are ignorant on a level that I cannot tolerate, and I find that sad. They are long writings usually, but I guess it takes a type of person to really absorb and digest those words and metaphors and loaded words for what they really are. How much he packs into those words- "as many as there are"- always blows my mind. I could sit here and quote him for hours, but I'm still a bit steamed at almost my entire AP English class for lacking an appreciation for him- just don't get me started on it. Hmph.

I also just started reading The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury (hinthintreadit), an anthology of science-fiction short stories. I usually detest sci-fi, but somehow Bradbury blends it to a tasteful level that is actually really enjoyable (or maybe it's that they are short stories). My favorite one so far is called Kaleidoscope (the second story). It's about a rocket exploding, and the crew is shooting apart from each other at hundreds of miles per hour, and all they can do is wait to die. It brings up several interesting philosophies and ways of living life. Then again, I also read it at eleven pm last night, and everything seems more amazing and interesting in the late hours of the night.

"There were differences between memories and dreams. He had only dreams of things he had wanted to do, while Lespere had memories of things done and accomplished. And this knowledge began to pull Hollis apart, with a slow, quivering precision."

As an update to my last post, I can't go through with my decision- I can't be happy and still get what I want out of school (which are the expectations set upon me by my loving parents). So, even though there will be a small portion of my heart heavy and saddened, it is better in comparison to the whole miserable heart I would have if I tried to do it all. I am not perfect- far from it.

One thing I'd like to pose a thought about, though, is why boys are so darn attractive through their vulnerability compassion caring. It went like this: I saw a boy help out a girl who really needed help, and suddenly he is the most attractive human being on the planet. Even though I didn't really have an attraction to him before, it's suddenly like whoa. The boy who helped out the old man, whoa (but not really anymore because we're just good friends haha). Like what KAY said what feels like eons ago, "It's madness, I tell you."

Mack.

I Make Decisions Like McClellan.

Man, that was such a cheesy reference, but quite a good comparison all the same. Those titles are the kinds of thing you get after spending two hours reading your history book, and after having an academic team competition the day before, which, by the way, I personally rocked at. :D

I've tried to make my thoughts wander away from the big decision on my plate, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm stuck in a decision I have no idea how to make, mostly because the communication between me and my heart is like BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

*sigh.* I guess what I'm really trying to figure out is whether I care what they think of me, OR, if I can't stop caring, can I last until the end of the school year without driving myself insane.

I wrote that earlier, and I decided I'm going to go through with it, I think. In the beginning, all I could focus on were the negatives, but after thinking about it a long time [too late to be on time- it's already started actually haha], I started really considering the positives and the circumstances that surrounded those negatives of the past, and I think under different circumstances things would have been better, and will be better this time around. My stubborn unrealistic hope has also taken its toll on my decision- stupid ignorant thing...

On another note, I did some new things today. Like wearing eyeliner. And attempting to halfway flirt with a guy [even though I'm pretty sure that didn't work out].

I also noticed some new things. After analyzing my entire high school life to make that decision, I've finally seen why I don't receive that much love- I don't show love enough. It's not that I don't like people; it just that I hold a lot of things in, and I guess my adoration of people is one of those things that I bottle up. I'm shy- sometimes it protects me from things, but sometimes it's my weakness. I also need to be more assertive, yet that comes along with showing love more.

A confession: I secretly have a little crush on everyone I come into contact with, at one point or another.

So, it's safe to say I'll be making some changes to my life- just to make myself happier in life. It's a metamorphosis that's for the better.

I think 'll leave you with THIS SONG.
Something about acoustic versions of songs- I can't not love them. Impossible- tomfoolery- shenanigans.

Sleeptight[andmakefunnyfaceseveryonceinawhile],
Mack. :)