Smile, happy looks good on you. (:

There's nothing I miss more than walking in the park with my best friend, as the leaves fell out of the tall oak trees onto the broken rubble path. It would be early in the evening, as the sun was still in place along the horizon, but made the leaves even more golden than they seemed before. What we talked about means so little now [although I'm pretty sure it was anything & everything], yet the experience was our connection. And our connection was the purest that had ever existed [at least to me].

Sorry, I am in a lazy, reminiscing mood.

A beautiful day, a beautiful new shade of perspective. I felt, well, like a real person today. Happy with my achievements [in the fact that I ROCKED at academic team. I know- how cool am I?]. Happy in my place. Overall, just happy.

I have some new theories on the 'beauty' of beauty and 2012. It's severely complicated, so hopefully I'll get my ideas all sorted out [I'm a semi-organizational person with my thoughts in my head, so I must get a better feel of these ideas [or at least another blog post] until I implement it here]. I really want to share it, but sadly I won't be finding time for a little while [with my studying for SEVERAL things, and my competition this weekend in Tennessee].

In this 'new' way of beauty, though, you definitely are a beautiful human being. Please remember that.

Justthoughtyouwouldliketoknow,
Macky :]

PS.

Naive

Bwhahaha! He looks FOR REAL like him.

Can I admit something to you all, even if you may not find yourself in 'admiration' of me, at all? I actually have no clue where I was or what I was doing on the eleventh of September that fateful year, when I heard news of the plane crash. In fact, everytime I hear that question, I make up a lie, and say I do, just because people make such a big deal of it.

I lived in Illinois at the time, in a small rural town with maybe one thousand inhabitants [or less]. I was in second grade at that time, & was not afraid of anything. Not even the bullies that teased me scared me. I never wept [except the one time I thought I'd been hit in the nose, and had an orange nosebleed], and nothing was impossible for me. I was naive- everything revolved around me and my life, and nothing else.

So, it's [not actually] safe to say that I cannot recall it. At all. Yet, as I've grown older [and become oh-so-less fragile and naive], I've grown to realize the importance of today. We take this day to reflect, remember, and realize the lives that were lost and affected by that tragic day. To say the least, even though I can't remember the day, I still take the time to reflect on it all. Please, even if you are Chinese, English, Irish, Dutch, Turkish, ANYTHING- take today to remember the lives that were lost in a disaster of your country today.

In happier news, I washed a clown's car today. It was a MiniCooper. I expected four to pop out, but instead two appeared. Irony? I think so.

I also found out that another girl picked out the same dress as me for homecoming. :[ When I first saw, all I could think of was NONONONONONOO!! Yes, I'm an overreactive teenager. No, I don't have a date, so really whether I go or not doesn't matter. I'm not sure if I can even go or not, having a competition two-point-five hours away that same day. But still, a [wallflower] girl can dream. :] So, along with normal comments, do you think that the other girl would be mad if I wore the same dress as her [even though she "announced" she was getting it first, but I'd already decided I wanted that one before that]?

Oh, and listen to this song: 32 Ways to Make You Smile by A Backseat Goodbye. It makes me want to dance with a guy like we were an old couple, relishing in the love-enriched moment.

Lotsoflove,
Macky :]

One Step Further

This has very little relation to the post, I just thought it was adorkable.

" 'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you- all I know is that I should..."

Secret #2230534: Truthfully, I've never missed anyone, in the history of my entire life, more than I miss you.

Okay, so my week has been just plain-old down-in-the-dumps. I apologize for not owing up to my normal  blogging consistency. Today has been the one day that was a diamond in the rough, so to speak, though. :]

The 'potential wallflower' I discussed earlier on was not, in fact, a wallflower. Or maybe he is, just not one just like myself. It's alright- it's just fine. There are six billion people out there- I'm sure to find one somewhere, someday in my [hopefully-long] life.

It's odd, how perspectives change as we all step into the different parts of life. Like how you can see someone seem to grow and change from the past, into a new them. It kind of just hits you, how much things have changed. I got hit with it all yesterday, looking straight into faces. Not eyes, but faces. You can see so much, just from looking someone straight in the face [maybe that's why I always hide mine?].

I look back, and am just shocked out how much I've grown in just two years- heck, this summer. Look where I've gotten in life- maybe not that far, in other peoples' opinions, but I'm more me than I've ever been. I keep trying to be more happy with who I am, also, but lately with my "depression" [or maybe it's just my PMS coming on haha :P], it's not been going so well.

I'm really tired of people taking me for things I'm not, when really they don't know who I am at all. Few people do truly know me, but I'm honestly okay with that. I like taking pride in the fact that the people who really care about me know [even though some of the people I care about don't really know me, at all]. Take a walk in my shoes for a day, and maybe you will understand.

I have something really important to say: I saw two people walking down the hall after school today, hand in hand. I looked away, but not for the reasons you thought. If you two ever see this, please know I didn't look away because I felt 'awkward,' or anything of the sort. I thought you two were beautiful together; Your love and commitment- even against the sometimes-harsh world- was just too strong for me to handle right now, with me facing my own battles of "love" of sorts. The same as when the main talk in one of my classes was a crush [which I didn't chance to hear anything much about at all], and I just wanted to leave that class and all the people in it as soon as the bell rang. I just couldn't take your courage to reveal your emotions, when in reality that's my biggest weakness.

So, because of this, I posted this blog on my Facebook profile. I know, this is lame to say, but that's kind of a step for me, I guess [?]. It's a step towards self-appreciation.. love.. et cetera. :]

I've also grown greedy lately, yet it feels like I NEED everything. I dislike being the whiny teenager sometimes, but sometimes our lives call for it, I guess.

^Myfuturebag[hopefully].^

^This is subject to change, and I'm not even sure if I can go to Homecoming, but I REALLY want to wear this.♥^

Add new [warm] clothes [because our high school is as cold and unwelcoming as a Renaissance-age dungeon], a camera [even though I can't possibly afford an awesome one with my financial debt for FRANCE! :D], iTunes [because my body is currently music-deficient and dying from it], cookies [because who DOESN'T love cookies?], and other random things I want, and that's the objects of my greed.

Yet one thing I'm not greedy about is this blog. 22 followers! :D Shout out to all of y'all- you rock. I'm very thankful for all of you.

Ihavelistenedtothissongtwentytimessincewritingthis,
Macky :]

Wallfloweronthecornerofthestreet[+Buttouch]

Sorry for the 'post spam' these last couple of days, but I'm playing a bit of catch-up with my posts.

Yesterday was a funny day, to say the least. You probably have seen those people that are out on the corners of the street, right? No, not prostitutes. I'm talking about the people with the signs, that wave them around maniacally, usually advertising something. They dance and jump and scream, trying to get people to go somewhere, or do something.

Yes. I was one of those people. Twice.

It's an odd job for a lone person. See, we are all doing car washes to save money up for FRANCE 20-11. :D There were about twenty kids there, so we all took turns between holding the signs and washing the cars. I went down with another girl, who is much more outgoing than I. She was jumping and dancing around, screaming "CAR WASH!" like a person would scream "I love you." Me: just standing there with a sign.

Yesterday was a different story. Onl four kids going on the trip bothered to show up, and they split us in two and two. I was picked to be a "sign-holder" with one other person, and they had us stand on the two opposite sides. I was alone. With a sign. On the edge of a busy intersection. For three hours. Facing the world alone with a sole request.

It was boring interesting inspiring depressing unique. For one thing, when you sit there asking for one thing and being denied everything for three hours, its a downright depressing time.

Secondly, it's hilarious. The best part of my day was when I got passed up by a nun. Like a full-on nun, with the hat and everything. She smiled, at least. I love nuns. :]

Thirdly, it's, um, embarrassing. Awkward. Out-of-place. People stare, honk, look away, smile, wave, everything. Me, being the shy little kid I am, could not handle being looked at from hundreds of people that day, with my shorts on, and it being freezing. That's what cheap imitation Ray-Bans are for- for hiding behind. :] That, and I saw HIM [the now-creepy one]. So, to say the least, I feel different because of it [philosophically, of course], but I wouldn't have chosen it for myself.

Oh, and today, I got bit up the butt by my dog. Pretty sure I can't have children.

Noquestionsplease,
Macky :]

Feeling Small [A Morning Post]

  

In the face of the universe, you are small. The open vastness of endless space is hard to picture, in comparison to my five feet, one-point-five inches height.

Don't estrange it: embrace it.

You are only as small as you make yourself to be.

You are only as small as the world will make you seem.

 I have a slight, tired smile that's trying to expand across my face, but there's no room or energy to force it in these early hours of the day.  A plaid top + boxer shorts [with penguins on them] + striped kneehigh socks= my typical morning outfit. Think of it what you will, it's comfortable.

I'm not usually a morning person, but anytime around 9.. 10.. 11.. o'clock my brain turns on, and I feel awesome. I used to consider myself a night person, but with need for more sleep, and being nocturnal not being an option, I'm beginning to love the sunrise/mid-morning hours the most.

I'm currently procrastinating on my PILES of homework, and looking up a new hair style. I miss my medium-ish hair. So many things to do, so little time.

This post has seriously taken me three days and, of today- three hours, to post. How, I'm not sure. But it has.

ILoveYourExistence,

Macky:]

I seriously can not stop giggling at this, so I felt like sharing it with you.

Love,

Macky :]

*I WROTE THIS YESTERDAY, SO OBVIOUSLY IT'S A BIT "OUTDATED" IN TERMS OF SEVERAL THINGS, BUT MY EMOTIONS OVERALL ARE THE SAME.

Today reminds me of those summer nights we all miss so much right now [well, the ones who have to go to bed early for school, at least]. The wind is blowing a bit, the sun is shining bright, and soon it will be crashing to the Earth, as it spews out rays of brilliant colors across the sky.

We [me and a specific 'you'] used to spend these nights sitting under the canopy, you lying on the couch and me lounging in the chair. Or out on one of our driveways, laying and looking up at the stars. We'd talk about anything and everything- the universe seemed an open book, at peace. Those were the truly the days.

I'm in one of those moods where I really wish I could snap to songs, but, sadly, I don't know how to snap. :P

It's like this: I really wanna talk to [another, different, specific] you, but my shyness is just as stifling as yours. That's sadly how it always goes for me, but it's a part of my life that I just can't change just yet. It's ironic, how similar we are, yet our similarities makes us separate.

I've been feeling specifically lonely [why do lonely and lovely look alike?] this week. With my plethera of homework and PSAT practice-testing, I haven't been updating [or reading (or commenting)] as much lately. Erg. I apologize, I guess.
That, and my morning routine is a lonely path. When I walk alone through the halls, everyone stares at me like I don't belong. The truth is, I honestly do belong- I just can't push myself into the crowd and become one with the groups of people. The part of me that belonged in this school is a thing of the past, and I miss it so. My silent loneliness bears the memory so well, yet I feel stronger, because I still continue to exist, even if invisible, after the greatest times.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Off-topic remark: My backpack is killing me. Seriously. I need to work out the twigs I call arms, because they seriously hurt from carrying so much. So much that my friends make fun of me by saying different things about it. Oh, you could carry a dead body in there. That weighs as much as you do! AND SO ON.

Dirk ['my best fran'] comes back tonight. Not that I'll see him tonight, because we're both tired as those cute little animals sleeping in those pictures, but still: he's bah-ack. :]

*To tell you the truth, I did see him. That's why this wasn't published yesterday, because I was outside 'til early in the morning. We sat under our canopy and talked about our lives, just like the old days.

Imissedhimsomuch,
Macky :]

P.S. Listen to THIS. This awesome blogger who goes by Kay [personally one of my favorite top-notch awesome bloggers on here] picked it out for me, and it's an absolutely fantastic song. :]